Christmas work do... hall of shame 2015

[subaqua]

my first christmas do as an apprentice my mentor ( a spark 5 yrs older than me ) got pissed , got angry , punched a wall and his then girlfriend launched the engagement ring back at him.

I have done too many stupid things at Christmas drinks with work to remember all of them. my favourite was bouncing end to end on the central line for 5 hours .

 

[Moon bunny]

Although the organisation I work for hires out rooms for expensive corporate Xmas parties, our own is held in a tent miles from anywhere, "Less chance of us damaging something valuable". When arty types party.

 

[Sbudge]

I've been on company Christmas excursions when the pilot has had to publicly threaten to divert the flight in order to try and calm things down (once on the way back from Amsterdam and once from Cape Town...yes the boss took everyone to SA for the weekend)

 

[TVC]

A femsle workmate is a bit straight laced, sensible and always in control, not the kind you could tell smutty jokes to or banter with. Five or so years ago, not being a big drinker, the free red wine got to her at the Xmas party. I heard a massive cheer from my colleagues and turned round to find her standing on a table with her dress pulled up over her head displaying her substantial undergarments to the entire room.

 

[User169]

Once got a call at 4pm the day after the office Christmas party from the father of a colleague's girlfriend. My colleague hadn't got home or been in contact and apparently I was the last person he'd been seen with. I wasn't much help as I couldn't remember the final parts of the party that well. He finally turned up about 6pm and wouldn't ever tell me where he'd been.

 

[vernon]

The perils or organising a company Christmas do......


Company Memo
FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: November 1, 2012
RE: Gala Christmas Party

I'm happy to inform you that the company Christmas Party will take place on December 23rd, starting at noon in the private function room at the Grill House.

There will be a cash bar and plenty of drinks! We'll have a small band playing traditional carols... feel free to sing along. And don't be surprised if our CEO shows up dressed as Santa Claus!

A Christmas tree will be lit at 1:00 PM. Exchanges of gifts among employees can be done at that time; however, no gift should be over £10.00 to make the giving of gifts easy for everyone's pockets.

This gathering is only for employees!

Our CEO will make a special announcement at that time!

Merry Christmas to you and your family,
Patty


Company Memo
FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: November 2, 2012
RE: Gala Holiday Party

In no way was yesterday's memo intended to exclude our Jewish employees. We recognize that Hanukkah is an important holiday, which often coincides with Christmas, though unfortunately not this year.

However, from now on, we're calling it our "Holiday Party." The same policy applies to any other employees who are not Christians and to those still celebrating The Emperor's Birthday.

There will be no Christmas tree and no Christmas carols will be sung.

We will have other types of music for your enjoyment.

Happy now?

Happy Holidays to you and your family,
Patty

Company Memo
FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: November 3, 2012
RE: Holiday Party

Regarding the note I received from a member of Alcoholics Anonymous requesting a non-drinking table, you didn't sign your name...

I'm happy to accommodate this request, but if I put a sign on a table that reads, "AA Only", you wouldn't be anonymous anymore. How am I supposed to handle this?

Somebody?

And sorry, but forget about the gift exchange, no gifts are allowed since the union members feel that £10.00 is too much money and the executives believe £10.00 is a little chintzy.

REMEMBER: NO GIFTS EXCHANGE WILL BE ALLOWED.

Patty

Company Memo
FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
To: All Employees
DATE: November 4, 2012
RE: Generic Holiday Party

What a diverse group we are! I had no idea that December 20th begins the Muslim holy month of Ramadan, which forbids eating and drinking during daylight hours.

There goes the party! Seriously, we can appreciate how a luncheon at this time of year does not accommodate our Muslim employees' beliefs. Perhaps the Grill House can hold off on serving your meal until the end of the party or else package everything for you to take it home in little foil doggy baggy. Will that work?

Meanwhile, I've arranged for members of Weight Watchers to sit farthest from the dessert buffet, and pregnant women will get the table closest to the restrooms.

Gays are allowed to sit with each other. Lesbians do not have to sit with Gay men, each group will have their own table.

Yes, there will be flower arrangement for the Gay men's table.
To the person asking permission to cross dress, the Grill House asks that no cross-dressing be allowed, apparently because of concerns about confusion in the restrooms. Sorry.

