Your funny/strange hospital experiences.

[MrPie]

You lot are a bunch o trouble makers!

DrPie having an emergency C section with No1 son. Junior doc gas woman (I can’t spell anaesthetist) was very attractive and was frankly flirting with me throughout the whole procedure. The little un eventually pops out and gas girl exclaims ‘oh, he’s almost as handsome as dad’.....missus under her breath, but very clearly hisses ‘oh, for f*ck sake’. Theatre goes dead quiet followed by burst of laughter. Gas girl now very embarrassed.

Fast forward a couple o years and No2 child is en-route with an elective C section. Just so happens that we get top dog consultant, who is also a friend. Kiddo pops out and I take a squint and exclaim ‘it’s a girl!’ Chummo consultant looks down, sticks his lip out and says ‘that was my job, and it’s the best bit’. Had his lip out for the remainder of the day.

 

[PK99]

Mrs PK was in the Materninty suite. On the delivery table. Midwives dealing with the business end. I'm a the other end mopping the fevered brow. Baby's head is crowning.


MrsPK turns to me: "Am I really having a baby?"

 

[Dave 123]

On the occasions I have to go into the Theatres, it's easy to tell which ones are in use by the Ortho's
The smell of drilled/sawn Bone..........................

 

[Aravis]

Towards the end of 2010 I suffered a few attacks of kidney stones, which fortunately stopped and haven't returned.

The first happened on a weekend afternoon and quickly became intolerable. At the time I lived in Lydney, a small Forest of Dean town, which fortunately had an A&E about a mile from my home. Having visited it a few times for relatively minor things I knew that the arrival procedure was to stand by a porthole where you either had to stoop or bend your knees uncomfortably if you wanted to see who you were talking to, and answer a series of annoying questions. As my wife dropped me by the entrance, and I made my way inside in indescribable agony, I realised that on this occasion there was going to be none of that formality; I staggered into the ward, fell to my knees grasping the edge of the nearest desk, and gasped "Help me!".

The really strange thing is that as this was about to unfold, despite everything that was happening, I knew I was going to enjoy the moment.

Once I was safely inside my wife disappeared home to reassure my children, who were waiting ashen-faced at the front window.

 

[Andrew_P]

On the occasions I have to go into the Theatres, it's easy to tell which ones are in use by the Ortho's
The smell of drilled/sawn Bone..........................

Must admit when my Wife had one of her hips replaced I made the mistake of watching a You Tube Video, I didn't tell my wife about it until afterwards that it looked more like someone working on a wall with a hammer and chisel nor her leg position during the op, of course a bit a plonker really because she had the other one done 3 years later and was preoccupied with the leg bit!! God knows how people have it done under epidural and local!!

That and the angle grinder they use to open the chest up!! Not that she has had that done but a friend who had a bypass.

 

[DanZac]

Whilst I was in having my vasectomy the surgeon was demonstrating his amazing ability to multi task by chatting to me whilst working away at my bits, at some point he asked what I did for a living. Once I'd told him he looked at me and said "oh that sounds a bit dull".
Quick as a flash and with no thought to my dubious predicament I replied with "Well its better than spending the day fiddling with other blokes bits". Que the entire room falling about laughing whilst the surgeon tried to defend his job.
One nil to me I believe!

 

[Cuchilo]

On the occasions I have to go into the Theatres, it's easy to tell which ones are in use by the Ortho's
The smell of drilled/sawn Bone..........................

Bone stinks when you work it . I only know this from hand making guitars not from anything else ..... honest

 

[postman]

Two tales.I needed a 'oscopy down my throat to look at what was causing acid reflux and terrible stomach pain.I was the last patient,i had no idea what was going to happen.Doc comes towards me and shines a torch down my throat.Ok he says.I said thank you and started to leave.He looked at me and must have thought what a numpty.Anyway a spray and a tube down my neck.Not very nice.
Second tale,chest pains ambulance called kept on a ward while blood test results are checked.Doctor comes please put this pill under your tongue and we will keep you overnight.Curtains are drawn and down i go to sleep,but all is not well,i feel light headed about to pass out,i opened the curtains called out Nurse i don't feel ====== i then pass out.I come round with two porters at the bed,two Doctors one shouting my name spit the pill out spit the pill out,one Nurse who was the one i called out to and a Sister or Matron,i was whisked up to ICU and spent 48 hours being looked at.I had Pericarditis which was cleared up with antibiotics.

