Any good jokes ... ?

[wildjetskier]

Englishman an Irishman and a Scotsman were in a pub, talking about their sons. My son was born on St George's Day," commented the English man. "So we obviously decided to call him George" "That's a real coincidence," remarked the Scot. "My son was born on St Andrew's Day, so obviously we decided to call him Andrew."
"That's incredible, what a coincidence, "said the Irishman. "Exactly the same thing happened with my son Pancake."

 

[wildjetskier]

An oldie but still makes me chuckle

A lady walks into the office and asks "May I use your dictaphone ?"

Man says "NO! Use your finger !"

 

[machew]

Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson were going camping. They pitched their tent under the stars and went to sleep.​

Sometime in the middle of the night Holmes woke Watson up and said: "Watson, look up at the stars, and tell me what you see." Watson replied: "I see millions and millions of stars."​

Holmes said: "And what do you deduce from that?"​

Watson replied: "Well, if there are millions of stars, and if even a few of those have planets, it’s quite likely there are some planets like Earth out there. And if there are a few planets like Earth out there, there might also be life."​

And Holmes said: "Watson, you idiot, it means that somebody stole our tent."​

 

[Leedsbusdriver]

Adam was walking around the Garden of Eden feeling very lonely, so God asked Adam,
"What's wrong with you?"
Adam said he didn't have anyone to talk to.

God said he was going to give him a companion and it would be a woman.
He said, "This person will cook for you and wash your clothes.
She will always agree with every decision you make.
She will bear you children and never ask you to get up in the night to take care of them.
She will not nag, and will be the first to admit she was wrong when you've had a disagreement.
She will never have a headache, and will freely give you love and compassion whenever needed."

Adam asked God, "What will a woman like this cost?"
God said, "An arm and a leg."
Adam said, "What can I get for just a rib?"
The rest is history.

 

[Leedsbusdriver]

Two nuns are ordered to paint a room in the convent, and the last instruction of the Mother Superior
was that they must not get even a drop of paint on their habits.

After conferring about this for a while, the two nuns decide to lock the door,
strip off their habits, and paint in the nude.

In the middle of the project, there was a knock at the door.
"Who is it?" called one of the nuns.
"Blind man," replied a voice from the other side of the door.

The two nuns look at each other and shrug,
deciding that no harm can come from letting a blind man into the room; they open the door.

"Nice boobs," said the man. "Where do you want these blinds?"

 

[baldycyclist]

two nuns in a car driving down a road when a cyclist cuts them up at a junction.
Sister Mildred says to Sister Ethel - "show him your cross"

At which point Sister Ethel winds down the window and shouts "watch where your going you $%^&£$ twit"

Old but still funny

A little like "where's the soap!"

 

[Archie_tect]

Doesn't it?

Why do scuba divers fall backwards into the water?
Because if they fell forwards, they'd still be in the boat.

 

[baldycyclist]

it does!

like that one Archie

 

[atbman]

If you put a Formula 1 engine in a mechanised street sweeper,what noise does it make:

Broom! Broom!

 

[loadz]

Little boy tells his nursery teacher he found a dead cat. "How did you know it was dead" asks teacher. "Because I pi$$ed in its ear & it did'nt move" says the boy. "You did what?" shrieks teacher. "You know" explains the boy, "I leant over & went Pssst & it didn't move" !

 

[subaqua]

coins were thrown onto the pitch at Ibrox on saturday. Police are unsure whether to treat it as hooliganism or a takeover bid .

 

[CharlieB]

You know how cows lying down are supposed to foretell rain?
Well, a group of a bull and his harem of cows totally missed one of the the worst hurricanes ever recently. The wind was so strong that the cows wre actually tossed around in the air. Meanwhile, the bull managed to stay on his feet, mooing discontentedly throughout the storm.
After it subsided one of the cows went up to the bull and asked 'that was incredible - how did you manage to stay on the ground during that?'
'Well', he replied, 'we bulls wobble but we don't fall down.'

 

[Belly]

This thread has cheered me up because I've just got back from the doctors, where I was given some bad news.
While I was there she said to me 'Mr Bell, I'm afraid you'll have to stop masturbating.'
I asked her why and she replied 'Because I'm trying to examine you.'

 

[Belly]

I had to do some DIY the other day and asked my dopey mate, 'Is there a B&Q in Birkenhead?'
He thought for a moment then said 'There's definitely a B but I don't think there's a Q.'

 

[strofiwimple]

Two naked lesbians broke into my house last night and started molesting my wife.
I tried my best to stop them but all i could do was knock one out....