We will have booster seats for short people.
Low-fat food will be available for those on a diet.

I am sorry to report that we cannot control the amount of salt used in the food . The Grill House suggests that people with high blood pressure taste a bite first.

There will be fresh "low sugar" fruits as dessert for diabetics, but the restaurant cannot supply "no sugar" desserts. Sorry!

Did I miss anything?!?!?
Patty


Company Memo
FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All F*%^ing Employees
DATE: November 5, 2012
RE: The F*%^ing Holiday Party

I've had it with you vegetarian pricks!!! We're going to keep this party at the Grill House whether you like it or not, so you can sit quietly at the table furthest from the "grill of death," as you so quaintly put it, and you'll get your f*%^ing salad bar, including organic tomatoes.

But you know, tomatoes have feelings, too. They scream when you slice them. I've heard them scream. I'm hearing them scream right NOW!

The rest of you f*%^ing wierdos can kiss my *ss. I hope you all have a rotten holiday!

Drive drunk and die,

The B*tch from H*ll!!!

Company Memo
FROM: Joan Bishop, Acting Human Resources Director
DATE: November 6, 2012
RE: Patty Lewis and Holiday Party

I'm sure I speak for all of us in wishing Patty Lewis a speedy recovery from her recent nervous breakdown and I'll continue to forward your cards to her at the asylum.

In the meantime, management has decided to cancel our Holiday Party and give everyone the afternoon of the 23rd off with full pay.

Happy Whatever!
Joan

 

[subaqua]

The perils or organising a company Christmas do......


Company Memo
FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: November 1, 2012
RE: Gala Christmas Party

I'm happy to inform you that the company Christmas Party will take place on December 23rd, starting at noon in the private function room at the Grill House.

There will be a cash bar and plenty of drinks! We'll have a small band playing traditional carols... feel free to sing along. And don't be surprised if our CEO shows up dressed as Santa Claus!

A Christmas tree will be lit at 1:00 PM. Exchanges of gifts among employees can be done at that time; however, no gift should be over £10.00 to make the giving of gifts easy for everyone's pockets.

This gathering is only for employees!

Our CEO will make a special announcement at that time!

Merry Christmas to you and your family,
Patty


Company Memo
FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: November 2, 2012
RE: Gala Holiday Party

In no way was yesterday's memo intended to exclude our Jewish employees. We recognize that Hanukkah is an important holiday, which often coincides with Christmas, though unfortunately not this year.

However, from now on, we're calling it our "Holiday Party." The same policy applies to any other employees who are not Christians and to those still celebrating The Emperor's Birthday.

There will be no Christmas tree and no Christmas carols will be sung.

We will have other types of music for your enjoyment.

Happy now?

Happy Holidays to you and your family,
Patty

Company Memo
FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: November 3, 2012
RE: Holiday Party

Regarding the note I received from a member of Alcoholics Anonymous requesting a non-drinking table, you didn't sign your name...

I'm happy to accommodate this request, but if I put a sign on a table that reads, "AA Only", you wouldn't be anonymous anymore. How am I supposed to handle this?

Somebody?

And sorry, but forget about the gift exchange, no gifts are allowed since the union members feel that £10.00 is too much money and the executives believe £10.00 is a little chintzy.

REMEMBER: NO GIFTS EXCHANGE WILL BE ALLOWED.

Patty

Company Memo
FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
To: All Employees
DATE: November 4, 2012
RE: Generic Holiday Party

What a diverse group we are! I had no idea that December 20th begins the Muslim holy month of Ramadan, which forbids eating and drinking during daylight hours.

There goes the party! Seriously, we can appreciate how a luncheon at this time of year does not accommodate our Muslim employees' beliefs. Perhaps the Grill House can hold off on serving your meal until the end of the party or else package everything for you to take it home in little foil doggy baggy. Will that work?

Meanwhile, I've arranged for members of Weight Watchers to sit farthest from the dessert buffet, and pregnant women will get the table closest to the restrooms.

Gays are allowed to sit with each other. Lesbians do not have to sit with Gay men, each group will have their own table.

Yes, there will be flower arrangement for the Gay men's table.
To the person asking permission to cross dress, the Grill House asks that no cross-dressing be allowed, apparently because of concerns about confusion in the restrooms. Sorry.

