Your funny/strange hospital experiences.

[Drago]

Last year, had my shoulder operated upon, was discharged at lunchtime.

Got home, within an hour couldn't breathe, so was blue lighted by Ambo to (a thankfully different) Hospital.

I'm placed in the observation ward to await a bed for the night. A young lad, about 17, is very gobby and lairy. An older lady asks him to be quiet and he gets right in her face, gobbing off at her. I can't breathe laying down so I'm sat up trying to watch TV, and see this unfold.

The older lady gets her mobile phone out, and about 5 minutes later a very large Ross Kemp lookalike in a tight fitting leather jacket bursts into the TV room and backs young gobby lad into the corner, forehead to forehead, whereupon Mr Kemp threatens to reach down his throat, grab his testicles and turn him inside out. Youngfellermelad was crying, saying "don't hit me! Don't hit me!". I thought it was great sport, and couldn't help laughing. Full of drugs and with my arm strapped to my body there was nothing I could have done to save him, and I had no inclination to do so anyway.

 

[swee'pea99]

a doctor appears with a sharp knife and starts hacking it out, I was in agony, no local anaesthetic in them days.

The hell there wasn't. He was the pool attendant's brother.

 

[Profpointy]

taking myself to A&E in february while it was snowing and ice on the ground and walking in in just a pair of shorts as I was so hot, getting to Triage desk to book self in and saying, I think I might be poorly as I feel so hot seeing the triage nurse grimace as I keeled over , then waking up a day or so later in an isolation ward as I had a horrible infection in a scratch wound on my neck. i still laugh at the thought of the triage nurses face as I keeled over

105 degree temp and not long till body was going to shut down ....

Not me but a colleague was telling a comparable tale. He was working away as an it consultant in Norfolk or whatever but had an infected small cut on his leg which seemed to be worsening. Was sent in to the local hospital to get it looked at only to be told he'd have to check in to the hospital. He asked if he could go home to manchester and get treated there instead. "yes you could do that - how long will it take you to get to Manchester" "maybe 6 hours" he replied. "You'll be dead in 6 hours". They spend the night giving him penecillin and drawing in felt tip pen round the red bits on his leg each hour to see if they were gaining or losing. He lived to tell the tale and still has both legs. Original injury was a mere rose thorn. I knew a lady who died in similar circumstances, as did a mate's boss (who I didn't know) so it's not something to treat lighly at all.

 

[bruce1530]

I was in hospital, in the orthopaedic ward, following a bike accident. Suspected fractured hip.

I was sharing a room with 3 other guys. I later found out that I’d been given the last bed in the department, which was in the “old guys who have had falls in nursing homes” ward.

Old Chap #1 was in the bed next to me. Didn’t see him, ever, curtains were drawn all the time. But I heard him. He’d be quiet for a while - 5 mins, 10 mins, maybe even half an hour, then would shout loudly “NURSE. NURSE. YOU NEED TO DO SOMETHING ABOUT MY URINE”

Old Chap #2 was diagonally opposite. Also quite shouty. Regular stream of visitors. Preferred lying on top of the blankets with his legs apart to being under the blankets. Occasionally managed to stand up and shuffle across the ward with a zimmer. All of this while bollock naked. It kept my teenage daughters amused.

And Old Chap #3 was lovely. I had a long conversation with him. He had worked in a local factory where my father and uncle had worked, and we had plenty to talk about. He told me why he was in the hospital. Earlier that afternoon he had been for a walk in the town’s indoor shopping centre. He told me how he had come out of Tesco, just at the bit where the floor slopes, next to Boots. There had been some water spilled on the ground, and he slipped. Next thing he knew, he was here in the hospital, waiting for his daughter to collect him.

I know exactly the bit he was talking about - the shopping centre slopes downhill at one point, just as you come to Boots. But Tesco moved out of there at least 10 years ago. The nurse said he’d been in that bed for a fortnight.


During the night, Old Chap #1 became more shouty. The nurses wheeled his bed out. Same thing happened to Old Chap #2. Other people were wheeled in and replaced them.

I asked the nurse if she had chucked them down the lift shaft. She laughed, but didn’t say no.

Morphine may have affected these memories.


Day 2 was different. I was moved to the “Old Lady Ward”. Was very glad of headphones. Doctors eventually decided hip wasn’t broken, and discharged me.

 

[Fnaar]

While vacuuming naked I once got very tired and took an quick nap with the hoover still running. At this time, my penis must have flopped into the vacuum hose and got wedged quite firmly in. It was so embarrassing when I went to A & E with it.

I just told them it was a sex accident else they'd never have believed me.

 

[Fnaar]

As posted elsewhere on this forum last October

About a quarter of a century ago, I had to have some minor surgery on my 'sausage', after sex on a sandy beach in Portugal made some unfortunate sand/skin -interface friction damage
I returned to Blighty for the op, going to local hospital near where my mum lived.
The op was under local anaesthetic. The nurse came to administer the injection to said private part.
She said to the doc, "Doctor, I feel I have to declare that I know the patient" (or words to that effect).
It was my mum's neighbour. Having my todger poking out of the green sheet which covered most of the rest of my body at the the time, I replied "Well, you've seen it now, so we might as well just get on with it" (which we did).
I didn't see her often, but if I saw her when I visited my mum, she would stifle a giggle and sort of run inside

 

[Drago]

While vacuuming naked I once got very tired and took an quick nap with the hoover still running. At this time, my penis must have flopped into the vacuum hose and got wedged quite firmly in. It was so embarrassing when I went to A & E with it.

