Any good jokes ... ?

[Dave7]

Police found a dead Evri driver in my garden. They asked if I recognise him. I said "he doesn't ring a bell".

 

[ebikeerwidnes]

I used to know a one legged Chinese man named Thai Won Shu.

Little aside - I saw a charity many years ago that used to go to shoe shops as get shoes that had no match for the other foot
apparently sometimes one shoe gets damaged - or arrives substandard, and they are sort of left with it

but this charity took them and passed them on to amputees that only needed one shoe!

 

[Vapin' Joe]

but this charity took them and passed them on to amputees that only needed one shoe!

View: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9jBlE5F7r8I

 

[ebikeerwidnes]

View: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9jBlE5F7r8I

I think the article I saw was in response to this on the TV

 

[Dave7]

3 blokes in the waiting room of the maternity ward. A scouser, a Manc and a Pakistani.
The consultant comes out and says "I'm sorry but there's been a mix up and we dont know which babies belong to who. The fairest thing is for you to view the babies, one at a time, and you decide which is which. The scouser claims 1st dibs, goes in and comes out with the baby that obviously belongs to the Pakistani who immediately has a go at the scouser . The scouser says "sorry mate but there's 2 left in there and im not taking the chance of ending up with a Manc ".

 

[ebikeerwidnes]

3 blokes in the waiting room of the maternity ward. A scouser, a Manc and a Pakistani.
The consultant comes out and says "I'm sorry but there's been a mix up and we dont know which babies belong to who. The fairest thing is for you to view the babies, one at a time, and you decide which is which. The scouser claims 1st dibs, goes in and comes out with the baby that obviously belongs to the Pakistani who immediately has a go at the scouser . The scouser says "sorry mate but there's 2 left in there and im not taking the chance of ending up with a Manc ".

I am certainly using that one

I suspect my wife will roll her eyes

again

 

[PeteXXX]

Me: I was swimming in the sea and a pod of whales showed up and swam alongside me. The feeling.. Pure happiness!

Friend: *nodding* Endorphins.

Me: No, just whales...

🐬

 

[cisamcgu]

 

[tyred]

 

[Profpointy]

View attachment 804480

Or just suggest getting a tradesman in !

 

[ebikeerwidnes]

Or just suggest getting a tradesman in !

When my friend's Dad retired his wife suggested that they get their normal decorator in to "do" the lounge and stairs
His Dad said he would od it himself now he had the time

She really regretted that
not that he did a bad job - it was an excellent job - damn close to perfect and probably better than a proper decorator
but he took AGES

My friend was a Police Officer at the time and working shifts and all that and his comments on it were hilarious
he was more than a bit fed up of getting home from a night shift breaking up pub fights on the Ford Estate to find random parts of the house covered in sheets and with ladders on walls!!!

 

[Dave7]

On a whim I went to a religious revival meeting yesterday.
The preacher laid his right hand on my head and solemly announced MY SON, YOU WILL WALK TODAY. I said thank you but im not paralysed. He looked me in the eye and again announced HEAR ME, YOU WILL WALK TODAY.
I'd had enough and left. I got outside to find my car had been stolen.

 

[swee'pea99]

Little aside - I saw a charity many years ago that used to go to shoe shops as get shoes that had no match for the other foot
apparently sometimes one shoe gets damaged - or arrives substandard, and they are sort of left with it

but this charity took them and passed them on to amputees that only needed one shoe!

Who was it round here said they'd tried starting a business selling beach footwear to one-legged people - it was a flop.

 

[Profpointy]

On a whim I went to a religious revival meeting yesterday.
The preacher laid his right hand on my head and solemly announced MY SON, YOU WILL WALK TODAY. I said thank you but im not paralysed. He looked me in the eye and again announced HEAR ME, YOU WILL WALK TODAY.
I'd had enough and left. I got outside to find my car had been stolen.

And in a similar vein, I went to a faith healing meeting and it was so terrible even the guy in a wheelchair walked out

 

[tyred]