True Facts About Escarpment Richard, formerly known as Cliff.

[Drago]

Cliff is cutrently on a World tour for the BBC. Following a credible threat from Elvis Presely he was smuggled off the Director General's private jet in a wheelybin and relocated to an EasyJet DC3.

Cliff says he won't be deterred by such threats and vowed to carry on entertaining elderly spinsters for as long as they remain willing to buy his calendar.

 

[Drago]

According to his controversial new biography, as a child Cliff Richard was struck by a vintage Rolls driven by a dandy from Accrington. This left Cliff with locked-in syndrome, in which he was aware of what was going on arohnd him but could not move or communicate.

Not one to waste an opportunity, Cliff spent these months writing tunes in his head, including Living Doll, Millennium Prayer, and most notable, We Don't Talk Anymore.

 

[stephec]

Cliff Richard was turned down when he applied to go on Celebrity Bargain Hunt in case the auctioneers mistook him for a sale lot and tried to sell him.

 

[Dogtrousers]

Cliff Richard claims that he is the rightful king of Belgium

 

[Ming the Merciless]

Cliff recently won Celebrity Hunted. This was put down to no one recognising him. The hunters put out appeals to the public asking if thry had seen him. No one had.

 

[Drago]

Cliff Richard is the result of an unlikely tryst between Arilla the Hun and Dale Winton.

 

[Ming the Merciless]

Cliff made his millions from Cliff bars.

 

[Drago]

Cliff Richard tried to trademark the word "Cliff" but was beaten to it.

As a result he has changed his name to Escarpment to avoid having to pay the Port of Dover authorities £10 million annual royalties.

 

[Ming the Merciless]

Cliff tried to capitalise on this, releasing a single “The White Escarpments of Dover”. But the general view was “What a load of rubbish”, shortly before he got embroiled in a plagiarism row.

 

[Dogtrousers]

All of Cliff Richard's songs were written by Judith Chalmers

 

[stephec]

Is it just a coincidence that the phrase, 'will someone think of the children,' was first heard on the same day that Cliff sang at Wimbledon during the rain showers?

 

[Drago]

Escarpment Richard is facing further scrutiny. It has emerged that when a young fan asked why his new songs aren't as good as the old ones he lost his temper and subsequently gave her article in the fan magazine a lower than average review.

 

[SpokeyDokey]

Cliff Richard is emphatically not a person. Instead, it is a small stretch of vertiginous English coastline.

Legend has it that Richard the Lionheart was returning home after hacking Saracens into small chunks in the name of Christianity.

As he was crossing the Channel, homeward-bound, his old rheumy eyes spotted a fuzzy outline amongst the sea mists. Shouting out "what is that I see?" an oarsman with 20:20 vision replied "it's a cliff, Richard."

The name stuck, and many centuries later was misappropriated by a young male singer, named John 'Ever-young' Smith, whose birth-name was thought to be too uncool to guarantee chart topping success.

 

[Ming the Merciless]

Ecarpment Richard uses Bar Stewart as a brake on his bike.

 

[PeteXXX]

Escarpment Richard thought that Sherpa Tensing was a Nepalese variety of tea.