True Facts About Ross Kemp

[Drago]

The film Smokey and the Bandit was loosely based on an incident where Ross Kemp in a Jag XJ6 full of hookey duty-free for the Queen Vice was pursued along the M2 by PCSO Justin T. Bumfart of Kent Police.

Kemp was particularly pleased with the casting of Burt Reynolds as Ross "Bandit" Kemp, declaring Reynolds as the only actor that came remotely close to the real thing for tough guy sex appeal.

 

[DRM]

Ross Kemp is set to do a remake of the WW2 film, Saving Private Ryan, but with a British twist after storming the D-Day beaches, and head butting 47 German Soldiers to death, he makes his way into Normandy with the rest of C Company of The Kings Own East End Hooligan Regiment, where he manages to throw rocks at several Messerscmitt's, downing the lot, then taking on a Tiger Tank & placing an high explosive shell into the gun and blowing down the end, like a huge pea shooter, sending the shell into the tank, he then manages to see a bullet fired towards Private Ryan's groin, pulling Private Ryan out of the way, he goes to the sniper and inserts his rifle, where the sun never shines, hence to avoid copyright issues, the new film is to be called "Saving Ryan's Privates" & is set for release in September 2026

 

[Drago]

In the forthcoming Dambusters remake it is rumoured that Ross Kemp demolishes the Mohne dam with a well placed headbutt.

It is hoped the remake will be better received than Ross Kemp's previous flop, Inglourious Ponces. Beating Hitler to death with a pool cue for spilling Kemp's drink was considered by Barry Norman as too far fetched.

 

[DRM]

In the forthcoming Dambusters remake it is rumoured that Ross Kemp demolishes the Mohne dam with a well placed headbutt.

It is hoped the remake will be better received than Ross Kemp's previous flop, Inglourious Ponces. Beating Hitler to death with a pool cue for spilling Kemp's drink was considered by Barry Norman as too far fetched.

It finishes with Ross Kemp seen doing the back stroke around Dortmund's Market Square!

 

[Drago]

Another straight to DVD Ross Kemp film is 69 Squadron, which Kemp, Danny Dyer, Paddy Considine and Tom Hardy play WWII Mosquito pilots on leave in the red light district of Amsterdam.

The Bridge on the River Thames was so bad it never made it from VHS, although Ross Kemp whistling the Colonel Bogey march alone makes it worth the 49p RRP.

 

[stephec]

Ross Kemp once came second in a Britain's Sexiest Baldman competition, the winner was Terry Wogan.

 

[Drago]

When Rod Hull and Emu appeared on the Ross Kemp chat show then unruly bird pooped on Hull's arm when asked to attack the East End tough nut.

 

[Drago]

When Ross Kemp asked Rod Hull to drop in when he was next in the area he didnt expect to be taken literally.

 

[midlandsgrimpeur]

On a festive note, a young Ross Kemp was actually once called upon by Santa to pull his sleigh around the world after all nine reindeer were taken ill one Christmas Eve. Kemp was so quick to circumnavigate the globe he even made it back in time to appear in that year's special live Eastenders Xmas day broadcast where by strange coincidence, a festive story line saw Kemp dress up as Santa, whilst Barbara Windsor played his favourite reindeer, Rudolph.

 

[Drago]

Ross Kemp is banned from Screw-Fix after mistaking it for a dating agency and trying to book half a dozen French maids.

 

[PeteXXX]

Ross Kemp, embarrassingly, got the wrong idea when Sharon asked him if he'd like to stuff the turkey!

 

[Drago]

Christmas day at the Ross Kemp household. Traditionally someone is murdered in the Queen Vice on this day each year.

 

[Drago]

The latest spin off of the long running crime drama is to be called CSI:Ross Kemp.

The team fly around the East End on buses investigating murders where the victim has been headbutted by a well built bald man in a leather jacket.

 

[Dogtrousers]

Ross kemp received the results of his DNA test. Mostly unsurprising, but with a twist. According to his DNA profile he is 99% granite and 1% ponce.

 

[Drago]

Ross Kemp regards Andrex as "poncey" and refuses to have it in when Queen Vice.

Instead the crappers have hanging next to them a sheet of 100 grit sandpaper.