Uncle Drago's agony column

[classic33]

Dear Auntie Drago
I think I'm going crackers because I'm hearing voices all the time and I can't seem to get any peace.

I go out to Strabucks and there are people talking - voices. I then go to the supermarket and hear people talking there also - more voices.

But the worst thing of all is I may be lying in bed at night and then get up and press a tumbler against my neighbours wall. I can frequently hear more voices and they are strangely muffled.

I don't know what to do. Can you please help me?

Love, Nellie.
C/o Trailer 47a,
Ocean View Trailer Park

 

[Drago]

Dear Welly,

I can indeed help. Send me the login details to your bank account and ill have something else to divert your attention.

 

[tyred]

Dear Uncle Drago,

That woman up the road is still speaking to me do I decided to give it another go. I decided to invite her around for dinner.

Rather than risk a repeat of the chocolate issue, I went back to the charity shop and bought a brown suit, so nothing could go wrong this time.

I went shopping for some goodies in preparation. No expense spared, I got a Fray Bentos steak and kidney and some Smash instant mash and to create a really good impression, I bought Heinz beans. I bought a packet of Angel's Delight and an Arctic Roll for afters. I also bought another few bottles of Yugoslavian wine from the guy with rusty HiAce van at the back of the market. I got a bottle of red and a bottle of white. Which is the best choice for going with a steak and kidney pie?

So, tonight's the night, she's due soon and I have the pie in the oven. I lost my tin opener but it was no trouble as I had a hammer and chisel in the toolbox.

I've hoovered the sitting room carpet and switched on both bars on my electric heater so it will be nice and warm for her. I have candles ready to create a nice soft atmosphere. I'm just wondering about my choice of LP. Should I go with Bing Crosby, Dire Straits or Andy Stewart?

Just in case it goes really well, I've put on my best y-fronts and ironed the sheets on my bed. I also got a packet of cheese and onion flavoured condoms.

Just before she arrives, have you any advice for me or is there anything I've forgotten? Should I impress her by showing her my Dandy Annual collection?

Yours faithfully,
Aubrey

 

[Drago]

Dear Audi,

Fray Bentos? Smash? Are you sure shes worth that sort of lavish expense?

I would suggest a bottle of white. While it came from the chaps vans radiator it should be reasonably free of organophosphates.

Music - a bit of Gilbert O'Sullivan with a splash of Leo Sayer and she'll be putty in your hands.

I wouldn't bother with themY fronts. It wastes extra seconds to remove them, and with your problem we dont want things ending prematurely.

 

[tyred]

My Dearest Drago,

Would it be possible that you could provide some kindly advice on how one might write a CV, and what one should put in it?

I find this job hunting a terrible bore, but one must do what is necessary after my brother bullied me into giving up my position in the family business, and also giving up my home. I find it most unfair.

Are you aware of any country that has a vacancy for new prince? I have a a lot of experience to bring to the role.

Yours faithfully,

Prince Andy

 

[Dave7]

Dear Uncle Drago.
I wonder if you could give me some advice from that resevoir you have.
Some weeks ago I decided to have a break from all this womanising and joined a monastery. It didn't last long......those monks were worse than any lustful woman.
So I telephoned that woman up the road. So glad I did as she assured me I am the only one for her.
So......I went to get my best thong, only to find it in the washing basket where it's been for 4 weeks. I shook some bits of mold off and thought the odor would give me a nice manly smell.
Once there I had to wait while she attire herself. While waiting I decided to polish my car and went looking for an old cloth, only to come across a pair of used y fronts with the name Aubrey on a label.
So.......my problem.
I used those y fronts but they have left terrible stains on my lovely paintwork. The more I rubbed the worse it got.
Can you suggest a foolproof way of restoring my beautiful car to its former glory.
Regards
Mr Todge.

 

[Dave7]

Dear Uncle Drago.
I know, at this time of year you must be very busy offering solutions to pathetic problems. Problems such as........
. The car slid down the drive and my husband has been trapped under it for 2 weeks now, what should I do ?
. My little boy licked the railings and has been frozen to it since Monday.
. I put 50 kilos of wood on the fire as it was so cold. How do I dispose of this pile of grey ash where the house once stood.

Yes, there must be many such cases......HOWEVER.....you have not responded to NY question re a real and serious problem.
Please find time to wade through all the above cr*p and help me in my hour of need.
Regards
Mr Todger.

