oldfatfool
Guru
As an apprentice one of the workforce once called me a great pillock or some such, i replied that some are born great whilst others just have it thrust upon them.
The one time in your life when you find the right retort...
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Alan Frame
Gnu
- Location
- Lost In Space
[QUOTE 5011944, member: 45"]I once spent a week driving a school bus in the Black Country. The escort referred to me as "boot".[/QUOTE]
He was probably referring to you as "beaut", as opposed to boot.
He was probably referring to you as "beaut", as opposed to boot.
DaveReading
Don't suffer fools gladly (must try harder!)
- Location
- Reading, obvs
I used to think that, too, but it comes in quite handy when in you're France.
jefmcg
Guru
No, they all speak English, they're just pretending.
jefmcg
Guru
I once cycled on 16 inch wheels through Covent Garden, and a busker bought me into his act by asking: 'When are you going to get a real bike?'
I shot back with "when you get a real theatre"
I shot back with "when you get a real theatre"
petek
Über Member
- Location
- East Coast UK
Not me, Rod Liddle in one of the weekend papers talking about Scots ban on parents smacking kids.
Schoolboy Rod summoned to head's study for a caning.
Head . "Bend over Liddle."
Liddle. "But sir we hardly know each other."
Schoolboy Rod summoned to head's study for a caning.
Head . "Bend over Liddle."
Liddle. "But sir we hardly know each other."
Best retort I've ever heard was not by me, but about me and I wasn't even there!
I was a lazy sod at school, and easily distracted. At one parent: teacher feedback session my mother was valiantly defending me, suggesting that I'd just got into 'bad company' at the school. Without missing a beat, the teacher responded "Slowwww's in bad company when he's on his own".
Brilliant, but God I got a pasting that night!!
I was a lazy sod at school, and easily distracted. At one parent: teacher feedback session my mother was valiantly defending me, suggesting that I'd just got into 'bad company' at the school. Without missing a beat, the teacher responded "Slowwww's in bad company when he's on his own".
Brilliant, but God I got a pasting that night!!
I had some American colleagues over that I had to entertain for a weekend - 
Took them to all the local sights, decent pubs etc and it did not matter what or where I took them everything was 'bigger in America' . Becomes tiresome after a while.
It was Sunday night dinner I finally snapped when one commented on the steak and how small it was and 'how much bigger they can get them at home' I said 'well yea everything you eat in america has to be bigger, you've all got big mouths'
Took them to all the local sights, decent pubs etc and it did not matter what or where I took them everything was 'bigger in America' . Becomes tiresome after a while.
It was Sunday night dinner I finally snapped when one commented on the steak and how small it was and 'how much bigger they can get them at home' I said 'well yea everything you eat in america has to be bigger, you've all got big mouths'
Mr Celine
Discordian
- Location
- Waxing my moustache
Benefits Agency circa 2000. I was working in the appeals section and had a particularly obnoxious and irate South African on the phone. He had a UK passport through some distant relative, had recently arrived in the UK for the first time ever at age 50 and was demanding to know why he wasn't immediately entitled to any benefits. After I explained why not several times he shouted down the phone "You wouldn't treat me like this if I was bleck".
My immediate retort was "How do I know you aren't?"
The phone went silent for about ten seconds then he hung up.
My immediate retort was "How do I know you aren't?"
The phone went silent for about ten seconds then he hung up.
Profpointy
Legendary Member
Not a retort but a put down. Our A level chemistry teacher in utter exasperation announcing "Jonathan, you're just a waste of chemicals!" He was quite a bright lad to be fair, but by that point had almost dropped out of chemistry. The lady wasn't being nasty, and was an excellent teacher, but just frustrated with him.
Levo-Lon
Guru
While waiting at the lights as a 16 yr old school boy on my Raleigh Racer ,"happy days".
These lads in a Dolomite Sprint drew along side ,i was turning right.
The driver looked at me and said "i want to shag you" !!
I looked at his car and replied " you couldn't afford me luv"
His mates cracked up as did i..
These lads in a Dolomite Sprint drew along side ,i was turning right.
The driver looked at me and said "i want to shag you" !!
I looked at his car and replied " you couldn't afford me luv"
His mates cracked up as did i..
Slick
Guru
I was always a bit of a fan of some of Winston Churchill quotes, so years back when some smart arsed manager thought he owned my ass I deployed one of his best retorts with some skill.
Can't quite remember what exactly we were arguing over, but I do remember he was definitely arsy about it. He threatened me with some kind of sanction and as was fairly common on a building site at the time, I threatened to stick one on his chin. He informed me of his intention to sack me should I pursue my intended course of action, to which I replied, "I'll have a new job in the morning, but you'll still have a sore jaw". He thought about it for a few seconds and left, never trying to bully me again.
Can't quite remember what exactly we were arguing over, but I do remember he was definitely arsy about it. He threatened me with some kind of sanction and as was fairly common on a building site at the time, I threatened to stick one on his chin. He informed me of his intention to sack me should I pursue my intended course of action, to which I replied, "I'll have a new job in the morning, but you'll still have a sore jaw". He thought about it for a few seconds and left, never trying to bully me again.
Jenkins
Legendary Member
- Location
- Felixstowe
Was having a disagreement with an importer about the tariff classification of shoes I'd examined - he insisted they were leather (lower duty) when they were clearly plastic to which my comment to him was "the closest those shoes have been to leather is when a cow walked past the factory they were made in". He paid up.
MrPie
Telling it like it is since 1971
- Location
- Perth, Australia
.....especially if there is money involved!
Spent some time in Azerbaijan (2001 ish) and they have a wonderfully lazy Russian saying: mozshet beet pozelavtra......maybe the day after tomorrow, I.e. ain’t ever gonna happen.
Deafie
Guru
- Location
- So good they named it twice
A good few summers ago I was riding home from somewhere, struggling up a gentle incline while enjoying a mild asthma attack, when a filthy toothless crow of a man on a rusty piece of crap bike with the seat too low and plastic bags hanging off of every bit of it rode past me and said "I been riding all day long an I can still kick your ass!" To which I managed " Your not a complete loser then!" Only said over the course of three breaths it didn't have quite the desired impact.