I just told them it was a sex accident else they'd never have believed me.

A similar thing happened to me when I was cleaning an aubergine while naked one day.

 

[screenman]

You know those green gowns that tie up at the back, well do not go and have a P whilst wearing one, because no matter how much shaking, drying and banging it on the sink will stop that last little dribble coming out and spreading across the gown. Do not do this in The British Hernia Clinic, as it will remind them of me.

 

[Tim Hall]

Waiting outside theatre in a wheelchair, feeling a bit nervous, as I was having a vasectomy. Cheery porter pops his head round the door.
"Don't worry mate, they're just cleaning the bricks."

Later, when I'm on the table I get inquisitive halfway through the procedure and ask if they just snip the tubes. The Crool Nurse explains that they cut a bit if tube out and waves her finger under my nose with a piece if me on it for a closer look.
"Don't touch me" she warns "I'm sterile"
"And I soon will be" I reply.

 

[Drago]

Not strictly a hospital sorry, but seeing as Tim mentioned it...

Had my vasectomy done at a local GP surgery. Had the 'no scalpel' procedure if anyone is interested. BTW, its a big lie, they do use a blummen scalpel!

Anyway, a couple of minutes into the procedure was not a good time to discover I had a high tolerance to local anaesthetic. The Doc offered to stop, but I told him to carry on. Anyway, the attractive middle aged nurse assisting him did her best not to call me a woos, but she was clearly thinking it. Another 15 or 20 minutes of me shrieking and screaming and he was done. I staggered out the door, leaned on the doorframe to catch my breath, and looked up to see everyone in the waiting room staring at me...

But it doesn't end there. Some months later I was doing my rotation as custody Sergeant. One day I arrived to work to find the custody nurse we'd been given for the day was the same one who'd been assisting the Doctor. She grinned at me for the whole 12 hour shift.

 

[Fnaar]

From 2008

I put this on C+ once, but while I was having a vasectomy, the nurse (having complimented me on the closeness of my self-shave of nether regions for the purposes of the op) then told me I had muscly legs... was she trying to talk me out of a vasectomy, so that I could sire her some offspring? In my middle-aged way, I like to think that's true.

 

[bruce1530]

Someone close was very ill. Unlikely to make it through the night. Family had been called in, some had travelled from other end of the country. They arrived at his bedside with half an hour to spare. Priest had been to visit and administered last rites. Solemn, peaceful occasion.

We were sitting round his bedside in a side ward, knowing it wouldn’t be long.

Just at that, a guy came in the door, squeezed past the people sitting round the bed, went into the little bathroom, didn’t shut the door, dropped his trousers and with a noise like a liner dropping anchor, took a dump. He pulled up his trousers, said “excuse me” and left.

My relative died about 10 mins later, with a smile on his face.

 

[Glow worm]

After an unplanned dismount, I had to have my collar bone pinned. I'd also had some kind of seizure so was in hospital for a few days.
I was bored out of my mind, but luckily, I'd spotted a pub across the road. So on my second evening, I somehow managed to get dressed and dodging nurses, escaped to the boozer, hospital wrist tag thing still attached.
While I waited to order my very welcome pint, I noticed every single person in the queue at the bar were also sporting the same hospital tags!
I reckon the patients were keeping that place running.

 

[Bazzer]

On a night ride on my own enjoying a warm summer evening, cycling down a remote country road at around 1.30am and a badger ran out of a hedge directly in the line of my front wheel. Hit said badger, then hit the tarmac breaking my femur in two places. Whilst at hospital went through the inevitable "What happened to you?" and "You were doing what!" and "Why?"
24 hours later with leg operated on and on a new ward, had the repeat of the question"What happened to you?", but time and again from then on and for the following week, from doctors, nurses, porters, physios, OT's and others involved in my aftercare, the question was commonly followed up with, "Oh your the one!"

 

[Richard A Thackeray]

I'm too embarrassed to tell mine but I know it was funny for the nurses!

Oh we hear lots, & share the funnier ones in the staff-room

While vacuuming naked I once got very tired and took an quick nap with the hoover still running. At this time, my penis must have flopped into the vacuum hose and got wedged quite firmly in. It was so embarrassing when I went to A & E with it.
I just told them it was a sex accident else they'd never have believed me.

It does happen, as do various bottles/Carrots/Cucumbers, let alone dildoes/vibrators
It's not that long since the last one, B/F & G/F had been 'experimenting'
Sadly, it was, apparently, her mothers toy................

Waiting outside theatre in a wheelchair, feeling a bit nervous, as I was having a vasectomy. Cheery porter pops his head round the door.
"Don't worry mate, they're just cleaning the bricks."

Later, when I'm on the table I get inquisitive halfway through the procedure and ask if they just snip the tubes. The Crool Nurse explains that they cut a bit if tube out and waves her finger under my nose with a piece if me on it for a closer look.
"Don't touch me" she warns "I'm sterile"
"And I soon will be" I reply.

When I had mine, just as he was poised, Scalpel in hand, he casually asked if I'd watched the f**tball the previous evening
It was an awkward moment, as I totally detest it, but................ he had a sharp knife near my 'nads