True Facts About Ross Kemp

[Mad Doug Biker]

If Ross Kemp had been involved with the Dambusters Raid.

... And yes, he'd have been the one with the squeaky voice:

https://www.facebook.com/share/r/16n7zpGzv6/?mibextid=wwXIfr

 

[Mad Doug Biker]

When Ross was 'down the Louvre', he stared at the Mona Lisa so much that she finally revealed who she actually was out of sheer intimidation.

 

[DRM]

Whilst filming his TV series Ross Kemp in Afghanistan, he was captured by 4 Taliban fighters, who made the dreadful mistake of sneaking up on him whilst he was having a quick "Jimmy Riddle" behind a tree, after making himself respectable, Ross Kemp quickly pushed his fingers into the barrels of their AK47's which misfired leaving the Taliban scorched & blackened, he then chased them all the way back to Camp Bastion where they were treated for shock, flash burns & exhaustion, the producers thought they might be in trouble with the MOD, but the British C.O had to accept Ross Kemps award, and was last seen cleaning the toilets, spud bashing & washing up

 

[accountantpete]

Ross Kemp might go"down the Louvre" but he loves going "Up The Arsenal"

 

[Drago]

The US invaded Afghanistan because Dubya heard rumours that the Taliban had called Ross Kemp a "ponce."

 

[DRM]

The “Hard Man” attributes are genetically passed down the male side of the Kemp family, for example Ross Kemps grandad was a spy in WW2 in Japan, after a night of boozing on sake, and guzzling wasabi coated nuts at. The Emperor’s Arms in Hiroshima , he thought it would be funny to show the locals his party trick, of putting a lit match to his f*rts, we all know what happened next, undeterred he did the same thing in Nagasaki a couple of days later, he was known as AGENT Enola Gay, as nobody would associate Mr Kemp Senior with that name

 

[Drago]

Ross Kemp's hard-man jeans and leather jacket look is so iconic Marlon Brando copied it for The Wild Ones.

Indeed, many have been inspired by Ross Kemp's iconic look. A certain multi tool was to be marketed as JML Magic Pliers until one of the PR men, a huge Kemp admirer, came up with the name "Leatherman."

Gene Hackman, himself a hard man of some repute, shaved his head in honour of Kemp to play Lex Luthor, and even the SAS refer to a bar fight as "doing a Ross."

 

[Mad Doug Biker]

People attribute the inspiration of the story of Moses parting the waves to have actually been a tsunami, but it was really Ross Kemp when he had his time machine.

 

[accountantpete]

Ross Kemp was the wisest of the Three Wise Men - he ditched the Myrrh and brought Bitcoin instead.

 

[lazybloke]

People attribute the inspiration of the story of Moses parting the waves to have actually been a tsunami, but it was really Ross Kemp when he had his time machine.

Here we go again

 

[lazybloke]

When Ross Kemp and Chris Rea get together, they play "Time machine top trumps"

 

[Mad Doug Biker]

Here we go again

With a time machine, we can go over and over again!

 

[Drago]

Ross Kemp has lost the contract to be the face of the Blackpool Tourist Board's latest campaign.

It would seem that a poster with Kemp in a Kitchener pose with the quote, "Don't be a ponce. Come to Blackpool. It's f%@&#£g bloody brilliant" is not quite what they envisaged.

 

[Hover Fly]

So, I was ambling down a street in Grange over Sands, when I espied Ross Kemp coming towards me, I checked my container of orange juice that I always carry for just such occasions, but as I did so Kemp must have spotted me, for he turned and ran off in the opposite direction; I gave chase and was almost on him when he suddenly stopped in his tracks and turned to face me, going down on his knees with his arms in the air, he pleaded for mercy, “Splosh me all you want, just don’t let that feathered horror get me!” he cried. At once I spotted the cause of his distress, a small white pigeon was on the path behind him. I took mercy on him and with a quick wave of my hand the bird was gone, being a sporting type I allowed Ross a 10 second start, however he made a tactical mistake and tried to take sanctuary in the station, which of course was closed, I caught him as he rattled at the door handle and cackling with terrible joy, gave him the sloshing of his life.

And she isn’t taking her “special” tablets now.

 

[DRM]

Ross Kemp has signed a partnership deal with Chris Rea to make use of The Turdis & Time Transit, Chris Rea is pilot & historical event recorder, Ross Kemp is body guard/doorman, the pair of them intend to travel time righting wrongs, however Iron Maiden aren't too pleased as they had to rewrite The Trooper, as Ross Kemp went on to the battlefield at Balaclava, shouting to the Russians "You're going home in a f*#k@%g ambulance" then doing a hard stare at their cannons, this warped the barrels, which misfired, killing most of them, The Light Brigade charged and finished the rest of the Russians off, Chris Rea filmed the whole thing on his iPhone, which will become a documentary, and he will also write/play the theme tune, whilst Ross Kemp is presenter, this will be the new series in "Ross Kemp Goes To...."