Chris S
Legendary Member
- Location
- Birmingham
"You want fork and tray?"
"There's no need to swear."
Any good jokes ... ?
- Thread starter cisamcgu
- Start date
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"There's no need to swear."
Chap sur le velo
Über Member
- Location
- @acknee
...well there's a bicycle in this one...
A man sees the local Vicar walking around the village
which is odd because he is usually riding his bicycle.
"Good Morning Vicar, where's your bicycle", asks the man.
"I'm afraid someone has stolen it," says the Vicar, "But
don't worry. I know how to get it back. Tomorrow I'm
going to preach on the Ten Commandments and when I
get to 'Thou shalt not steal,' I will look round the
congregation and see who has a guilty face."
"Good idea, Vicar," says the man. "That should get your
bicycle back."
Two days later the man sees the Vicar riding his bicycle
around the village and he says,"So it worked then Vicar"
"Not quite," says the Vicar. "I did preach on the Ten
Commandments like I said, but when I got to 'Thou
shalt not commit adultery,' I remembered where I'd
left my bike."
A man sees the local Vicar walking around the village
which is odd because he is usually riding his bicycle.
"Good Morning Vicar, where's your bicycle", asks the man.
"I'm afraid someone has stolen it," says the Vicar, "But
don't worry. I know how to get it back. Tomorrow I'm
going to preach on the Ten Commandments and when I
get to 'Thou shalt not steal,' I will look round the
congregation and see who has a guilty face."
"Good idea, Vicar," says the man. "That should get your
bicycle back."
Two days later the man sees the Vicar riding his bicycle
around the village and he says,"So it worked then Vicar"
"Not quite," says the Vicar. "I did preach on the Ten
Commandments like I said, but when I got to 'Thou
shalt not commit adultery,' I remembered where I'd
left my bike."
Leaway2
Lycrist
- Location
- Manchester (Sale)
Yeah, rained on his parade.
ClichéGuevara
Legendary Member
- Location
- Kingston upon the River Hull
Arjimlad
Tights of Cydonia
- Location
- South Glos
Kevin walked into a doctor's office and the receptionist asked him what he had.
Kevin said: 'Shingles.'
So the receptionist wrote down his name, address, NHS number and told him to have a seat.
Fifteen minutes later a nurse's aide came out and asked Kevin what he had....
Kevin said, 'Shingles.'
So she wrote down his height, weight, a complete medical history and told Kevin to wait in the examining room..
A half hour later a nurse came in and asked Kevin what he had. Kevin said, 'Shingles..'
So the nurse gave Kevin a blood test, a blood pressure test, an electrocardiogram, and told Kevin to take off all his clothes and wait for the doctor.
An hour later the doctor came in and found Kevin sitting patiently in the nude and asked Kevin what he had.
Kevin said, 'Shingles.'
The doctor asked, 'Where?'
Kevin said, 'Outside on the truck. Where do you want me to unload 'em??
Kevin said: 'Shingles.'
So the receptionist wrote down his name, address, NHS number and told him to have a seat.
Fifteen minutes later a nurse's aide came out and asked Kevin what he had....
Kevin said, 'Shingles.'
So she wrote down his height, weight, a complete medical history and told Kevin to wait in the examining room..
A half hour later a nurse came in and asked Kevin what he had. Kevin said, 'Shingles..'
So the nurse gave Kevin a blood test, a blood pressure test, an electrocardiogram, and told Kevin to take off all his clothes and wait for the doctor.
An hour later the doctor came in and found Kevin sitting patiently in the nude and asked Kevin what he had.
Kevin said, 'Shingles.'
The doctor asked, 'Where?'
Kevin said, 'Outside on the truck. Where do you want me to unload 'em??
ClichéGuevara
Legendary Member
- Location
- Kingston upon the River Hull
Maybe needs a vowel movement?
As a traditional musician living in the west of Scotland, I’m privileged in that it allows me to meet lots of people. In particular, being a piper, I regularly get invited to some very special family events. Some are happy events - I have played at numerous weddings - but I also regularly have to play at sad events - a piper at a funeral is traditional in these parts.
I was approached by a funeral director, asking me if I’d play at a very small funeral. It was an old farm worker who had passed away, on an island in Argyll, just across the water from here. He had no family, and very few close friends. He had two last requests - to be buried on the land he had worked, and for a piper to play at his graveside.
The landowner was agreeable, and the burial was arranged.
