Comedy one liners that stick.

[cisamcgu]

Guest : "Would you please stop talking about the War?"
Fawlty : "Me?? You started it!"
Guest : "We did not start it!"
Fawlty : "Yes you did, you invaded Poland!."

 

[Crankarm]

From "Rising Damp"

A lady in a pub says, "I have never been so insulted in all my life"

To which the Leonard Rossiter character replies, "You should get out more".

LoL

 

[dan_bo]

.....so far forfar four east fife five..... the two ronnies. Brilliant.

 

[ACS]

For our scots members 'Set phasers tae malky' Taysiders in Space

 

[Crankarm]

• "Now here's another fine mess you've got us into..."
• "You stupid boy."
• "Magna Carta, did she die in vain?"
• "You are awful, but I like you."
• "Basil!"
• "My wife can make toast from 10 paces"
• "Don't mention the war. Think I got away with it Major"
• "1,2,3,4 make them sweat outside the door; 5,6,7,8 always pays to make them wait. Come!"
• "Lubblyjubbly"
• "Don't panic!"
• "Oooh.....Betty!"
• "And now for something completely different."
• "Don't let the baskets grind you down."

Doctor: "You mean you exchanged your baby for a Westlife cd?!
Vicky P: " Yes, I know, Westlife are crap as well...."


In the end, it's not the years in your life that count but the life in your years - Abraham Lincoln.

 

[stephec]

But these Fokkers were Messershmitts

If you're quoting the 'legendary' Stan Boardman shouldn't it be -

Nein, dis fokker vast in der schpitfire.


I hate them germans, they bombed our chippy.

 

[stephec]

You can't beat Bungdit Din dismissing a tanned Cardew Robinson with the immortal line...


Fakir, Off!

Quality film, the best carry on with plenty of top quotes in it.

How about -

Kenneth Williams as the Khazi talking about the governor Sid James when the Khazis' invading the governors house, "look at them, nothing we do rouses them, but put the tea in the cup before the milk and they go beserk!"

Roy Castle, "her ladyship is enamoured of the Khazi sir, we could mount a rescue mission, it will be risky, we might even get her ladyship back for you."

Sid James, "well that's a chance I'll just have to take."

 

[Crankarm]

"You too vill go on zee... list! Vot is your name?"
"Don't tell him Pike!"



"Your only supposed to BLOW THE BLOODY DOORS OFF!"

.

 

[Rhythm Thief]

"I'm just off to see man... about a dog..... who........wants to go to the toilet." - the terminally confused Count Arthur Strong

Brilliant! Along with: "... and I think I speak for myself here".

 

[Rhythm Thief]

The entire script of Withnail & I.

But otherwise.....

"You will not use the word party as a verb in this shop!"
"I do sell a lot of w*nk"
"You're an idiot with a beard attached"
"I ate your bees"
"You're a filth wizard. Friend only to the pig and the rat"
"Right now I'm eating scrambled eggs, with a comb, from a shoe!"
"I'm a giant ear... waiting for your songs of... niceness"

No prize for guessing the source of these quotes. But if you haven't seen it, you should.

Are those from the very wonderful "Black Books"? I like:

"Excuse me, do you realise I'm inhaling the smoke from your cigarette?"
"yes, don't worry about it. Just buy me a pint one day."

Or something like that.

 

[Lardyboy]

For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier... I put them in the same room and let them fight it out.

I had some glasses. I was walking down the street when suddenly the prescription ran out.

I have an existential map. It has 'You are here' written all over it.

I like to reminisce with people I don't know.

I went to a restaurant that serves "breakfast at any time". So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.

If a word in the dictionary were misspelled, how would we know?

If you are in a spaceship that is traveling at the speed of light, and you turn on the headlights, does anything happen?

It doesn't make a difference what temperature a room is, it's always room temperature.

There's a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.

 

[rich p]

For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier... I put them in the same room and let them fight it out.

I had some glasses. I was walking down the street when suddenly the prescription ran out.

I have an existential map. It has 'You are here' written all over it.

I like to reminisce with people I don't know.

I went to a restaurant that serves "breakfast at any time". So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.

If a word in the dictionary were misspelled, how would we know?

If you are in a spaceship that is traveling at the speed of light, and you turn on the headlights, does anything happen?

It doesn't make a difference what temperature a room is, it's always room temperature.

There's a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.

Good ones. Attribution?

 

[Hover Fly]

• "Now here's another fine mess you've got us into..."

• 
  
  "Another Fine Mess" was the title of a film.
  
  Ollie's line to Stan, (in 14 different films) was:
  "Well, here's another nice mess you've gotten me into."

 

[red_tom]

Good ones. Attribution?

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Steven_Wright

 

[goo_mason]

Brilliant! Along with: "... and I think I speak for myself here".

And "Ah-haaahhh !! Got you there !", or some of my other faves:

"You see, my mother sent me to electrocution lessons, so I could learn to talk with someone's plums in my mouth."

"What rare delicacy shall I partake of for my breakfast at Gerry's this morning ? Full English? I wonder if they do a full French or a full Norwegian or something ? I've never heard anyone saying that. Um... they DO do a full Brazilian. I know that, because some woman on our estate's had one of those... yeah yeah. It's common knowledge is that."

"Come in again, and this time I want you rimming with confidence.............a little trick, if it helps, is to imagine me with no clothes on."