Any good jokes ... ?

[Dayvo]

Another from Facebook.

 

[colly]

Why do laxatives have a best before date ?

I mean, if they go out of date and you use them.....what's the worst that can happen ?

 

[colly]

 

[Cavalol]

For her birthday, my wife told me to get her something from Amazon, so I've bought her a crocodile.

 

[benb]

For her birthday, my wife told me to get her something from Amazon, so I've bought her a crocodile.

Crocodiles don't inhabit the Amazon. The closest you could get is a black or spectacled caiman, which are in the same order, but are not crocodiles.

 

[Cavalol]

Crocodiles don't inhabit the Amazon. The closest you could get is a black or spectacled caiman, which are in the same order, but are not crocodiles.

I didn't say 'The' Amazon, I said 'Amazon'

 

[benb]

I didn't say 'The' Amazon, I said 'Amazon'

View attachment 472634

Haha, touché

 

[Leaway2]

Crocodiles don't inhabit the Amazon. The closest you could get is a black or spectacled caiman, which are in the same order, but are not crocodiles.

Good pedantry!

 

[glasgowcyclist]

Aye, two Twatts in Scotland

Better make that three...

 

[GM]

Probably been on here before but....

A priest, a minister, and a rabbi wanted to find out who’s best at his job. So they decide that each of them will go into the woods, find a bear and attempt to convert it. Later that day, they get together. The priest begins: “I found a bear sitting by a tree. I blessed him and sprinkled him with holy water. Next week is his first communion.” The minister says, “I found a bear by a stream and preached God’s holy word. The bear was so mesmerized that he let me baptize him.” They both look at the rabbi, who is all scratched and bruised and with his clothes torn to shreds. The rabbi looks at them and says, “Maybe I shouldn't have started with the circumcision.”

Dave, you can keep the theme going....

A priest says to his friend, the rabbi, that he has developed a plan of eating for free in really good restaurants.
"I simply go in at well past 9pm, eat several courses slowly, and linger over coffee, dessert, until they are cleaning up. I keep sitting there until eventually a waiter comes up and asks me to pay.
Then I say, 'I've already paid my original waiter who has left for the night.' And, because I am a man of the cloth, the waiter takes my word for it, and I just simply walk out the front door as calm as can be."
The rabbi, clearly impressed says, "Let's try it together this evening."
The priest agrees and books them into an expensive, 5-Star Italian restaurant.
They both eat like kings and, just as before, right at 2 am, they are both sitting quietly after enjoying their very full meal.
Sure enough, a waiter comes over and hands the priest and the rabbi a bill and asks them to pay. The priest calmly says: "I've already paid our original waiter who has left for the evening."
And then the rabbi adds: "And we're still waiting for the change!"

 

[Smokin Joe]

The pope is arguing with an atheist about the existence of God. After an hour of being unable to get his adversary to change his mind, the pope becomes exasperated and angrily exclaims,

"You are like a blindfolded man, wandering round a dark room looking for a black cat that isn't there".

The atheist replies,

"With respect, your holiness, you too are like a blindfolded man, wandering round a dark room looking for a black cat that isn't there. Only you've found it".

 

[raleighnut]

The pope is arguing with an atheist about the existence of God. After an hour of being unable to get his adversary to change his mind, the pope becomes exasperated and angrily exclaims,

"You are like a blindfolded man, wandering round a dark room looking for a black cat that isn't there".

The atheist replies,

"With respect, your holiness, you too are like a blindfolded man, wandering round a dark room looking for a black cat that isn't there. Only you've found it".

Aah Dave Allen was brilliant,

 

[Dave7]

Aah Dave Allen was brilliant,

I thought I had read/heard that before but it still made me laugh.
Dave Allen was irreverent but so funny.

 

[Profpointy]

Crocodiles don't inhabit the Amazon. The closest you could get is a black or spectacled caiman, which are in the same order, but are not crocodiles.

But they are crocodilians

 

[benb]

But they are crocodilians

Yes, that was the order I linked to above. Crocodilian != crocodile