 

[Drago]

Dear Uncle Drago.
I wonder if you could give me some advice from that resevoir you have.
Some weeks ago I decided to have a break from all this womanising and joined a monastery. It didn't last long......those monks were worse than any lustful woman.
So I telephoned that woman up the road. So glad I did as she assured me I am the only one for her.
So......I went to get my best thong, only to find it in the washing basket where it's been for 4 weeks. I shook some bits of mold off and thought the odor would give me a nice manly smell.
Once there I had to wait while she attire herself. While waiting I decided to polish my car and went looking for an old cloth, only to come across a pair of used y fronts with the name Aubrey on a label.
So.......my problem.
I used those y fronts but they have left terrible stains on my lovely paintwork. The more I rubbed the worse it got.
Can you suggest a foolproof way of restoring my beautiful car to its former glory.
Regards
Mr Todge.

Dear Roger,

Apologies for the late reply, I've been away on a Club 18-30 holiday with Claire Raynor. Sadly, rather than much sexy time with the mistress of agony columns were were made to club 1830 seals, whidh wasn't nice for anyone involved.

I digress!

As regards your car a new Hammerite paint job will soon have it looking splendid. Get the car nice and dirty to act as primer, then park it at the foot of a tall building. Wait for a windy day then climb to the top ofnthe building and pour the paint over the car.

Dear Uncle Drago.
I know, at this time of year you must be very busy offering solutions to pathetic problems. Problems such as........
. The car slid down the drive and my husband has been trapped under it for 2 weeks now, what should I do ?
. My little boy licked the railings and has been frozen to it since Monday.
. I put 50 kilos of wood on the fire as it was so cold. How do I dispose of this pile of grey ash where the house once stood.

Yes, there must be many such cases......HOWEVER.....you have not responded to NY question re a real and serious problem.
Please find time to wade through all the above cr*p and help me in my hour of need.
Regards
Mr Todger.

Probably time for a new car. The local orphanage can supply you with a new child.

The ash can be used as talcum powder. Mix in some asbestos for that luxury Johnson and Johnson feeling.

Lots of love,

Reverend Drago.

 

[Dave7]

Dear Uncle Drago.
Your advice plus your contacts in high places would be of much help at this moment.
I found out that Aubrey chap has not visited that woman up the road recently. I therefore donned my best 3 piece blue suit and nice brown brogues and tootled along, knowing that no woman could resist. I even splashed some Brut aftershave on.
Anyway when I got there she had 2 friends with her.
She said "oh, your just in time, do you fancy a foursome. Well this was beyond my dreams and replied "I certainly do, just give me a minute".
So, I went upstairs and disrobed. When I went back in i was shocked to see her dealing 4 hands of whist out......silly me.
Well, I had no idea anyone could scream that loud. Bad timing as a Bobby happened to be passing.
So here I am at the police station with only my trilby hat to preserve my modesty.
What advice can you offer? Its jolly cold here and that is affecting my bits in a bad way.
Yours
Mr Todger

 

[Drago]

Silly boy,

You could have bluffed and claimed to have thought it was strip poker, and added that you're such a poor player you thought you may as well get ahead of the game.

Or you could have kept your thong on and pretended to be Peter Mandelson.

As for your, current predicament, best claim to be a Freemason. Today's masonic password is "sphincter."

 

[tyred]

Dear Uncle Drago,

The dinner invite went really well and it was worth the expense of buying a Fray Bentos pie.

We were nicely snuggled up on the sofa listening to my Slade greatest hits cassette and drinking Yugoslavian white wine to set mood. Unfortunately she knocked over her glass and it burned a hole in the veneer on the coffee table. Is wine supposed to burn veneer? How can I repair my table?

Anyway, it was all going very well and we were in a state of undress and about to make the move upstairs. I had left my new packet of pickled onion flavoured condoms in the kitchen and went to fetch them.

Unfortunately, being slightly inebriated after half a gallon of Yugoslavian white, I knocked the cheese grater from the table as I walked across the kitchen. I then slipped on my way back to the expectant woman from up the road and fell on top of the cheese grater and slid across the floor and the grater injured my todger and left me with some flesh wounds.

When that woman up the road saw my injuries, she wasn't sympathetic and and hit me with the wine bottle and ran out the door.

I'm now nearly fully recovered and thinking about seeing if I can give it another go with that woman up the road. I did drive past her house one night to check if she was in, and there was a naked man being escorted from the door by a police man whilst that woman was screaming and shouting whilst holding a pack of cards. There was a reliant with terrible paintwork sitting in the drive.

What can this mean and do I still have a chance? Why was there a naked man being arrested?

A pair of my favourite Y-fronts have also gone missing. Is it likely they were stolen?

