Comedy one liners that stick.

[accountantpete]

You can't beat Bungdit Din dismissing a tanned Cardew Robinson with the immortal line...


Fakir, Off!

 

[ColinJ]

"Sex and death are two things that come but once in my lifetime, but at least after death you're not nauseous."

Woody Allen when he was funny (amusing) before he became funny (inappropriate sexual conduct with adopted family members).

 

[swee'pea99]

John Cleese + one in the 'relationship gone wrong' scene on some ancient radio show:

"John, once we had something that was pure, and wonderful, and...and...good. What happened to it John?"

"You spent it all."

 

[ACS]

Seagoon: Any cases of frozen feet?
Eccles: You didn't order any cases of frozen feet!

 

[tdr1nka]

'The other day I put strobe lights instead of headlights on my car.
It looked like I was the only car moving on the freeway.' - Steven Wright

 

[cheadle hulme]

But these Fokkers were Messershmitts

 

[Mr Pig]

From Paper Moon:

Moses:And stop standing around here checking on me! You don't have to worry. I ain't about to leave some poor little child stranded in the middle of nowhere. I've got scruples too, ya know. You know what that is... scruples?

Addie: No, I don't know what it is but if you've got 'em, it's a sure bet they belong to somebody else!

 

[buggi]

does it have to be from a comedy or film? my friend used to come out with some classics... once in the pub when she bumped her head and some bloke, thinking he was funny, asked her how her head was.

quick as a flash she came back with "well, i haven't had any complaints so far"

and one time when we were dressed as firemen raising money for charity, we walked past a bus stop and some lads starting singing....

"get your kit off...
get your kit off...
get your kit off for the lads..."

to which she replied singing...

"bet your helmets not as big as mine"

that shut em up

 

[johnnyh]

"Yes you did, you invaded Poland!" - Basil Fawlty

 

[Speicher]

From "Rising Damp"

A lady in a pub says, "I have never been so insulted in all my life"

To which the Leonard Rossiter character replies, "You should get out more".

 

[Chuffy]

The entire script of Withnail & I.

But otherwise.....

"You will not use the word party as a verb in this shop!"
"I do sell a lot of w*nk"
"You're an idiot with a beard attached"
"I ate your bees"
"You're a filth wizard. Friend only to the pig and the rat"
"Right now I'm eating scrambled eggs, with a comb, from a shoe!"
"I'm a giant ear... waiting for your songs of... niceness"

No prize for guessing the source of these quotes. But if you haven't seen it, you should.

 

[Mayniac]

'Infamy, infamy, they've all got it in for me.....'

 

[Cubist]

Your mother was a hamster, and your father smelled of elderberries.

 

[Mr Pig]

No prize for guessing the source of these quotes.

Black Books. Superb :0)

 

[papercorn2000]

"You can't fight in here, it's the War Room"!