Any good jokes ... ?

[Dave7]

A Welsh farmer is stood by the gate when an English hiker pauses to say hello. The farmer has a dog, horse and sheep with him.
The walker says " Nice dog, may I have a chat with it"?
The walker says to the dog "how are you, is everything ok"?
The dog says " fine thanks. We go for regular walks and the farmers feeds me well"?
The farmer is gobsmacked.
The man asks if he can talk to the horse and the farmers says "go ahead.....but it won't say anything".
The man proceeds to have a good conversation with the horse.
The farmer says "amazing, I've never seen anything like it"
He then says......."and before that sheep says anything, it's a fukcing liar".

 

[DRM]

A Sheep farmer in deepest darkest Yorkshire is sat outside his farm, picking apart sheep sh#t and rolling it in to small balls, when an American Tourist walks past, turns back and say's "Hey Buddy what's that that you're making" the farmers says "They're learnin' pills" , the American says "And what do they do"? , so the farmer replies "They make you right clever", the American says "OK, I'll buy some, do you swallow them"?, the farmer says "Take 3 at the same time, and chew 'em" so the American does just that, screws up his face in disgust and shouts " God damn, that's sheep sh#t" the farmer replies " Aye, that's right, see how you're learnin'"

 

[postman]

I bought a first aid kit today,thought i'd treat myself.

 

[postman]

A bloke and his wife go on a trip to the Holy Land,sadly his wife dies on holiday.The Jewish people are wonderful and understanding.The Funeral Director explains they have two funeral plans.First is a private jet back home to England,body in a freezer controlled coffin,on arriving in London a hearse one limousine and four motorcycle outriders to his home town.Cost is rather expensive thirty five thousand shekels.The second option is buried tomorrow before sunset an oak coffin one hearse and one car,cost one thousand shekels .He takes the thirty five thousand shekels back to England offer,can i ask why says the director the man answers well you buried a bloke two thousand years ago and he came back from the dead,i'm not taking that chance.

 

[craigwend]

 

[srj10]

 

[craigwend]

 

[raleighnut]

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I'd disagree,

Nothing in this house is lost til Maz puts it away....................Never to be seen again.

 

[Profpointy]

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We have a bit of a running gag when my wife asks "have you moved anything?" stemming from me failing to find some ingredient in the fridge. Having robustly denied "moving anything" it turned out I was supposed to move things to see if the searched for item was hidden behind !

 

[Joey Shabadoo]

 

[Dave7]

Just had my annual checkup and the Doctor told me that for a man of my age my overall health is very good.
I told him that I do have a problem in that my sex drive is too high !!
He was shocked and asked why I said that.
I said that nowadays it's all in my head and asked if he could lower it by about 2 feet.

 

[mistyoptic]

 

[Toshiba Boy]

 

[AndyRM]

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What have you done...

Genuinely one of the funniest things I've seen on here.

 

[Dave7]

Employee :- we have to stop testing our
products on animals.
Boss :- why? Shampoo manufacturers
do it all the time.
Employee :- yes, but we make dildos!