Yours faithfully,
Aubrey

 

[Drago]

Dear Ty Phoo,

Sorry to hear about your Vermeer. Best leave the repair of an old painting like that to an expert restorer.

The naked man was her milkman come to collect his money. It was a warm evening so quite naturally he stripped off to keep cool.

I would guess that you do have a chance, but probably best to bring some Primula than risk a grater again.

 

[Pinno718]

Dear Unkal

Do you know that feeling of emptiness? (stupid question, I know). That feeling that you are in a blank space, there's no colour or contour - you know, like the colour and contour of Jo Blythe's lumpy jumper...

But then there is a moment, a light bulb, a bell, a kick in the scrotum of apathy and suddenly the emptiness slowly lifts and that song by wotsisface... Jimmy Cliff starts filling your head.

The source of the light bulb moment was an ad in the local paper - 'Bongo Bingo, this Friday'. The perfect environment for romance.
And so, this rising, unwavering, relentless, immeasurable feeling consumed me: I must get to Manchester and I must get to Jo before she diminishes to a size zero and I must get her to the Bongo Bingo and she could dress as Tarzan, me Jane... hang on, something is not right there but it still works out nonetheless.
Anyway, would you help me crowd fund a project to build a barrow with 4 wheels, go faster stripes, a vase for flowers and a Briggs and Stratton engine - the barrow to end all barrows, replete with a plastic rain cover, side car, a modern tape cassette player (for banging tunes) and the ability to scale Shap fell so that I can get from Scotland south?
Without your help, I don't think my budget of one pound and thirty seven pence (that's what the teller woman at the bank said with a screwy look) will quite cover it and I think I shall spend the rest if my life lonely...

Yours
Frowny McSadface

 

[ebikeerwidnes]

Dear Unkal

Do you know that feeling of emptiness? (stupid question, I know). That feeling that you are in a blank space, there's no colour or contour - you know, like the colour and contour of Jo Blythe's lumpy jumper...

But then there is a moment, a light bulb, a bell, a kick in the scrotum of apathy and suddenly the emptiness slowly lifts and that song by wotsisface... Jimmy Cliff starts filling your head.

The source of the light bulb moment was an ad in the local paper - 'Bongo Bingo, this Friday'. The perfect environment for romance.
And so, this rising, unwavering, relentless, immeasurable feeling consumed me: I must get to Manchester and I must get to Jo before she diminishes to a size zero and I must get her to the Bongo Bingo and she could dress as Tarzan, me Jane... hang on, something is not right there but it still works out nonetheless.
Anyway, would you help me crowd fund a project to build a barrow with 4 wheels, go faster stripes, a vase for flowers and a Briggs and Stratton engine - the barrow to end all barrows, replete with a plastic rain cover, side car, a modern tape cassette player (for banging tunes) and the ability to scale Shap fell so that I can get from Scotland south?
Without your help, I don't think my budget of one pound and thirty seven pence (that's what the teller woman at the bank said with a screwy look) will quite cover it and I think I shall spend the rest if my life lonely...

Yours
Frowny McSadface

It would certainly be more fun if she dressed as Tarzan and you as Jane

it would mean you wearing a short skirt and a bikini top
but her outfit would look great on her

probably

 

[classic33]

Dear Unkal

Do you know that feeling of emptiness? (stupid question, I know). That feeling that you are in a blank space, there's no colour or contour - you know, like the colour and contour of Jo Blythe's lumpy jumper...

But then there is a moment, a light bulb, a bell, a kick in the scrotum of apathy and suddenly the emptiness slowly lifts and that song by wotsisface... Jimmy Cliff starts filling your head.

The source of the light bulb moment was an ad in the local paper - 'Bongo Bingo, this Friday'. The perfect environment for romance.
And so, this rising, unwavering, relentless, immeasurable feeling consumed me: I must get to Manchester and I must get to Jo before she diminishes to a size zero and I must get her to the Bongo Bingo and she could dress as Tarzan, me Jane... hang on, something is not right there but it still works out nonetheless.
Anyway, would you help me crowd fund a project to build a barrow with 4 wheels, go faster stripes, a vase for flowers and a Briggs and Stratton engine - the barrow to end all barrows, replete with a plastic rain cover, side car, a modern tape cassette player (for banging tunes) and the ability to scale Shap fell so that I can get from Scotland south?
Without your help, I don't think my budget of one pound and thirty seven pence (that's what the teller woman at the bank said with a screwy look) will quite cover it and I think I shall spend the rest if my life lonely...

Yours
Frowny McSadface

You mean you want something like this?

The worlds fastest wheelbarrow. If she's not impressed by that you stand no chance.