Comedy one liners that stick.

[Dayvo]

The wife of Ian Maxwell (he who was the son of disgraced conman, Robert) shouted to a group of people outside their mansion early one morning:

Mrs. Maxwell - ´Piss off, or I´ll call the police!`

Reply - ´We are the police, madam!´

 

[PaulB]

Billy Bragg was once complaining about the barriers on the London underground to an overeworked tube employee by saying they were dangerous, inconvenient and that the railway workers own union were opposed to them when the employee said to him, "Why don't you write a ****ing song about it then?"

 

[swee'pea99]

Two quickies from (radio's) I'm Sorry I'll Read That Again:

Now here's a spot for our teenage listeners....but don't pick it or it'll never get better.




The next part of our programme is not suitable for listeners of a nervous disposition...











BOO!

 

[Dayvo]

Not a one-liner (more of a one-worder!) and definitely NOT work safe (language), but this ALWAYS and every time cracks me up!


View: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZDFN84kgc5E

 

[cisamcgu]

Dan! Dan! Dan! Dan! Dan!

 

[darkstar]

"Old Robert a bit slow on the uptake there, dunno what he had for breakfast this morning... Presumably an infected spinal column in a bap"
Alan Partridge talking to a farmer, classic.

 

[Tenorman]

"Mmm! These Korean meatballs really are the dog's bollocks!"

Hugh Dennis on Mock the Week - "Things you wouldn't hear a TV chef say"

 

[Tenorman]

"Candygram for Mongo"

 

[swee'pea99]

"They're shouting 'down with the English!'"
"The devils - I'll send the Irish Guards to deal with them."
"It's the Irish Guards who are shouting."

 

[Corvette chic]

Tony Hancock - "Give me a frothy coffee without the froth"

 

[gbb]

Time Bandits...
Robin Hood (John Cleese) to Strutter...
'So you're a robber too...how long have you been a robber ?'

Strutter replies '4 foot 1'

Robin Hood...'Good lord, 4 foot 1 ?, well that is a long time isnt it ? '

 

[gbb]

One of my own i annoy a local burger bar owner with...

(His Hawaiin burger is a cheeseburger with a ring of pineapple)

'Can i have a Hawaiin burger without the pineapple ?'

He always replies...'You want a cheeseburger then'

 

[Crankarm]

I'm sure it's already been said, "I am playing all the right notes, but not necessarily in the right order" - Eric Morecambe

 

[Crankarm]

"I never forget a face, but in your case, I'll be glad to make an exception".

Graucho Marx

 

[Vikeonabike]

One of my own i annoy a local burger bar owner with...

(His Hawaiin burger is a cheeseburger with a ring of pineapple)

'Can i have a Hawaiin burger without the pineapple ?'

He always replies...'You want a cheeseburger then'

Which bar so I can do it too!