Uncle Drago's agony column

[Drago]

Dear Uncle
I am bereft i have no followers,i have been reading about the tragic life of a poor failed page 3 woman.Her life is in turmoil.Yet thousands follow every bit of drivel she utters.Why oh why don't i have hundreds of thousands of followers why can't i be an influencer.I got a spell in my finger on Sunday while gardening helping out a neighbour,i had to get it out with a sewing needle.Surley my pain and discomfort should be seen by thousands.Where have i gone wrong.

Dear Pat,

The problem is you aren't 22, highly pneumatic, and keep your t shirt on. Us ugly people never get any followers, no matter how interestimg our ramblings.

 

[tyred]

Dear Uncle Drago,

I updated my Facebook status this morning at 8:07 to tell my friends that I had Cocoa Pops for breakfast and all this time later none of my friends has liked my post.
I feel that none of my friends care about me or pay attention to my wonderfully informative social media updates.
What can I do to be more popular?
Regards,

 

[Ming the Merciless]

Dear Uncle Drag,

I’m a 38 year old millennial and I think I’m turning into my dad. The gen x’s take the piss, and the gen z’s take the piss. I’m no longer the young cool radical pushing the boundaries and no one is listening. It’s getting depressing, what should I do?

Cheers

Ralph Fiennes.

 

[Dave7]

Dear uncle Drago.
In recent months I have developed a really itchy bum.....right inside my crack.
I find myself constantly poking and scratching, particularly when walking down the street.
I get a lot of strange looks.
Should I apply cream or should I simply try wearing trousers.
Many thanks.
Fluff bum.

 

[Profpointy]

I used to let my previous dog lick my plate. The then Mrs Accy used to say it was filthy,and looking back yes it was. I wouldn't do it now with my current dog. Though i do prepare his food in one of my dishes.

seems a bit picky. Every time I've seen a dog clean the plates, they've been spotless afterwards

 

[byegad]

Dear uncle Drago.
In recent months I have developed a really itchy bum.....right inside my crack.
I find myself constantly poking and scratching, particularly when walking down the street.
I get a lot of strange looks.
Should I apply cream or should I simply try wearing trousers.
Many thanks.
Fluff bum.

To avoid embarrassment at this difficult time I suggest that every time you get the urge to scratch all you need do, so nobody sees you do it, is shout.
'MY GOODNESS! MY ARSE IS INCREDIBLY ITCHY, I THINK I'LL SCRATCH IT!
At which point everybody will look away while you go at it.

 

[Accy cyclist]

Any soap or shampoo will work, just give the washing up a rinse afterwards.

Will dog shampoo do,as i don't have any hair.

seems a bit picky. Every time I've seen a dog clean the plates, they've been spotless afterwards

Yeah but would you lick that 'spotless' plate after the dog's cleaned it?

 

[Profpointy]

Will dog shampoo do,as i don't have any hair.

Yeah but would you lick that 'spotless' plate after the dog's cleaned it?

Obviously you have to let it dry as you don't want slobber on it.

As an aside, I was dared to do the dog-cleaning-the-plates gag when I first visited my future aister in law. As a guest you offer to do the washing up , the let their dog lick the plates and put them back in the cupboard - trying hard not to giggle as they look in horror. I didn't have the nerve - but it would have been a bit mean as she's a lovely lady and quite house proud and very keen on food hygiene, having worked in catering at one point

 

[Toshiba Boy]

Dear Uncle Drago
I continually come out in sweats, feeling nauseous, fast heartbeat, feeling of general dread, everytime I see our beloved Leader on the telly box..... No, not Chairman Cummings, but his puppet, that chubby, blubbering fool Johnson.
I've been to my GP (socially distanced, natch) who has diagnosed me with Coulrophobia.
I value your views as highly as the GP's (of course), and look forward to your pearls of wisdom in this regard.

Gibbering Wreck of West Zummerzet

 

[Drago]

Dear Gibbering Wreck,

You are Jermy Corbyn AICMFP.

Regards,

Drago.

 

[Toshiba Boy]

DearUncle Drago

I have been partaking in some social media intercourse today, with a friend of mine, who is also called Drago (I know it's a common name, but who'd have thunk).

Now, I'm somewhat concerned for our Drags, as his reply was, by his standard, very much on the limp wristed, wet, liberal end of his normal Genghis Kahn spectrum.

What am I to do? Perhaps a day trip to Barnard Castle for him, do you think you could see your way to that?

Comrade TB

 

[Yellow Fang]

Dear Uncle Drago,
I am thinking of coming out as an Incel, but I'm worried not even the LGTBQ community would accept me.

YF

 

[tyred]

Dear Uncle Drago,

I fear that I am addicted to cherry flavoured Hall's Soothers. I am on three packets per day and I cannot stop. I always need to carry a spare packet in my pocket and my first act each morning is to pop a Soother into my mouth before I can function.

If I try to stop I feel irritable and bad tempered.

How can I overcome this horrible addiction?

Yours faithfully,
Terry.

 

[Drago]

Dear Uncle Drago,
I am thinking of coming out as an Incel, but I'm worried not even the LGTBQ community would accept me.

YF

Accy, Ive told you to stop trying to monopolise my time.

 

[Drago]

Dear Uncle Drago,

I fear that I am addicted to cherry flavoured Hall's Soothers. I am on three packets per day and I cannot stop. I always need to carry a spare packet in my pocket and my first act each morning is to pop a Soother into my mouth before I can function.

If I try to stop I feel irritable and bad tempered.

How can I overcome this horrible addiction?

Yours faithfully,
Terry.

Dear Tezza,

Addiction is no laughing matter. In a case like yours id substitute the Soothers with crack cocaine. Its cheaper, and theres a vendor on every street corner.