Comedy one liners that stick.

[Crankarm]

"Another Fine Mess" was the title of a film.

Ollie's line to Stan, (in 14 different films) was:
"Well, here's another nice mess you've gotten me into."

Are you sure, absolutely sure?

 

[Aint Skeered]

Pete and Dud
The Tarzan audition:

"Yes, the leg division, Mr. Spigott. You are deficient in it — to the tune of one. Your right leg I like. I like your right leg. A lovely leg for the role. That's what I said when I saw you come in. I said ‘A lovely leg for the role.’ I've got nothing against your right leg. The trouble is — neither have you."

 

[just jim]

"Drizzle it!"

from Black Books.

 

[Gooch]

You're my wife now!!! or Hey Dave???...classic!


View: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=a27zbNyf3x4&feature=related


Papa Lazarou - The League of Gentlemen

 

[andrew-the-tortoise]

"SPATCH-COCK"


Catterick.

 

[Hover Fly]

Are you sure, absolutely sure?

Certain, it has been carved in the pavement by the L&H statue in my old home town.

Contains sound:
http://www.patfullerton.com/lh/movies/finemess.html

 

[Crankarm]

You're my wife now!!! or Hey Dave???...classic!


View: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=a27zbNyf3x4&feature=related


Papa Lazarou - The League of Gentlemen

Tubbs : "Are you local?"
Edward: "Hello, hello, what's all this noise, we'll have no trouble here. This
is a local town for local people"
.
.
Tubbs : "We didn't mean to burn him....."

 

[ArDee]

Seen on a Waterstones carrier bag:

"Outside of a dog, a book is a man's best friend. Inside of a dog, it's too dark to read" - Groucho Marx.

Another one by Groucho Marx

“I laughed from the moment I picked up your book, to the moment I put it down - one day I must read it”

 

[Crankarm]

Another one by Groucho Marx

“I laughed from the moment I picked up your book, to the moment I put it down - one day I must read it”

This one of my favourites from Graucho. Some years ago Waterstones did a load of snazzy free bookmarks with this quote on. I have quite a few . It's one of the best put downs I have ever heard.

 

[Crankarm]

"Right, what have the Romans ever done for us apart from the sanitation, education, the roads, law and order?"

"Wine?"

"Wine! Yes, yes, wine alright. Anything else?"

"Peace?"

"Oh p*** off!"

 

[jay]

From the animated TV series MonkeyDust - best not watched if you're easily offended. (It'll never be shown on TV again apparently)

Shock value is everything...

Middle-aged man walks into his flat, his wife asks...

"You've been gone 3 days, where have you been Clive?"

"Oh, er I forgot to mention it but the other day at work an old friend came along to say hi and asked if I could take his gold ring to the smelters to get it melted down. Anyway, it was a long way and I thought I'd be safer if I teamed up with a group of dwarves I met along the way. We stopped in a pub for the night but these nasty looking men on horses came looking for us so I put the ring on and then felt really strange. Anyway I made it to Mordor in the end and had the ring smelted down...and that darling, is what really happened."

"Clive, that's the plot of Lord of the Rings by JRR Tolkien - where have you really been?"

"Trying to fill a bath with my own cum"

 

[Funtboy]

From the animated TV series MonkeyDust - best not watched if you're easily offended. (It'll never be shown on TV again apparently)

Shock value is everything...

Middle-aged man walks into his flat, his wife asks...

"You've been gone 3 days, where have you been Clive?"

"Oh, er I forgot to mention it but the other day at work an old friend came along to say hi and asked if I could take his gold ring to the smelters to get it melted down. Anyway, it was a long way and I thought I'd be safer if I teamed up with a group of dwarves I met along the way. We stopped in a pub for the night but these nasty looking men on horses came looking for us so I put the ring on and then felt really strange. Anyway I made it to Mordor in the end and had the ring smelted down...and that darling, is what really happened."

"Clive, that's the plot of Lord of the Rings by JRR Tolkien - where have you really been?"

"Trying to fill a bath with my own cum"

So wrong but so funny.

 

[jay]

So wrong but so funny.

Mate there's loads of them as well, a different themed excuse (Captain Scott, The Eagles - Hotel California for example) and a different depraved one liner each time!

Stick Clive - Monkeydust into youtube...

 

[Allda Pies]

If at first you don't succeed, don't take up skydiving !!

 

[BigSid]

Can't remember who said it or when I heard it.

"As fast as a herd of turtles stampeding through peanut butter."

Maybe when I was out riding?