True Facts About Ross Kemp

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DRM

Guru
Location
West Yorks
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Ross Kemp was photographed after receiving the news that The Queen Vice's Social Clubs visit to next years World Cup, have had their U.S visa's revoked, however he said in an official statement "God help any Border Control Agents that get between me & an England match"
As a precaution most I.C.E, Border Control & Police Officers have booked June 11th to July 19th 2026 off for their annual vacation, the rest will probably ring in sick
 
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Drago

Drago

Legendary Member
In the forthcoming Guy Ritchie remake of War of the Worlds we see Ross Kemp sending the invaders scurrying with a flurry of gut-punches and head butts.

Ritchie hopes this will be better received than Kemp's previous sci-fi effort, 2001: A Poncey Odyssey, where he voiced HAL9000.
 
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Drago

Drago

Legendary Member
We have Ross Kemp to thank for chips no longer being wrapped up and sold in newspaper.

During a print strike Kemp's local chippy was unable to get supplies of the Daily Sport, Ross Kemp's favourite paper, and had to resort to wrapping chips in the Financial Times and The Guardian.

When Kemp popped in for a portion of chips (salt and vinegar), a jumbo battered sausage and curry sauce he was apolpleptic with rage at seeing his dinner wrapped up in "that poncey rubbish" and headbutted the owner, before using the battered sausage as a club to beat up the rest of the staff and smash up the joint.

Since the Krays are too frightened to offer Ross Kemp insurance, chip show owners across the nation now use plain paper to avoid upsetting the country's hardest man, although Beale's chippy wraps Kemp's dinner in £50 notes.
 
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Drago

Drago

Legendary Member
On the 1st January 2026 the people of Hong Kong will be celebrating the year of the kemp.
 

DRM

Guru
Location
West Yorks
https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/articles/c4g4g5lgngvo
Ross Kemp has denied that his latest business venture, K.A.D.D (Kemp's Aerobatic Drone Displays) Ltd was responsible for another disaster, as their remote control computer programme went to pot, and instead of performing an aerobatic display, all 91 drones disappeared over the horizon & struck Putin's house in the Novgorod Region of North West Russia, Putin is said to apoplectic with rage, as he is too scared to call out Ross Kemp for wrecking his house & knocking his Christmas Tree over, as well as damaging his favourite Lada Riva Estate, finished in baby poo beige, which was parked in the garage.
 
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Drago

Drago

Legendary Member
Ross Kemp has headbutted Anthony Joshua during an argument over an unpaid bar tab at the Queen Vice.

The ex champ is so alarmed at being easily decked by the East End hard man his recently discovered long lost Uncle has staged a car accident in Nigeria to give AJ a credible excuse for his injuries.
 
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