True Facts About Ross Kemp

[Drago]

Donald Tusk has stated today that he will not hesitate to order Ross Kemp be shot down if he intrudes into his Wife's "airspace" again.

 

[DRM]

Ross Kemp was hired by the soviets to tert the Berlin wall. Over the years he made 28 successful crossings undetected and by the late 80s the soviets realised they were on to a loser.

This pleased Kemp, who from then on found it so much easier to attend Moscow Dynamo ice hockey games.

Ross Kemp is a fluent German speaker, due to his frequent incursions across the Berlin Wall where he also used to play football for F.C Dynamo Dresden, with the club being linked with the Stasi, he learnt many state secrets from his team mates, and also made his fortune from selling them leather jackets that weren't up to his exacting standards, for undercover work, along with dodgy radio cassette players he would purchase from Trotters Independant Traders in Peckham, for the company Lada's & Moskovitch's

 

[lazybloke]

All Corona-viruses are currently in lockdown because they are terrified of accidentally infecting Ross Kemp

 

[Mad Doug Biker]

During the (so called 'Great') Train Robbery in 1963, it was actually Ross Kemp who coshed Driver Jack Mills on the head and threw his Secondman, David Whitby, down the embankment, leaving loco D326 and it's train for the abuse it would receive.

Neither men ever really recovered and died young. 😭

Ironically, Steve McFadden was later an extra in the 1988 film 'Buster' (using loco D306 at the Nene Valley Railway) I kid you not.

 

[Drago]

Ross Kemp has no fingerprints.

 

[accountantpete]

Ross Kemp will be hosting this year's Children In Need

Of National Service.

 

[Ming the Merciless]

Ross Kemp once walked into a bank, not to rob it, but to get change for a hundred-pound note. The clerk told him they were fresh out of fivers. He didn't get mad; he just sighed, picked up the entire vault door off its hinges, and put it on the counter. "You're telling me you've got no change," he boomed, "and this thing's full of it?" The manager appeared instantly with a stack of crisp notes, and Ross put the vault door back so gently it didn't even make a sound.

 

[DRM]

Ross Kemp has recently had a go at being a Bull Fighter, on his trip to Benidorm, however he got the wrong end of the stick, when the Bull was knocked out twice within 3 minutes, and Ross won on points the Bull received veterinary care, and was treated for concussion, bruises & a fat lip, locals said they have never seen a Matador fight a Bull like that, ever!

 

[Drago]

When robbing a bank the ever kinky Ross Kemp insists on wearing fishnet stocking over his head.

 

[accountantpete]

The Schools Minister has announced a new range of reading books for Infants - the Janet and John and Ross Kemp collection.

 

[PeteXXX]

Ross Kemp is arachnophobic 🕸️ 🕷️

 

[Drago]

Ross Kemp's stint in the West End as Jean Valjean in Les Miserables came to a premature end when he headbutted Inspector Javert, played by national treasure Derek Jacobi, and screamed, " 'ave it, you filth ponce!"

Derek Jacobi, ever the professional, remained in character as he said, "you're nicked Mitchell," and handcuffed the angry leading man, before leading Kemp off stage to roars of applause.

 

[Dogtrousers]

The theatre world laments the fact that Ross Kemp, probably Britain's finest actor, will never perform the great Shakespearian roles, due to his refusal to wear tights.

"Such a missed opportunity" said Sir Ian McKellen, sadly.

"Wodger fink I am? Some kind of lady boy?" Kemp replied.

 

[Drago]

The theatre world laments the fact that Ross Kemp, probably Britain's finest actor, will never perform the great Shakespearian roles, due to his refusal to wear tights.

"Such a missed opportunity" said Sir Ian McKellen, sadly.

"Wodger fink I am? Some kind of lady boy?" Kemp replied.

Post of the day!

 

[Drago]

Ross Kemp is to star in the small screen serial adaption of the Omega Man. Walford will be standing in as the apocalyptic hellssape as the director has calculated the cost of tidying it up for the part will be minimal.