Any good jokes ... ?

[Dave7]

My neighbour just walked past with two dogs. I said to him, "I didn't know you had any dogs."
He replied, "They're not my dogs, they're my sisters."
I said, "Wow, your sisters are really ugly."

 

[morrisman]

What dessert always comes back to you when you throw it away?
A Blue Meringue

 

[morrisman]

Does anyone want to buy an old theremin?
You can have mine I haven't touched it in years

 

[Cavalol]

The council have said if we want our avenue to be electric, we'll have to apply for an Eddy grant.

 

[PaulB]

What's got five eyes, five hand and five legs?


Five pirates.

 

[morrisman]

How does Peter Parker keep track of the number of arachnids in any given neighbourhood?
He uses his spider census.

 

[PaulB]

Citroen release their latest Picasso.

 

[betty swollocks]

 

[PaulB]

The search for a cure for nits goes on.

Maybe if we all put our heads together....

 

[Cavalol]

My colleague can no longer attend next weeks Innuendo Seminar, so I have to fill her slot instead.

 

[twentysix by twentyfive]

I had my annual medical check today. The doc said, “Don’t eat anything fatty.”
I asked if he meant like bacon or sausage.
He replied,
“Don’t eat anything........fatty!”

 

[betty swollocks]

 

[Profpointy]

My colleague can no longer attend next weeks Innuendo Seminar, so I have to fill her slot instead.

A lady walked into a bar and asked the for a double entendre ... so the barman gave her one


Another lady asked for a single entendre ... and the barman f...d her

 

[morrisman]

People always ask where I got my incredibly detailed tattoo done, but they never believe me when I tell them Madrid.
Nobody expects the Spanish ink precision.

 

[simon the viking]

A knowledge of woodwork may be required for this joke (term used loosely) I've just written... It came to me while putting some saws away at work


My wife swore loudly... I looked across and asked what was wrong... I cant cut these intricate patterns in this wood panel.... I said well stop FRETTING then

You're a fine one to talk she replied sitting there with your bit of stick and penknife.... WHITTLING

Well I'm worried about our daughter.

Why? she asked...

Shes trying to cut a neater joint than a mitre joint on the skirting board she's fitting.... And not COPING very well