Uncle Drago's agony column

[Cuchilo]

Dear Unkie Drago
During the lock down i was told to spend my dole money on skunks like everyone else does . Now i am back to work i dont have time to look after the skunks and they are starting to make the place smell . I offered the skunks to the job centre thinking they could hand them out to the unemployed as they love skunks but they didnt want them .
I'm thinking maybe i should stop working to look after the skunks and go back on the dole .
what do you thinks ?

 

[raleighnut]

Dear Uncle Drago

Sorry to trouble you again, but I was wondering if you have any aubergines, I just can't seem to get hold of any, and I find the reassurance they give on my rounds, especially when I have to visit that strange fella up the back entry, bring me enormous relief.

Ginger Gimp Guy, HM Royal Mail

Don't worry too much, it'll be Pumpkin season soon.

 

[Toshiba Boy]

Don't worry too much, it'll be Pumpkin season soon.

Thank you Auntie Raleighnut

I can relax now, well, I presume I'll certainly have to

Relieved of Royal Mail

 

[Yellow Fang]

Dear Uncle Drago,

I am having trouble getting a good night’s sleep. I have been taking sleeping pills, but they only knock me out, leaving me feeling unrefreshed in the morning. I am kept awake by strange noises and feelings of dread. People tell me it’s my wife haunting me, but I tell them 1) There is no evidence she’s dead; she might just have absconded. 2) Why would she haunt me here? I’ve moved house since the police dug up the garden at our last place. I told them they were wasting their time. I have to say they did not seem very sympathetic of my distressed state. I had nothing to do with her disappearance. I was at the Hope and Anchor the night she left for her mother’s. The barmaid remembers me clearly. I was drinking ‘depth-charges’ that night and I had to explain to her what they were (a mixture of guiness and port). They also questioned me why I did not immediately report the loss of an expensive artwork I had bought a fortnight before. Well, you know, I was upset. They expressed doubt that a man who had previously shown no interest in art should pay thirty grand for a painting, and that the subject, one of Lucien Freud’s fat, blotchy nudes, was hardly appropriate for a living room. I did think that was most impertinent. I may not be Lord Saatchi, but I know what I like. I suggested she might have taken it to show to her mother, but they were not the least bit interested in following up that lead.

Your exhaustedly
Yellow Fang

 

[Mad Doug Biker]

Dear Drago... I have still to read this thread, but, what did I miss??

Yours lazily, MDB

 

[Drago]

Dear Yellow,

I suspect your insomnia is because you're in prison and Bubba keeps waking you up.

Going over the wall looks like your only option.

Unkie D.

 

[tyred]

Dear Uncle Drago,

I waited many, many years for my promotion at work. Now that I have finally reached the top in my career, I feel rather underwhelmed by the whole thing and to be quite frank, I feel I would rather spend my time talking to my geraniums.

I am also concerned about my youngest son who seems to like drawing attention to himself and tries his best to make my family appear even more disfunctional than we actually are. I also don't care for his wife if I am being honest.

Also, people keep making disparaging remarks about my fingers.

What should one do?

Yours Sincerely,
Charles,
Buckingham Palace.

 

[stephec]

Dear Uncle Drago,

I waited many, many years for my promotion at work. Now that I have finally reached the top in my career, I feel rather underwhelmed by the whole thing and to be quite frank, I feel I would rather spend my time talking to my geraniums.

I am also concerned about my youngest son who seems to like drawing attention to himself and tries his best to make my family appear even more disfunctional than we actually are. I also don't care for his wife if I am being honest.

Also, people keep making disparaging remarks about my fingers.

What should one do?

Yours Sincerely,
Charles,
Buckingham Palace.

Dear Charles

When you speak of your youngest son, are you sure that you have genuinely more than one son?

 

[Mad Doug Biker]

Dear Charles. I am getting impression that you are of advancing years. How long do you want to work before retirement? It sounds like it is really taking it out of you already, so you might want to consider if your job is really worth it.

Perhaps a gentle and graceful retirement with your plants may be a better option?

 

[Drago]

Dear Charles,

I am afraid I do not speak to people that belly-in other people's aircraft.

Fortunately, your younger Brother Andrew is a PR expert and can advise you accordingly.

Unkie Drago.

 

[Toshiba Boy]

Dear Unkie Dragmaster

I have recently "decided" to leave my last post, one that I've held, tightly, for some 20 years.

I'm looking for new and exciting opportunities, do you have any suggestions?

Phil ( Holly's fwend)

 

[Deleted member 26715]

I have recently "decided" to leave my last post, one that I've held, tightly, for some 20 years.

Your hands must be very sore & tired

 

[Drago]

Dear Unkie Dragmaster

I have recently "decided" to leave my last post, one that I've held, tightly, for some 20 years.

I'm looking for new and exciting opportunities, do you have any suggestions?

Phil ( Holly's fwend)

Dear Phil,

I'm sorry to hear of your new found unemployment, and fervently hope you were able to retrieve the hidden cameras from Holly's dressing room before security threw you out on your ear.

Love,

Unkie Drago.

 

[Paulus]

Dear Unkie Dragmaster

I have recently "decided" to leave my last post, one that I've held, tightly, for some 20 years.

I'm looking for new and exciting opportunities, do you have any suggestions?

Phil ( Holly's fwend)

As the summer season is approaching, maybe time is right for a new Punch and Judy show on the prom at Southend on sea.
Or, a deckchair attendant at Worthing.
I understand that the sea air is bracing.

 

[roadrash]

Dear uncle Dwago, me and my wife recently moved to america after a family argument, do you have any tips for getting the attention of the press/paparazzi, they seem to be ignoring us, do you think an invented car chase would work.

yours gingerly
the spare son