True Facts About Ross Kemp

[Drago]

Ross Kemp is instrumental in brining a ceasefire to rhe middle-east, threatening to "chin" Netenyahu and "bag" any Hamas member that doesn't surrender.

 

[Ming the Merciless]

Ross Kemp was disputing his broadband bill this afternoon and refusing to pay it. Vodafone threatened to cut him off. No one threatens Ross, so he cut them off.

 

[Way-Out-West]

Ross Kemp has the same nutritional profile as a pork chop.

 

[Dogtrousers]

Ross Kemp is furious that he was not awarded the Nobel prize for hardness.

 

[Drago]

At a recent press conference Ross Kemp embarrassed Keir Starmer by name checking "my favourite ponce", and then stepping in front of him as he was about to speak.

The diminutive PM is outraged and has announced plans to recognise statehood for Pimlico in retaliation.

An angry Kemp has in turn threatened to release the Gary Glitter files and bring the government down.

 

[accountantpete]

Ross Kemp's hard drive is not manly enough for his new pc - he wants a well hard drive instead.

 

[DRM]

https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/articles/cddr75v3relo
Ross Kemp recently trained as an HGV Driver, for a planned TV series, highlighting different careers, however, filming is on hold indefinatly after the first part showed Ross become a tanker driver, and make his first unaccompanied deliveries, it is unknown why filming was closed down.

 

[Ming the Merciless]

The anti virus on Ross Kemp’s computer traces the source of any attempted infection, and launches cruise missiles at the hackers location.

 

[Drago]

Ross Kemp was the actor originally hired to play Gunnery Sergeant Hartman in Full Metal Jacket. However, once filming commenced Stanley Kubrick quickly realised that, "shut it, you hoity toity bunch of girly ponces" was not suitable Vietnam era vernacular.

Kemp was fired and his US equivalent, R. Lee Ermey, was hired to replace him.

 

[DRM]

In one of Ross Kemps military documentaries, he is filmed accidentally stepping onto the parade square, but was spotted by the RSM, who very loudly shouted at him to "Gerroff my square, you horrible little man"! so Ross did, but he also rolled the tarmac up and sold it to the council, to make a car park

 

[Drago]

When Ross Kemp was in the SAS he refused to wear a berets, and would refer to is as a "poncey French titfer."

Because of Kemp's high kill record he was given special dispensation by Thatcher to wear a bowler hat.

 

[accountantpete]

Banksy's only portrait work was of Ross Kemp painted on a WWII Anderson Shelter in Marlow.

 

[Drago]

A fuming Ross Kemp arrived home to find a Banksy on the wall of the Queen Vic.

A few phone calls later the damage had been painted over, and a mysterious 6 foot long earth mound appeared overnight in Albert Square.

 

[DRM]

Ross Kemps trip to Clacton On Sea went down hill rather rapidly earlier this year, on arrival he purchased a bucket & spade, and a cheap inflatable dinghy, so he could have a little bit of fun in the sea, after squeezing into his budgie smugglers under cover of a beach towel, he inflated his newly acquired dinghy & set sail, unfortunately, all hell broke loose when someone reported "A possible visitor from France" near the beach, and The towns Bobby was summoned to apprehend this suspected illegal floating visitor, after much explaining, Ross was released without charge, but the whole experience soured his day , it was so late when he was released, that, not only were his clothes stolen, along with his bucket & spade he also missed out on his Fish n Chip lunch, stick of rock, and his Mr Whippy 99, with sprinkles & sauce, but he did find out that it was a man in a flat cap & tweed suit, having a pint, that grassed him up, one witness said he looked like Toad of Toad Hall, since then the MP for Clacton On Sea has kept a very low profile indeed, and is rarely seen around the town

 

[Dogtrousers]

As a joke, one farmer decided to use a cardboard cut-out of Ross Kemp as a scarecrow. His crops died and all of the local wildlife fled to a neighboring county.