Divorce

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Lullabelle

Lullabelle

Banana
Location
Midlands UK
buggi said:
He came on here for advice. What's the alternative? Sink into further depression or drink til he's ill? He needs to regain some sort of control, and get some legal advice. I've watched two brothers go through the same thing, and try to be nice and ended up coming out worse for it. Things got better when they started standing up for themselves. It might sound harsh but telling someone time is a great healer won't help them in practical ways. What will help is some proper advice on his financials and having some space to work out what HE wants to do... And he can't have that space while she is occupying it. A few days on her mates sofa might help focus her mind also and if there is a chance for reconciliation, it's more likely to happen when she sees the grass isn't so green on the other side.
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Buggi you have been harsh but to be honest I agree with you, she sounds controlling and manipulative so he does need to take control.
 
Roadhump

Roadhump

Time you enjoyed wasting was not wasted
Location
The flatlands of South West Lancs
buggi said:
He came on here for advice. What's the alternative? Sink into further depression or drink til he's ill? He needs to regain some sort of control, and get some legal advice. I've watched two brothers go through the same thing, and try to be nice and ended up coming out worse for it. Things got better when they started standing up for themselves. It might sound harsh but telling someone time is a great healer won't help them in practical ways. What will help is some proper advice on his financials and having some space to work out what HE wants to do... And he can't have that space while she is occupying it. A few days on her mates sofa might help focus her mind also and if there is a chance for reconciliation, it's more likely to happen when she sees the grass isn't so green on the other side.
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He should stand up for himself and not allow anyone to walk all over him, but it's surely better to see if bridges can be repaired / rebuilt before burning them completely.

A mate of mine got divorced a few years ago and he later explained that it all started with a small argument about a couple of things they found irritating about each other and before they knew it, things were said that were so harsh there was no going back.

Best to weigh things up first before jumping in (or out) feet first IMHO
 
OP
OP
Broughtonblue

Broughtonblue

Guru
Location
Norfolk
As I said before I will take all forms of advice, nobody on here knows me so a little bit of info,
I'm a 6 ft 17 stone bloke not a 'wet lettuce' type. I've spent my working life on building sites and in factories, in my early teens I had problems with 'anger' that got me into quite a bit of trouble, football violence etc. I put all that behind me and am very proud of the fact, I haven't been in any trouble since I was 17, the last thing I want to do is 'unlock the beast' in me again as I know where that will lead.
If I have to grow a pair then I will, but it's a fine line for me. I want to try the amicable way first.

After dropping her off I purchased a bottle of vodka which I'm looking at now....
 
D

DaveReading

Don't suffer fools gladly (must try harder!)
Location
Reading, obvs
If it helps, think of divorce as a loss akin to bereavement.

Many of the strategies for coming to terms with the two are similar, and in both cases time is often (but not always) a great healer.
 
Brandane

Brandane

Legendary Member
Location
Costa Clyde
buggi said:
Right, listen to me, it's crap, it's gonna be crap and it will probably get crapper before it gets better. And of course it will get better, look at all the divorced people around you... They got through it and moved on.

BUT NOW I'M GONNA BE REALLY HARSH ... Because I think you need to hear this

GET A BACKBONE.

Your problem is that you have lost control and she is calling all the shots. This is why you feel so desperate.

She has moved into the spare room and you have to wait to tell the kids together? Er why? Let me guess... Her idea? Why do you have to tell them together when it is her decision... She can tell them. They are adults they will cope with the news, no matter how upsetting it is. This is just a plot by her to give herself time to sort herself out no doubt, and so she can sleep easier basically by making this look like its a mutual decision which clearly it is not. And now she asks you for a lift into town. What the actual f*k? Do you think that you do not have a right to be angry just because you have kids? They say that depression is just anger without enthusiasm and you know what... They are right. LET ALL HELL loose on her. Tell her to get the f*k out if she doesn't want to be there and stop being so God damn nice. Trust me in this, you will feel a whole lot better when you have stood your ground and she is not going to respect you for being nice, trust me. She has decided to leave, so pack her bags and put them on the doorstep for when she gets home... I'm sure her mate will let her stay.
Then on Monday morning , phone your boss and tell him you'll be late and you'll take it as holiday and get your ass to a solicitor (many do a free consultation). Knowledge is power. Find out where you stand financially before she does. YOU divorce HER not the other way round. And when the solicitor asks if there is any one else, tell him you think so, because as harsh as it is to face, this is probably the reality.

Stop taking her crap and you will still have a broken heart, yes, but you will at least have some self respect which, let me tell you, is worth a lot more. And in the HIGHLY likely scenario that you standing up to her reignites her interest in you, tell her to f*k off back to the stone from under which she crawled.
I'm sorry if this sounds harsh, but get angry, it's the best way to pick yourself up, trust me. Been there bought the t shirt and looking back I'd rather hold my head up high than beg someone to stay. Even more so it was when I finally stood up for myself that I started to feel like I'd get through it. When you start taking control you will feel more empowered.
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Harsh; but probably one of the best bits of advice I have ever seen on this site!
I would like to think that if I was ever unfortunate enough to be faced with broughtonblue's circumstances that I would be able to stand up, dust myself down, and do exactly as buggi suggests. Having said that, we are all different and use different coping methods. But I'm bookmarking @buggi for the next time I need some harsh but spot on relationship advice!
 