To my shame, I screwed up. I had planned to be there in good time, but missed the ferry. I arrived on the next ferry, already late, then got lost. It's that “guy thing” - too proud to ask for directions. I was sure I knew where I was going, but obviously I didn’t.
Can’t believe it - it’s the first time in my live that I’ve screwed up an appointment like this. And I’m lost.
Eventually, driving down a single track road, I saw it. There was a small gathering of people, over at the far side of a field. I parked the car, grabbed my pipes, and ran across.
I was too late. It was all over. The few guests and the funeral cars were gone. All that was left was four workmen, who had already started to fill in the hole. They had stopped for a break, and were sitting at the edge of the field, drinking tea from a flask and eating sandwiches. They looked on me with scorn, as I ran across in full highland dress. I was embarrassed and ashamed - didn’t know what to say.
There was only one thing to do. I took my pipes out of the box, stood at the graveside, and started playing.
And the most incredible thing happened. As I played “Amazing Grace”, the grey sky started to clear, and a beam of sunshine broke through, lighting up the loch below us. It was the most beautiful sight I have seen. The 4 workmen put down their sandwiches and joined me, standing beside the hole in respect.
I began to play “Highland Cathedral”. The workers took off their caps, and held them in their dirty hands, heads bowed, in a mark of silent respect. I could only think of for the old farmer who had worked this land all his life and how I had let him down.
And then I played “The Flowers of the Forest” - a tune that is only ever played at funerals or remembrance services. The workers were visibly moved, and I think even the foreman had a tear in his eye.
I stopped playing, stood in silence for a minute, then turned round and started packing up my pipes. The men ate the last of their sandwiches and went back to work, filling in the hole and replacing the turf.
As I made to leave, the old foreman came over and spoke to me.
“That was beautiful”, he said. “Very moving. I can honestly say that I’ve never experienced anything like it in my life. And I’ve been fitting septic tanks for 30 years..."
I was approached by a funeral director, asking me if I’d play at a very small funeral. It was an old farm worker who had passed away, on an island in Argyll, just across the water from here. He had no family, and very few close friends. He had two last requests - to be buried on the land he had worked, and for a piper to play at his graveside.
The landowner was agreeable, and the burial was arranged.
To my shame, I screwed up. I had planned to be there in good time, but missed the ferry. I arrived on the next ferry, already late, then got lost. It's that “guy thing” - too proud to ask for directions. I was sure I knew where I was going, but obviously I didn’t.
Can’t believe it - it’s the first time in my live that I’ve screwed up an appointment like this. And I’m lost.
Eventually, driving down a single track road, I saw it. There was a small gathering of people, over at the far side of a field. I parked the car, grabbed my pipes, and ran across.
I was too late. It was all over. The few guests and the funeral cars were gone. All that was left was four workmen, who had already started to fill in the hole. They had stopped for a break, and were sitting at the edge of the field, drinking tea from a flask and eating sandwiches. They looked on me with scorn, as I ran across in full highland dress. I was embarrassed and ashamed - didn’t know what to say.
There was only one thing to do. I took my pipes out of the box, stood at the graveside, and started playing.
And the most incredible thing happened. As I played “Amazing Grace”, the grey sky started to clear, and a beam of sunshine broke through, lighting up the loch below us. It was the most beautiful sight I have seen. The 4 workmen put down their sandwiches and joined me, standing beside the hole in respect.
I began to play “Highland Cathedral”. The workers took off their caps, and held them in their dirty hands, heads bowed, in a mark of silent respect. I could only think of for the old farmer who had worked this land all his life and how I had let him down.
And then I played “The Flowers of the Forest” - a tune that is only ever played at funerals or remembrance services. The workers were visibly moved, and I think even the foreman had a tear in his eye.
I stopped playing, stood in silence for a minute, then turned round and started packing up my pipes. The men ate the last of their sandwiches and went back to work, filling in the hole and replacing the turf.
As I made to leave, the old foreman came over and spoke to me.
“That was beautiful”, he said. “Very moving. I can honestly say that I’ve never experienced anything like it in my life. And I’ve been fitting septic tanks for 30 years..."
Toshiba Boy
N+1er
- Location
- By the beach, West Zummerzet
mistyoptic
Vintage
- Location
- A parallel reality
Toshiba Boy
N+1er
- Location
- By the beach, West Zummerzet
Toshiba Boy
N+1er
- Location
- By the beach, West Zummerzet
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