Give me some dialogue from your day

[MossCommuter]

Woman on bus: she's trying for a baby but she's having that HIV or whatever it is
Man on bus:
WoB: what's it called? Y'know, that HIV... oh! no! that's it... she's having that IVF

 

[Profpointy]

"Mike, the rat is back in the ceiling".

I know it's wrong of me but that did make me laugh !

 

[Lavender Rose]

Me: 'Was Barry White deaf or blind?'
Work mate: 'I am pretty sure he was neither'
Me: 'nah, he was definitely one or the other'
Work mate: 'Same as you thought Picasso cut his ear off?'
Me: 'HE DID THOUGH'

 

[MikeG]

I know it's wrong of me but that did make me laugh !

You really wouldn't have laughed if you'd suffered like we suffered. We're not suffering now.

 

[Angus McCoatup]

This delivered in a scouse accent, around a discussion on dear old Lance. "There's something about that name Armstrong. They are all lying gets. That Neil, always reckoned he went to the moon, but he never".

 

[ColinJ]

Doctor: So, you have a suspicious mole?

ColinJ: Yes - every time I get home it accuses me of having been out to some or other hot spot! ***





*** Okay - I didn't say it, but I was sorely tempted to!

 

[Speicher]

It's probably easier to use a phone rather than the tv remote control, if you want to make a telephone call.

 

[ColinJ]

It's probably easier to use a phone rather than the tv remote control, if you want to make a telephone call.

Ha ha!

As for remote control problems ...

Friend: I can't change the channel on the TV!

ColinJ: Yes, we are watching a channel on the TV, but you can't use the TV remote control to change the channel! I have explained it to you before, but to recap ... I do not have a TV aerial so I can't use the Freeview tuner in the TV. That is what is controlled by the TV remote control. I have a satellite dish which feeds a signal to the white Freesat box under the TV, which is what we are using to supply the channel that we are watching. So, you need to use the Freesat remote control to change channels. And before you tell me ...

Friend: That isn't working either - it still won't change channels!

ColinJ: And before you tell me that the Freesat control isn't working either ...!

ColinJ: I have explained this before as well ... The Freesat remote control can also act as the TV remote control, the one that doesn't work to change channels! It can be a Freesat control OR a TV control and you have it set to be the one that you want before using it. It is currently acting as a TV control, but you need to make it work as a Freesat control.

Friend: How do you know that is acting as a TV control then?

ColinJ: (A) Because it isn't changing the Freesat channel! (B) Because the TV button on the control is flashing every time that you press any other button. If you had it set to control the Freesat box instead, the other button would flash.

Friend: So, which button do I press to make it work the Freesat box then?

ColinJ: TV control is selected by the button marked 'TV', and Freesat control is selected by the button marked, er, 'STB' ...

Friend: How the f...

ColinJ: I know, it is not exactly obvious! STB is supposed to be an abbreviation for Set-Top Box but since the box is actually UNDER the TV set, it might be better to think of it as being short for Satellite TV Box!

[Pause, mutter, fumble, fiddle, point, refumble, refiddle and ....]

Friend: Yay - it worked!

ColinJ: Oh no, not Come Dine With Me again!

 

[siadwell]

Wife (reading something on Facebook): It says here your spy name is your middle name plus the last thing you ate!
Me: Russell Bogey?

 

[Chromatic]

It's probably easier to use a phone rather than the tv remote control, if you want to make a telephone call.

An Englishman was admitted to hospital with two burnt ears
'What happened?' asked the examining doctor
'Well, the telephone rang whilst I was ironing' Giles, for it was he, replied
'I see' said the doctor, 'so how did you burn the other ear?'
'Calling for the ambulance' said Giles

 

[gbb]

An Englishman was admitted to hospital with two burnt ears
'What happened?' asked the examining doctor
'Well, the telephone rang whilst I was ironing' Giles, for it was he, replied
'I see' said the doctor, 'so how did you burn the other ear?'
'Calling for the ambulance' said Giles

 

[gbb]

Me to my colleague...
'Well, it's proper busted now '

Lorry docking bay door wouldnt work, just moved an inch and alarmed. We fitted the programmer and attempted to set the upper and lower limits on the door. Something went bang and a bolt flew off from somewhere.
Oh....the wire rope on one side was sooooo taught, it had nearly pulled the top pulley off the wall. It's all bent now.

'Oh well, maybe they should have given us proper training on it...that's what happens sometimes, you have a go....and get it wrong'

 

[ColinJ]

Me to my colleague...
'Well, it's proper busted now '

Lorry docking bay door wouldnt work, just moved an inch and alarmed. We fitted the programmer and attempted to set the upper and lower limits on the door. Something went bang and a bolt flew off from somewhere.
Oh....the wire rope on one side was sooooo taught, it had nearly pulled the top pulley off the wall. It's all bent now.

'Oh well, maybe they should have given us proper training on it...that's what happens sometimes, you have a go....and get it wrong'

That reminds me of a conversation that I had with a programmer 20-odd years ago. Someone he knew had programmed the PLCs controlling some big hoists in a carpet factory. The factory was about to be opened but the bosses wanted a demo of the machinery in operation first. All was going well, until a massive roll of carpet was to be lifted up by hoist which ran along a track in the roof of the building. Up it went, and then it started its journey towards the other end of the track. As it neared its destination, instead of gracefully slowing to a stop, it began a manic acceleration which culminated in the carpet roll hitting the gable end and demolishing it!

TBH, I don't know what actually happened next, but I like to think of the bosses standing there dumbstruck, while the programmer standing behind them mutters "Well, THAT was not supposed to happen!"

 

[NorthernDave]

Ha ha!

As for remote control problems ...

Friend: I can't change the channel on the TV!

ColinJ: Yes, we are watching a channel on the TV, but you can't use the TV remote control to change the channel! I have explained it to you before, but to recap ... I do not have a TV aerial so I can't use the Freeview tuner in the TV. That is what is controlled by the TV remote control. I have a satellite dish which feeds a signal to the white Freesat box under the TV, which is what we are using to supply the channel that we are watching. So, you need to use the Freesat remote control to change channels. And before you tell me ...

Friend: That isn't working either - it still won't change channels!

ColinJ: And before you tell me that the Freesat control isn't working either ...!

ColinJ: I have explained this before as well ... The Freesat remote control can also act as the TV remote control, the one that doesn't work to change channels! It can be a Freesat control OR a TV control and you have it set to be the one that you want before using it. It is currently acting as a TV control, but you need to make it work as a Freesat control.

Friend: How do you know that is acting as a TV control then?

ColinJ: (A) Because it isn't changing the Freesat channel! (B) Because the TV button on the control is flashing every time that you press any other button. If you had it set to control the Freesat box instead, the other button would flash.

Friend: So, which button do I press to make it work the Freesat box then?

ColinJ: TV control is selected by the button marked 'TV', and Freesat control is selected by the button marked, er, 'STB' ...

Friend: How the f...

ColinJ: I know, it is not exactly obvious! STB is supposed to be an abbreviation for Set-Top Box but since the box is actually UNDER the TV set, it might be better to think of it as being short for Satellite TV Box!

[Pause, mutter, fumble, fiddle, point, refumble, refiddle and ....]

Friend: Yay - it worked!

ColinJ: Oh no, not Come Dine With Me again!

Blimey, I hope after all that they selected the channel in HD...

 

[Ming the Merciless]

Delivery, yes please (bike bits)