True Facts About Ross Kemp

[Drago]

Ross Kemp founded the SAS and SBS, and in turn left each regiment when they became, in his words, "a bunch of hand holding ponces."

Hes currently in negotiations with a high street furniture retailer for the use of the name SCS.

 

[Dogtrousers]

Ross Kemp is rumoured to be considering a change of image. He thinks the leather jacket looks is getting a bit tired. He's thinking maybe a mauve fedora, an orange Zoot suit, something like that. Perhaps a swordstick. He's said to be on the lookout for a fashion adviser. But no Carnaby Street ponces. He's thinking of maybe someone from the North ...

 

[Drago]

Ross Kemp is rumoured to be considering a change of image. He thinks the leather jacket looks is getting a bit tired. He's thinking maybe a mauve fedora, an orange Zoot suit, something like that. Perhaps a swordstick. He's said to be on the lookout for a fashion adviser. But no Carnaby Street ponces. He's thinking of maybe someone from the North ...

But not  that far north. Perhaps somewhere around Accrington...?

 

[PeteXXX]

Ross Kemp refused to allow Madame Taussauds waxwork model to be displayed as he thought it looked more like Uncle Fester.

 

[accountantpete]

In Episode 1 of Ross Kemp's hilarious Dad's Army re-boot, the platoon from Warmingham practice waterboarding on The Verger.

 

[Ming the Merciless]

Ross Kemp always walks 500 miles home for Christmas. He listens to the Proclaimers whilst doing so.

 

[DRM]

Ross Kemp has agreed to star in a new remake of the Cliff Richard Classic "Summer Holiday" playing the part made famous by Sir Cliff, however the film has been brought forward to modern times, where friends, & fellow bus mechanics, Ross, Steve McFadden, Tom Hardy & Danny Dyer, convert a London bus into a mobile home, and drive it to Afghanistan, where the give the Taliban "a good slap" meet some girls on the way, and generally have a proper Cockney Knees up, singing the title song "We're all going on a f....in' Summer Holiday" it is set for release mid 2026

 

[Drago]

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Ross Kemp has agreed to star in a new remake of the Cliff Richard Classic "Summer Holiday" playing the part made famous by Sir Cliff, however the film has been brought forward to modern times, where friends, & fellow bus mechanics, Ross, Steve McFadden, Tom Hardy & Danny Dyer, convert a London bus into a mobile home, and drive it to Afghanistan, where the give the Taliban "a good slap" meet some girls on the way, and generally have a proper Cockney Knees up, singing the title song "We're all going on a f....in' Summer Holiday" it is set for release mid 2026

Id pay to see that!

 

[Drago]

The Voyager space probes carry the engraving showing 2 naked human beings. Look closely you can see the male is actually Ross Kemp, complete with the faint outlin of a leather jacket. The female is his Mum, Barbara Windsor. The map on the plaque leads to the Queen vice pub, and the scientific code is a set of mathematic equations for 4 oints of lager and 2 packets of peanuts.

 

[Dogtrousers]

Queen vice pub

Nice typo

 

[Drago]

Tesla shareholders are regretting replacing Musk with Ross Kemp.

There are serious doubts that the reintroduced mk2 Capri Ghia 2.0 will be a sales hit, although the vinyl roof is expected to sell well as an option for middle aged men who want to hide reflections of their double chin.

There's also a 1.3L version for "ponces".

 

[accountantpete]

Ross Kemp is suing Kelloggs for copyright infringement over their "Special K" breakfast cereal.

 

[DRM]

https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/articles/cvgmkm8516ko
In the latest news from Buckingham Palace, King Charles has officially stripped his pain in the backside of a brother of all his titles, HRH & Prince, Ross Kemp was the bailiff Charlie sent round to collect everything!

 

[Drago]

When speaking to the King, Ross Kemp now refers to Andrew Mountbatten Windsor as, "the ponce, not the one that couldn't hack the marines, the creepy one."

 

[Ming the Merciless]

When meeting the king, Ross refers to him as “Mi Ol’ Mucker”. Charles and Ross goes years back, after he helped the then prince out with a “minor problem”. Since then they have been regular drinking partners, with late night games of dominoes down the Queen Vice.