Any good jokes ... ?

[Silver Fox]

I was feeling frisky the other day and asked the girlfriend for a spot of hand relief.
She obliged but kept her car keys in the palm of her hand.
I'm getting tired of being fobbed off.

 

[Falwheeler]

When Andrea found out that her dog, a Schnauzer, could hardly hear, she took it to the vet. The vet found that the problem was hair in the dog's ears. He cleaned both ears, and the dog could then hear fine. The vet then proceeded to tell Andrea that, if she wanted to keep this from recurring, she should go to Boots and get some "Nair" hair remover and rub it in the dog's ears once a month. Andrea went to Boots and asked for some "Nair" hair remover. The pharmacist told her, "If you're going to use this under your arms, don't use deodorant for a few days." Andrea said, "I'm not using it under my arms." The pharmacist said, "If you're using it on your legs, don't use body lotion for a couple of days."Andrea replied, "I'm not using it on my legs either. If you must know, I'm using it on my Schnauzer." The pharmacist says, "Well, stay off your bicycle for about a week."

 

[thom]

Why should you never buy Russian underpants ?


Chernobyl fallout...

 

[Ashtrayhead]

A man is sitting at home alone when he hears a knock on the front door. He opens it to find two sheriff's deputies there. He asks if there is a problem. One of the deputies asks if he is married. He says "Yes, I am". The deputy then asks if he could see a picture of the man's wife. The guy says "Sure" and gets a photo to show them. The deputy says "I'm sorry, sir. But it looks like your wife's been hit by a truck". The guy replies "I know, but she has a great personality and is an excellent cook".

 

[sdr gb]

After a visit to the local house of ill repute, a man notices next morning that his willy is covered in green lumps. Worried he goes to the docs. After showing the Dr his problem, the Dr says " Aah yes, I know exactly what's wrong. You know how rugby players suffer from cauliflower ears, well, you've got brothel sprouts."

 

[dawesome]

Sold my flat today! Be hell to pay when the council find out.

 

[Silver Fox]

I was telling a girl in the pub about my uncanny ability to guess what day a woman was born on just by feeling her breasts. "Reallly" she said, " Go on then, try".

After about 30 seconds she began to lose patience, " Come on" she demanded, " What day was I born"

"Yesterday" I replied.

 

[col]

For all those fat ugly people not celebrating Valentines, dont worry its pancake day next week.

 

[thom]

What do you call a Frenchman wearing sandals ?

Philippe Philoppe

 

[strofiwimple]

A psychic dwarf escaped from prison yesterday.
Police are searching for a small medium at large.

 

[loadz]

Studies show that during sex you burn as much calories as running 8 miles..... who the hell runs 8 miles in 30 seconds

 

[Beebo]

A lady is walking her dog through a grave yard when he sees a man stooping next to a grave.

She says "morning"

To which the man replies "no, just having a crap"

 

[thom]

A dwarf goes to a psychologist to ask if they would offer him treatment.
"Yes of course that is possible. You'll just have to be a little patient".

 

[Globalti]

The Potato King was sick of his three princess daughters moping around the palace so he summoned them to his chamber.

(Pam Ayers rustic accent needed here) “Daughters,” he commanded, “It is time for you to marry. Go out and find yourselves a suitable potato husband and report back to me one year from now.”

A year passed and the three daughters returned to tell their father how they had got on.

“My first daughter… tell me who you married!”

“Well Father,” replied the first daughter, “ I met a lovely Jersey Royal and I married him!”

“Very good! Very good!” chortled the Kind proudly. “Daughter number two?”

“Ooh Father, I met a lovely King Edward and I married him!”

“Excellent! Excellent!” smiled the King. “Now, daughter number three – how did you get on?”

(Sad voice here) “Well Father, I’m afraid I must disappoint you. I married….. Des Lynam”

“Des Lynam? Des Lynam?” shouted the King, enraged. “He’s just a common tater!”

 

[wildjetskier]

A building contracter hires an Englishman, an Irishman, and a Chinaman. He gathers them all in his office and tells each of them their jobs. The Englishman to shovel a pile of sand. The Irishman has to take the sand in the wheelbarrow to the truck. The Chinaman is in charge of supplies.
The boss comes back two hours later and he sees the Englishman and the Irishman having a cup of tea. ''So have you done the work then?'' he asks.
The workers both shake their heads and tell him that the Chinaman didn't give them a shovel or a wheelbarrow. The boss is infuriated by this and asks the workers if they have seen the Chinaman, they tell him they thought they saw him going toward the truck. So the boss sets out towards the truck and just as he is getting close to the truck the Chinaman jumps out from behind a wall and yells, "SUPPLIES!"