Smokin Joe

Smokin Joe

Legendary Member
Location
Bare headed cyclist, Smoker
Broughtonblue said:
As I said before I will take all forms of advice, nobody on here knows me so a little bit of info,
I'm a 6 ft 17 stone bloke not a 'wet lettuce' type. I've spent my working life on building sites and in factories, in my early teens I had problems with 'anger' that got me into quite a bit of trouble, football violence etc. I put all that behind me and am very proud of the fact, I haven't been in any trouble since I was 17, the last thing I want to do is 'unlock the beast' in me again as I know where that will lead.
If I have to grow a pair then I will, but it's a fine line for me. I want to try the amicable way first.

After dropping her off I purchased a bottle of vodka which I'm looking at now....
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Pour it down the sink, for Christ's sake. The last thing you want is to drink yourself into a deep depression.
 
Pro Tour Punditry

Pro Tour Punditry

Guru
At the risk of appearing flippant, I hope you also bought some tonic and limes
 
buggi

buggi

Bird Saviour
Location
Solihull
Lullabelle said:
Buggi you have been harsh but to be honest I agree with you, she sounds controlling and manipulative so he does need to take control.
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Harsh yes,I know how it came across, but I do stand by what I said, being nice will not change anything, if anything it makes it worse, and then if they stay you are constantly afraid to upset them in case they walk. It's no way to live,I did it for a year, it's agony and I wish someone had said it to me.
Broughtonblue said:
As I said before I will take all forms of advice, nobody on here knows me so a little bit of info,
I'm a 6 ft 17 stone bloke not a 'wet lettuce' type. I've spent my working life on building sites and in factories, in my early teens I had problems with 'anger' that got me into quite a bit of trouble, football violence etc. I put all that behind me and am very proud of the fact, I haven't been in any trouble since I was 17, the last thing I want to do is 'unlock the beast' in me again as I know where that will lead.
If I have to grow a pair then I will, but it's a fine line for me. I want to try the amicable way first.

After dropping her off I purchased a bottle of vodka which I'm looking at now....
Click to expand...
Pour it down the sink . I'm not saying you should hit out when I say get angry, don't go down the violent route, and being drunk when she gets back it's not going to help. What I mean is get STRONG. Stop being nice to her. She has chosen to go so show her what life is like without you. Tell her to leave now, pack her bags, tell her to get a taxi!
 
Mrs M

Mrs M

Guru
Location
Aberdeenshire
Broughtonblue said:
As I said before I will take all forms of advice, nobody on here knows me so a little bit of info,
I'm a 6 ft 17 stone bloke not a 'wet lettuce' type. I've spent my working life on building sites and in factories, in my early teens I had problems with 'anger' that got me into quite a bit of trouble, football violence etc. I put all that behind me and am very proud of the fact, I haven't been in any trouble since I was 17, the last thing I want to do is 'unlock the beast' in me again as I know where that will lead.
If I have to grow a pair then I will, but it's a fine line for me. I want to try the amicable way first.

After dropping her off I purchased a bottle of vodka which I'm looking at now....
Click to expand...

Please pour it away, won't make things better. :hugs:
 
buggi

buggi

Bird Saviour
Location
Solihull
User said:
@Broughtonblue sorry to read you're going through a difficult time BUT to everyone else giving the wife a hard time, we are only getting one side of the story, she has her reasons, to her they are vaild reasons, and after 30 years I 'm sure she's not taking the decision lightly....unless we hear the full story who really knows what the whys and whats are...
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I kind of agree with the fact we only have your side, but when someone says they don't want to be with you, and then asks for lift so they can go clubbing, tells me two things... They are not feeling the same pain and they are clearly taking the p!ss.
Pour the vodka down the sink, have a good cry for the last time while she is out and can't see it. and then go and get some legal advice and start standing your ground. That will make you feel better than a bottle of vodka ever could.
 
Saluki

Saluki

World class procrastinator
Location
...Norwich over the water.
Have you got a receipt for that vodka? If so, take it back and buy something to eat. If not, put it down the sink. Vodka is bloody horrible anyway.

If you get a text at 2am asking for a lift home, tell her you drank the vodka! Or tell her to poke off. Or both.

Buggi is bob on with her advice. I was nice to my ex, for a couple of days and then my bitch gene kicked in, or I got a backbone, depending on who you ask. My ex wanted everything on his terms, including the whole house (yeah right). Once I took control and engaged a solicitor things didn't look so bleak.

Definitely ditch the vodka. Try some chocolate, it has feel good chemicals in that vodka doesn't have. It doesn't give you a hangover either. If you can, ring work and take a couple of day's holiday and get some legal advise fast. Knowing where you stand is good.
 
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