Share your Viz Comic top tips

[Drago]

Problems with religious types knocking on your door at all hours, trying to convert you to a normal religion?

Fear not!

Dress up as Ozzy Osbourne and answer the door while munching on a bats head, and they shall trouble you no more.

 

[Drago]

Worried you're becoming a pervert, letching 24/7 at the middle aged crumpet on BBC News Channel?

Fear not!

Turn over to ITV and watch Loose Women, and you will be impotent for the rest of your days.

 

[Drago]

Live next door to Eric Pickles? Constantly worried that he will one day burgle you and eat all your food?

Never fear!

Ensure you buy only diet, low calorie, and no added sugar brands, and the rapacious trencherman will go elsewhere.

 

[keithmac]

Convince your partner they have farted and followed through in the night by placing a chocolate button between their bumcheeks as they sleep.

Many many years ago we filled a mates pants full of pot noodle as he was slumped with hus head over the toilet, to this day he's convinced he sh1t pure pot noodle out..

 

[stephec]

I like the multiple ones that go through the tips section, this is one of my favourites-

Save time crossing a one way street by only looking in one direction.
A. Jones
Fulchester

Then further down the page -

When crossing a one way street be sure to look in both directions in case a blue removal lorry is reversing the wrong way down the street.
A. Jones
Fulchester General Hospital

 

[Drago]

Don't want the annoyance of politicians knocking on your door during this election campaign?

Simple. Declare your property North Korean sovereign territory, then insist any visitors have a valid visa prior to entering your gate. I mean immigration control.

 

[keithmac]

 

[The Essex Spurs]

HA Ha!!! That is blimmin expensive though considering it's the best part of thirty years old!!!! I would love to know what issue it was because I know I have it somewhere.

 

[The Essex Spurs]

I've just thought...is that Petr Cech riding that bike????

 

[Drago]

For maximum enjoyment turn the TV volume right down before watching a Bananarama DVD.

 

[PaulSecteur]

Want to get that geek-cool look but cursed with perfect vision?

Simpley use a marker pen to draw squared off glasses on your own face.

 

[PaulSecteur]

Crimelords - Stop running the risk of being caught with guns by learning how to throw bullets really, really, really fast.

 

[Rezillo]

Bird flu can be quickly and easily eradicated by adding a few drops of Lemsip or Daynurse to birdbaths. Obviously, you would have to put Nightnurse in the birdbaths for owls.

Drivers: If a car breaks down or stalls in front of you, beep your horn and wave your arms frantically. This should help the car start and send them on their way.

 

[Markymark]

Cyclists, get to your destination quicker and less tired by simply not using your brakes which only slow you down.

 

[Drago]

Don't waste money on an expensive day out in London. Simply burn an old tyre and breathe in the fumes while a friend shouts verbal abuse and bumps into you repeatedly.