My missus has just told me to pack my bags and never come back. As I walked out the door, she screamed 'I hope you spend the rest of your life in misery, pain and boredom'.
I said 'Flipping heck, make your mind up. One minute you want me leave , now you want me to stay'
Two blokes sat in the bar at the top of the empire state building. First blokes turns to the other and says 'do you know this is the only building in the world where you can jump out the window, float around the building and land back in your seat' 'Rubbish', says the second. 'It's true I tell you, its all to do with the thermal currents created by the heating in all the other buildings close by, watch'
And with that the first man jumps out of the window, circles the building and lands back in his chair.
'Wow, says the second man, that's incredible, I must try it.'
So he jumps from his seat and out the window, there is a rush of air and then a scream, and a distant splatting sound as he hits the pavement.
'You do realise when you have been drinking you can be a real bastard, superman' said the barman.
I walked into the bedroom the other day and found my wife lying on the bed, cold and lifeless.
After the initial shock, I decided I'd make love to her........ one last time, for old time's sake.
In the middle of it, the opened her eyes and shouted "Boo, just kidding!"