True Facts About Ross Kemp

[Drago]

Thr Queen Vice amusingly earned its name when the then Prince Charles took time out from crashing RAF aircraft to pop in for a swift half of Churchills and a game of arrows.

His old "brother from another mother" Ross Kemp was caught unawares and had no time to hide the evidence of the knocking shop he was running from out back. The Prince, urbane to the last, humorously renamed the pub the Queen Vice.

 

[DRM]

The Queen Vice has long been a house of ill repute, researchers have found an early documentary about life in the East End, filmed in Albert Square, with a scene shot one Saturday night actually in the Queen Vice (seen at 1' 32") of a genuine cockney knees up! starring Ross Kemp's Great Grandparents

View: https://youtu.be/tQWPR9TM0Gk

 

[Mad Doug Biker]

Ross Kemp doesn't lift weights, the ground lowers for him.

 

[Drago]

Ross Kemp supervised Robert Oppenheimer during the development of the A bomb, insisting it be "proper hard" to show those "poncey" French who was boss.

 

[DRM]

https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/videos/ced65d0gl2eo
Ross Kemp has always fancied being a long distance lorry driver, and has recently passed his HGV driving test, however his first run into Europe ended in disaster, when his truck tried crossing a railway level crossing, and he became distracted when his Yorkie Bar bounced off the dash, whilst scrabbling about trying to find it, and driving backwards & forwards to dislodge it from under the seat, a train, hurtling down the track smashed up his truck, & his new career, he is now back at home in the Queen Vice, considering his options.

 

[Drago]

Alfie Moon is the illegitimate son of Ross Kemp and Ian Beale.

He was born in the Queen Vice, which makes him a true cockney (to be born a cockney one must be born within earshot of Ross Kemp grunting as he tries to do one armed press ups on the bar to impress Sharon.)

 

[DRM]

https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/videos/crre8g5e45jo
Meanwhile in other news, Ross Kemp's newly built AI Robot, was successfully demonstrated in Russia, especially as it was modeled on the time Steve McFadden got absolutely plastered during the last Queen Vice lock in, Ross Kemp is now looking at programming one to be an HGV driver, as he thinks it can't be any worse than he is at it.

 

[Ming the Merciless]

Ross is currently in his underpants; out in Storm Claudia shouting “Call this rain you poncy storm?”

 

[Drago]

Oswald Mosley is Ross Kemps real father. This explains Kemps fondness for leather jackets and vintage Mercedes convertibles.

 

[accountantpete]

Ross Kemp pays the BBC to splice together clips of his speeches.

 

[Mad Doug Biker]

Ross Kemp has the contract to rebuild the East Wing once that idiot Trump has left.

He cannot stand the thought of it being a poncey ballroom for nonces.

 

[Drago]

WWI started when Ross Kemp shot Archduke Franz Ferdinand as part of a gangland hit.

Following the shooting Kemp turned to onlookers and froze, while the EastEnders doof doofs filled the air.

 

[Mad Doug Biker]

The only reason why the universe is expanding is because it's scared of Ross Kemp and keeps trying to get away.

 

[Drago]

Neil Armstrong was good friends with Ross Kemp.

During the Apollo 11 mission Armstrong discreetly deposited two sawn off shotguns on the moon at Kemp's request, thus keeping them out of the hands of the authorities.

To show his gratitude Kemp wrote for Armstrong the "one small step" speech, although Armstong edited it slightly out of concern that "one small step for a real man, one almighty great punch in the nuts for a ponce" might not go down well with the NASA management.

 

[Ming the Merciless]

Ross was due to go to the moon with Neil. But he turned it down when he heard he’d not be able to wear his leather jacket and would need to put a “poncy goldfish bowl” on his head.