We will have booster seats for short people.
Low-fat food will be available for those on a diet.

I am sorry to report that we cannot control the amount of salt used in the food . The Grill House suggests that people with high blood pressure taste a bite first.

There will be fresh "low sugar" fruits as dessert for diabetics, but the restaurant cannot supply "no sugar" desserts. Sorry!

Did I miss anything?!?!?
Patty


Company Memo
FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All F*%^ing Employees
DATE: November 5, 2012
RE: The F*%^ing Holiday Party

I've had it with you vegetarian pricks!!! We're going to keep this party at the Grill House whether you like it or not, so you can sit quietly at the table furthest from the "grill of death," as you so quaintly put it, and you'll get your f*%^ing salad bar, including organic tomatoes.

But you know, tomatoes have feelings, too. They scream when you slice them. I've heard them scream. I'm hearing them scream right NOW!

The rest of you f*%^ing wierdos can kiss my *ss. I hope you all have a rotten holiday!

Drive drunk and die,

The B*tch from H*ll!!!

Company Memo
FROM: Joan Bishop, Acting Human Resources Director
DATE: November 6, 2012
RE: Patty Lewis and Holiday Party

I'm sure I speak for all of us in wishing Patty Lewis a speedy recovery from her recent nervous breakdown and I'll continue to forward your cards to her at the asylum.

In the meantime, management has decided to cancel our Holiday Party and give everyone the afternoon of the 23rd off with full pay.

Happy Whatever!
Joan

that sounds like organising drinks for somewhere i have worked that will remain nameless as i may want to work there again in the future

 

[Rickshaw Phil]

I couldn't possibly comment about Christmas parties past.

I wonder if I dare go back to The **** ***** Hotel yet?

 

[Dave Davenport]

Not had this year's yet, last year I somehow acquired a life size, stone Venus de Milo bust which weighs about 20kg. Hopefully things will never again get to the stage where a large number of police officers and a couple of ambulances are required, as happened at the most memorable one I've been to.

 

[gavgav]

I couldn't possibly comment about Christmas parties past.

I wonder if I dare go back to *** **** ***** Hotel yet?

Grape and grain.......

 

[Rickshaw Phil]

Grape and grain.......

Yes, guilty as charged. I don't mix them now except in very small quantities.

 

[Julia9054]

Went to my department's Christmas party in the centre of Leeds last year. As about 50% of the department still need their passport to get served, we ended up in a series of increasingly loud and hideous bars and I couldn't get the train I wanted back to civilisation because it was full.
Decided not to bother this year. My idea of an ideal night out these days is down the local pub with the other old gits and misfits - good beer, decent conversation and 5 minutes walk home.
One of the benefits of ageing - no need to pretend to enjoy this sort of thing anymore!

 

[Venod]

One of my favourite quotes about Christmas came from an old foreman, he was old school, in the pub every night, could sink and hold his beer. I said I bet your looking forward to Christmas Pete, his answer.

"No, pubs are are full of Amateur drinkers spoiling it for us proper folk"

I think he was right.

 

[Dave 123]

Last years party was fun. Max who left the college this spring turned up with his drop dead gorgeous friend, all eyes were on her.
The Master of the college is very well connected and his wife comes from "the establishment". They both like a party!
Max was downing the free wine like it was water and hit the dance floor once the music started. The Masters wife was up like a shot and grinding her reproductive areas into his rump forcefully! The master was having a nice dance with Helen, the friend of Max, though not as explicitly. This all went on for quite a while.
The next day I sent Max this text.

Max, I have had a text from Sue (my boss). I understand that the Master is very unhappy with your conduct last night. You are to attend a meeting with him at 9am on Monday morning.

I left him a couple of hours to stew, then I rang him, he'd been shitting himself!

No wonder he left!

 

[alicat]

At this year's team Christmas lunch, our Secret Santa gift swop nearly came to an abrupt end.

Rules
Must be bought from a supermarket.
Must not be food or drink
Must cost no more than £5
Must be as large as possible.

A colleague who hasn't officially come out but has dropped a few hints about his partner received a pack of ... Fairy washing tabs. He took it in good spirit and said in mock seriousness that he was going to HR on Monday.