True Facts About Ross Kemp

[teeonethousand]

Ross Kemp was once asked to stand on the White Cliffs of Dover and stare out across the channel.....not sure why

 

[Drago]

Hitlers famous kommando order of 1942 decreed that any german personnel fleeing an armed incursion by Ross Kemp will be issued with a weeks supply of valium and fresh underwear.

 

[Mad Doug Biker]

Ross Kemp was once asked to stand on the White Cliffs of Dover and stare out across the channel.....not sure why

Some people say that he's still there and that even the seagulls do not fly within 500 feet of him.

 

[Drago]

To ensure aircraft safety the Civil Aviation Authority have imposed a 5km radius no-fly zone around Ross Kemp

 

[DRM]

Ross Kemp once visited Morecambe Beach, that is why the sea is such a long way out, as the tide is still too scared to come in

 

[Drago]

Andy McNab has a poster of Ross Kemp on his bedroom wall.

 

[Hover Fly]

I

Ross Kemp once visited Morecambe Beach, that is why the sea is such a long way out, as the tide is still too scared to come in

Now we know that’s a lie, Rose Kemp would never go to Morecambe as he would be far to close to Moon Bunny and her orange juice.

 

[teeonethousand]

Ross Kemp is being recognised by naming a new element, Kemponium after him. Kemponium is said to be ultra hard and able to repel weaker elements with a single stare. That is the truth!

 

[Drago]

In the 1970s Volvo bumpers used the same engineering principles as Ross Kemp's fists, and the leather on the GLE seats was from jackets discarded by the eponymous hard man. Thus Volvo were the safest cars on the road.

 

[Ming the Merciless]

In 1979 Ross Kemp was launched into space to deflect an asteroid. Ross deflected it with his little finger, and all life on Earth was saved. Hollywood made a film about it, starring Bruce Willis, but deviated significantly from the truth.

 

[Drago]

It is commonly believed that Hiroshima was target of a nuclear weapon in 1945.

This is incorrect.

Kemp had been working undercover for the US army and wa in a sushi bar when he overheard one of the locals say something unkind about Barbara Windsor.

A furious Kemp challenged the man, who refused to apologise. An almighty fight ensured resulting in widespread devastation and the death of 70,000 Japanese Coronation Street fans.

His cover now blown, Kemp went on the run and holed up in Nagasaki while awaiting extraction.

News of Kemp working for the US would have caused a major diplomatic incident so the American government went to elaborate lengths to fabricate a story about the atom bomb.

Coincidentally, Kemp's fists have "love" and "hate" tattooed across the knuckles, which in Japanese translates as Fat Man and Little Boy.

 

[lazybloke]

The Grim Reaper is currently without scythe; it's been sent for sharpening after he unsuccessfully tried to take Ross Kemp's soul.

 

[Drago]

A few years ago shopkeepers took to deterring shoplifters by placing a picture of Ross Kemp at the entrance to their store.

Sadly it also deterred customers and the businesses folded, leaving high streets full of charity shops selling Kemp's discarded leather jackets.

 

[Mad Doug Biker]

Now we know that’s a lie, Rose Kemp would never go to Morecambe as he would be far to close to Moon Bunny and her orange juice.

Rose never had a sex change operation, she just stared at herself in the mirror and her body changed out of fear.

 

[Drago]

Ross Kemp gets so many leather jackets covered in blood his tailor cant keep up, so he had taken to draping a live cow across his shoulders until new stock arrives.