True Facts About Ross Kemp

[DRM]

Ross Kemp is the official mascot of the SAS, when they parade he is seen at the front on a chain wearing a special leather jacket with the regiments badge and motto, his handler has to bull the jacket to a high glass like sheen, as well as Ross' bonce

 

[accountantpete]

It is thought that Lemmings copied their habit of leaping off cliffs from watching Ross Kemp training.

 

[Drago]

The SBS is where Ross Kemp sends SAS candidates who have a full head of hair.

 

[accountantpete]

Ross Kemp's barber has to sign the Official Secrets Act for each appointment

 

[Drago]

Ross Kemp's tailor abseils down the front of Kemp's house and smashes through the living room window with a flash-bang whenever the great man is due for a leather jacket fitting. This rarely distracts Kemp from watching Countdown.

 

[Drago]

Ross Kemp can trace his family tree back as far as 1978.

 

[raleighnut]

Ross Kemp can trace his family tree back toast far as 1978.

Ross Kemp's family tree is a Weeping Willow, he stands under it to pretend to have hair.

 

[DRM]

Ross Kemp had a temporary job in a scrap yard glaring at scrap cars & punching them until they became a box of metal measuring 1 meter x 1 meter, to help them out until the hydraulic crusher was repaired

 

[Drago]

Ross Kemp's enemies find that their blows glance harmlessly off the East End hard man's shiny head, making him invulnerable to attack.

 

[Drago]

Following a recent incident where a member of the public was slightly injured, the court has ordered Ross Kemp to walk Steve McFadden with a muzzle.

 

[Drago]

A percentage of the tv licence fee goes to Ross Kemp as protection money. Every time they miss a payment Kemp outs another pervert.

 

[Dogtrousers]

Ross Kemp is to be the new face of international snooker. Quite literally.

In a deal negotiated by Ian Beale, the TV coverage of the snooker will be AI-manipulated so that all of the balls appear as little Ross Kemp heads. Whenever the cue ball hits another ball it will shout "'ave it!" and whenever a ball disappears down a pocket it will shout "get in!".

 

[Drago]

Ross Kemp forces Ian Beale to give him a foot massage.

 

[Drago]

Ross Kemp is about to launch a new range of JML branded Ian Beale themed toilet brushes.

 

[Moon bunny]

And moths

Au contraire! He has a large Lepidopterarium, where he keeps 3000 different species, including a breeding colony of Atlas moths, along with many other large Asian species, being in the enclosure with them at dusk, with his prized Luna moths flying, is simply magical.