Uncle Drago's agony column

Discussion in 'CycleChat Cafe' started by Drago, 10 Nov 2018.

  1. classic33

    classic33 Legendary Member

    Don't be cruel
     
  2. classic33

    classic33 Legendary Member

    Dear Mr T

    I gave a letter to the postman, he put it his sack Bright an early next morning, he brought my letter back

    She'd wrote upon it Return to sender, address unknown No such number, no such zone

    We had a quarrel, a lover's spat I write I'm sorry but my letter keeps coming back

    So then I dropped it in the mailbox and sent it special D Bright in early next morning it came right back to me

    She'd wrote upon it Return to sender, address unknown No such person, no such zone

    This time I'm gonna take it myself and put it right in her hand And if it comes back the very next day then I'll understand

    The writing on it Return to sender, address unknown No such number, no such zone

    Return to sender, return to sender Return to sender, return to sender

    Is this proof that the mail man and my girlfriend may be intending to do a runner. Wooden heart them to be honest about what they're planning. All I wanted was to love her tender(Her papa's big into fire trucks)

    Yours
    E.P.
     
    Arjimlad likes this.
  3. YukonBoy

    YukonBoy The Monch

    Location:
    Inside my skull
    As requested, returned to sender

    Royal Mail sorting office, Pendle Hill, Witches Country.
     
    Andy in Germany, Threevok and Drago like this.
  4. classic33

    classic33 Legendary Member

    Dear Mr T

    I am Helena, a young Athenian woman who is in love with Demetrius, a man I have a history with. However, Demetrius is in love with my friend Hermia and so scorns my affections towards him. I am envious of Hermia and the love Demetrius has for her and so I continue to pursue him, even following him into the forest. I have little self confidence and therefore when both Lysander and Demetrius show their affection for me, I believe they are just mocking me and I blame Hermia for this sudden change of circumstance. Fortunately, Lysander gets his senses back and I am left with the love of Demetrius which I have so long desired.

    Should I put aside these infractions and not pursue my true love. Even though he seems set to marry someone else, unaware of my love for him?

    Yours
    A. Greek
    Young & Besotted
     
    Andy in Germany likes this.
  5. OP
    OP
    Drago

    Drago Flouncing Nobber

    Location:
    Valhalla
    Say what, fool? A woman called hernia? I pity that fool.
     
    classic33 likes this.
  6. postman

    postman Legendary Member

    Location:
    Meanwood ,Leeds

    Dear Uncle Drago.I am being hounded by the tax office,after a member on here told the world he gave me a letter.The tax people have accused me of working again,i am now on an emergency tax code and it is costing me a fortune.Can i sue the poster for giving this false information.
     
    tyred, classic33 and Arjimlad like this.
  7. OP
    OP
    Drago

    Drago Flouncing Nobber

    Location:
    Valhalla
    Dear Postman,

    Fool! We know youre working, and I pity you for that. Invest your earnings in lashings kf heavyweight gold necklaces, then the revenue won't know.

    Regards,

    T.
     
    tyred, classic33 and Arjimlad like this.
  8. slow scot

    slow scot Senior Member

    Location:
    Aberdeen
    A mere "like" for this is not enough. Though a bit late may I say this is just hilarious.
     
  9. OP
    OP
    Drago

    Drago Flouncing Nobber

    Location:
    Valhalla
    I'm afraid Mr T has had to leave us to start filming his new film - Snickers, this time it's personal.

    However, in what I think is quite a coup, I've managed to blag a Mr A. Schwarzenegger to answer your letters.
     
    Threevok, classic33 and Arjimlad like this.
  10. classic33

    classic33 Legendary Member

    Dear Uncle Arnie

    I'm in a dilemma. I put the washing on and then discovered an odd sock that was meant to be in the load as well.
    Do I wash both socks, meaning sock #1 will be washed twice? Do I hang dirty sock #2 up and wear it twice? Should I wash sock #2 and leave sock #1 (This could be a kerfuffle).

    Yours in hope
    Diane, Leamington Spa
     
  11. OP
    OP
    Drago

    Drago Flouncing Nobber

    Location:
    Valhalla
    Dear scrawny weakling,

    Zis is indeed a problem. If I ver you I vould shout "get to the washing machine" until it did as it vas told.

    Heil, I mean yours faithfully.

    The Oak.
     
    classic33 likes this.
  12. classic33

    classic33 Legendary Member

    Dear Uncle Arnie

    Looking through my old pictures, I am getting more and more freaked out.

    It seems my very first bike was not at all the amazing red racing machine I "remember" but instead a blackish miniature farm gate with mudguards.

    Do you think this ruined my cycling career for ever? Do you think I could have been a "great" if I started off better?

    Do you think I am now trying to compensate for something?


    Yours in wanting
    Confused from Coventry
     
  13. Dave7

    Dave7 Guru

    Location:
    Cheshire
    Dear uncle Arnie.
    I really could do with your advice.
    I have fallen in love with a certain welsh woman (who I prefer not to name but will do if you insist).
    In order to impress her I have increased my body building exercises to 6 days a week.
    Now, my chest measures 35 inches, my biceps measure 12 inches and I can easily bench press 40 kilos.
    Do you think this is too much for a shy welsh lass to come to terms with. The last thing I want is to make her swoon over my manly physique.
    Yours
    Ivor Bigun
     
    classic33 likes this.
  14. OP
    OP
    Drago

    Drago Flouncing Nobber

    Location:
    Valhalla
    Listen to me, you weak and weedy piece of worthless Democrat rubbish,

    I had the same problem, so I cut the legs off of all my trousers. I'm not sure why I did so, but my career went from strength to strength following this. I suggest you do the same.

    President Schwarzenegger.
     
    classic33 likes this.
  15. tyred

    tyred Legendary Member

    Location:
    Ireland
    Dear Uncle Arnie,

    There is a colleague at work who keeps stealing my Jammie Dodgers from my desk when she thinks I'm not looking.

    How can I politely ask her to stop doing it?

    Yours faithfully,
    Roger
     
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