 

[Salad Dodger]

I was about 14 when my dad had his first heart attack, at about 11 at night, not long after I had gone to bed. This was back in the late 60's.
I woke to a lot of commotion - mum had fetched a neighbour who used to be a nurse, she had phoned for an ambulance and they were settling dad and getting him ready to go to hospital.
Then there was more commotion as the ambulance turned up, and the ambulance staff came in with a stretcher and so on.
As I was an only child, if mum went to the hospital with dad, who would look after me? Anyway, I was naturally concerned about my dad, so I quickly dressed, and a neighbour gave mum and I a lift to the hospital. The ambulance had already gone.
So we arrived at the hospital reception and asked for dad. He was being settled into a ward, and we could see him shortly.
A little while later, we were told to go to xxxx ward, and that we could see him briefly.
We arrived at the ward. It is of course in semi darkness, with most patients trying to sleep. A nurse directs us to the cubicle where dad was lying, rigged up to an ECG machine, like they have on the TV hospital programme's. Beep..... Beep..... Beep....Beep.....
Mum approaches the bed. In the semi darkness she inadvertently kicks one of those saline drip stands that has been rigged up to dad's arm. The stand thing falls over, knocking into a bedpan with a clattering noise that could probably be heard several streets away, dad's ECG trace nearly goes into orbit, and nurses come running to see what the hell has happened.
How the poor old bugger didn't have a fatal heart attack at that moment is beyond me!
In fact he got out of hospital and lived another 10 years of relatively normal life (in the days before stent operations) before a second heart attack did for him......

 

[Profpointy]

Whilst I was in having my vasectomy the surgeon was demonstrating his amazing ability to multi task by chatting to me whilst working away at my bits, at some point he asked what I did for a living. Once I'd told him he looked at me and said "oh that sounds a bit dull".
Quick as a flash and with no thought to my dubious predicament I replied with "Well its better than spending the day fiddling with other blokes bits". Que the entire room falling about laughing whilst the surgeon tried to defend his job.
One nil to me I believe!

Good one for you, but not sure I'd really want to get one over on some bloke who's at that very moment slicing at your bollocks with a scalpel

 

[ColinJ]

I needed a 'oscopy down my throat to look at what was causing acid reflux and terrible stomach pain.I was the last patient,i had no idea what was going to happen.Doc comes towards me and shines a torch down my throat.Ok he says.I said thank you and started to leave.He looked at me and must have thought what a numpty.Anyway a spray and a tube down my neck.Not very nice.

My late best mate had that problem and had to have an annual 'scoping for Barrett's oesophagus. He was cockily confident going for the first examination and opted not to be knocked out. Having not enjoyed the clinical 'sword-swallowing' one little bit, he realised [*** Pun alert ***] that he didn't have the stomach for it and was put under for it in subsequent years!

 

[Nigeyy]

A couple of years ago I was a bit off colour and was in the ER, and ended up having to get a spinal, or spinals as the case was.

First doctor in has about 3 attempts and my right leg is getting really uncomfortable as the needle must keep hitting the around the same nerves. Anyway, after the 3rd attempt he tells me he's going to call in a physician who is known for his spinal tap expertise. He comes in, fails at the first attempt, and then I hear the immortal words (without any attempt to not let me hear, mind you): "We're going to need a bigger needle" accompanied with some short sharp intakes of breath. Well, yet another couple of attempts later, he's finally successful, but then I hear: "mmm....oh...come and look at this.... I've never seen this before!". I could have done without hearing all of that.....

At the time not so funny, but now a couple of year later I do find it amusing in a dark humourous sort of way

 

[GrumpyGregry]

Being sent home with a broken ankle in a tubigrip with just a wooden walking stick. I fainted in the car park, but my mum told me not to make a fuss. A week or so later I was back in hospital when my leg turned black from knee to toes. Listening to the doctor getting a rollocking was scant compensation.

The Goodness Gracious Me accent of the doctor who said "A little bit of crème to numb the part" just before he catheterised me, whilst conscious, following a major head injury, sticks in my memory. Can't think why.

Setting the heart monitor alarm off through having a silly low resting HR every bluddy time I go. Seems to scare the nurses.

 

[captain nemo1701]

Last year I was in for stomach wall surgery. I had to wear a special dressing called a 'Pico dressing' (I think that's what it was called) which was to be put down my chest, over the wound. They have a small battery powered pump that extracts the air from the dressing and seals it onto your skin. The idea is that it then absorbs discharge, which was a problem in my case. Anyway, the two nurses had problems getting it to stick to my hairy chest, so needed to shave it. I had a female friend (retired nurse herself) visiting me while two nurses shaved my chest with BIC razors. There was me, a gay man having his chest shaved by two young nurses and my friend quipped that some men would pay good money for it.

My line manager at work has a saying when asked in emails etc to do the impossible. He'll exclaim 'Oh..sh*t the bed'... quite often. In hospital, I found myself on the ward with some older guys, one of who had...err..a bit of a wind problem. One night he let loose what could only be described as a loud gurgling whopper and I thought 'that sounded like he just sh*t the bed', thinking of my boss.

Sure enough,'Nuuuurse....' he wailed..... Poor chap.

I had an embarrassing fart incident too. After surgery on day three, I tried to sit up in bed while the nurse came in to take my blood pressure etc, when I let loose with a loud toot. Unfazed, the nurse just commented 'Oh...better out eh?'

 

[Richard A Thackeray]

Apparently its not unheard of for patients to end up on the floor because the surgeon has been too enthusiastic with the wood working tools. At least, that's what the bloke that did the Meccano in my elbow told me.

Was he joshing, or is it true? To this day I'm not sure.

Often referred to as the Carpenters of the Surgical world