Uncle Drago's agony column

Discussion in 'CycleChat Cafe' started by Drago, 10 Nov 2018.

  1. OP
    OP
    Drago

    Drago Flouncing Nobber

    Location:
    Valhalla
    Dear puny theft victim,

    I find zat two sings solve all of life's problems. Shooting things, and if you cannot shoot them, then shout at zen instead.

    Having done so, you will then need to quickly follow it up with a wisecrack, such as "not so jammy now, a**hole."

    Regards,

    Major Dutch Schaeffer.
     
    Edwardoka and tyred like this.
  2. Yellow Fang

    Yellow Fang Guru

    Location:
    Reading
    Dear Uncle Drago,
    I feel as I grow older, I am becoming more curmudgeonly, cantankerous and intolerant. Is this something, ah wtf do you know, snowflake libtard.
     
  3. tyred

    tyred Legendary Member

    Location:
    Ireland
    Dear Uncle Arnie,

    How can I stop living in the past and look to the future instead. I really want to look to the forward instead of looking back


    Yesterday all my troubles seemed so far away.
    Now it looks as though they're here to stay.
    Oh, I believe in yesterday.

    Suddenly, I'm not half the man I used to be.
    There's a shadow hanging over me.
    Oh, yesterday came suddenly.

    Why she had to go?
    I don't know, she wouldn't say.
    I said something wrong.
    Now I long for yesterday.

    I know I need to move on from this after all these years but seem incapable of doing so - so Please, please Help Meeeeeee!

    Yours faithfully,
    Mr P. McCartney.
     
    classic33 and Drago like this.
  4. classic33

    classic33 Legendary Member

    Dear Roger

    Exlax is now available in powdered form. Could you not sprinkle some on your Jammie Dodgers. If questioned you could say you found they seemed to have an odd taste, but seemed okay.

    This last part will lead the thief into a false sense of security Espescially if you take one from the same packet in front of them.

    Yours
    Cheap and Cheerful
     
    tyred likes this.
  5. OP
    OP
    Drago

    Drago Flouncing Nobber

    Location:
    Valhalla
    Ah, Stallone, you crack me up!
     
    classic33 likes this.
  6. Edwardoka

    Edwardoka Facetious Remark Generator, Waffler

    Dear Uncle Arnie,

    My old computer is acting up but I can't spare the money necessary to buy a new operating system - I've tried reinstalling Windows XP but it is long since out of production, and besides Microsoft ended support for that version years ago.
    I know a Spanish fellow who collects versions - and while I'm clearly struggling badly to come up with a less contrived way of setting up this joke, do you know what I should ask him to get a more up-to-date version? The one before Windows 7 would suffice.
     
  7. OP
    OP
    Drago

    Drago Flouncing Nobber

    Location:
    Valhalla
    Good morning, weak, unfocused person,

    Windows has become a farce. I suggest you hold Bill Gates over a canyon until he agrees to revert to Windows 7, and then drop him to his death. You must then turn to the camera and with out a hint of irony you say, "I had to let gim go."

    Love,

    Ben Richards.
     
    classic33 and Edwardoka like this.
  8. postman

    postman Legendary Member

    Location:
    Meanwood ,Leeds
    Dear Mr A.
    Uncle Drago is taking a break,so i have decided to contact you.Like another poster earlier, I too was in love with a Welsh Actress.Her beautiful face the voice of an Angel.She just had to utter those famous three words Hi de Hi,and i was in dreamland.In the hope of impressing her i did a workout regime,but being skint i only had one barbell, well that is my story.so i have a stupidly large bulging right arm and a string like left arm.How can i improve the look of my left arm.Wot wiv yu being a Wurld Chanpin an all,i fought yu cud giv mi some tips.
     
  9. tyred

    tyred Legendary Member

    Location:
    Ireland
    My Dearest Mr. Arnold,

    I would appreciate your sincerest opinion and advice upon the troubles which affect my love-life at this time. I am torn betwixt two potential suitors.

    One is an ineffective coward who lacks any backbone and is actually an insufferable bore but his father is very rich and he shall inherit an enormous estate and a nice luxurious house. It would greatly improve my social standing should I marry my dear Edgar.

    The other an uneducated, ill-mannered devil but he is strong and good looking and I know in my heart that he loves me though he hasn't any assets to his name. The sex is also very good but I fear it would degrade my family name should I marry my dear Heathcliffe.

    Oh, which should I choose? Which should I choose? I shall look forward to your wise council.

    Yours faithfully,
    Miss C. Earnshaw,
    Wuthering Heights,
    Yorkshire.

    Post Script: On a slightly different matter, I also have some trouble with domestic staff as we have a servant who is bigoted, judgemental cur who likes to place curses on all members of the household. We also have a maid who is an interfering old busybody who is always trying to interfere in my private life and to read my letters and carry tales to others. How can I broach these delicate matters whilst still maintaining good working relations with my staff.
     
    Edwardoka, classic33 and postman like this.
  10. oldfatfool

    oldfatfool Veteran

    How much cash in the bank do I require to retire at 51
     
  11. OP
    OP
    Drago

    Drago Flouncing Nobber

    Location:
    Valhalla
    Do,what I did - marry the money.
     
    tyred and classic33 like this.
  12. OP
    OP
    Drago

    Drago Flouncing Nobber

    Location:
    Valhalla
    It depends what fuel comsumption you get from your Humvee.
     
  13. classic33

    classic33 Legendary Member

    On your second point, threaten to send any that don't do as you say to Lancashire.
     
    Drago and tyred like this.
  14. classic33

    classic33 Legendary Member

    Dear Uncle Arnie

    I joined the navy to see the world. I've seen it, now how do I get out?

    Yours
    A.B. Lesman
     
    lane likes this.
  15. roadrash

    roadrash cycle chatterer

    Dear mr smallishpecker, my company cyberdine systems is thinking of launching a product called Skynet, do you think it will be successful.

    yours..
    your twin
    mr D devito
     
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