True Facts About Ross Kemp

[DRM]

Ross Kemp was photographed after receiving the news that The Queen Vice's Social Clubs visit to next years World Cup, have had their U.S visa's revoked, however he said in an official statement "God help any Border Control Agents that get between me & an England match"
As a precaution most I.C.E, Border Control & Police Officers have booked June 11th to July 19th 2026 off for their annual vacation, the rest will probably ring in sick

 

[Drago]

In the forthcoming Guy Ritchie remake of War of the Worlds we see Ross Kemp sending the invaders scurrying with a flurry of gut-punches and head butts.

Ritchie hopes this will be better received than Kemp's previous sci-fi effort, 2001: A Poncey Odyssey, where he voiced HAL9000.

 

[accountantpete]

Day 25 of the Ross Kemp Advent Calendar reveals Prince Andrew lying across the knees of some Queen Vice regulars including Ross himself.

 

[Drago]

Ross Kemp has been suspended for 6 months by the GMC for calling a French patient a "cheese eating surrender monkey" and repeatedly turning up for strike late.

 

[DRM]

https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/articles/cjez8n5p9jxo
the Met Office has warned of 65 Mph gusts of wind across Wales on Xmas Day, it is believed Ross Kemp is visiting Wales for the Xmas break & has stocked up on his favourite Brussels Sprouts from Walford Market, Welsh residents have been warned to keep all windows & doors closed & to stay indoors.

 

[Drago]

Ross Kemp is an organ donor. He gave Barabara Windsor's old Bontempi organ to the Oxfam shop.

 

[Drago]

We have Ross Kemp to thank for chips no longer being wrapped up and sold in newspaper.

During a print strike Kemp's local chippy was unable to get supplies of the Daily Sport, Ross Kemp's favourite paper, and had to resort to wrapping chips in the Financial Times and The Guardian.

When Kemp popped in for a portion of chips (salt and vinegar), a jumbo battered sausage and curry sauce he was apolpleptic with rage at seeing his dinner wrapped up in "that poncey rubbish" and headbutted the owner, before using the battered sausage as a club to beat up the rest of the staff and smash up the joint.

Since the Krays are too frightened to offer Ross Kemp insurance, chip show owners across the nation now use plain paper to avoid upsetting the country's hardest man, although Beale's chippy wraps Kemp's dinner in £50 notes.

 

[Ming the Merciless]

On further investigation the GMC have found out that Ross qualified as a doctor by repeatedly winning the game Operation. They were looking into how this is possible, until Ross told them he’d stick it where the sun doesn’t shine.

 

[Drago]

On the 1st January 2026 the people of Hong Kong will be celebrating the year of the kemp.

 

[DRM]

On the 1st January 2026 the people of Hong Kong will be celebrating the year of the kemp.

this was in honour of his last visit, when his arrival made the Triads flee in fear of their lives

 

[Drago]

Thousand year old Ross Kemp is a popular delicacy in China, the name inspired by the great man's career.

 

[DRM]

https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/articles/c4g4g5lgngvo
Ross Kemp has denied that his latest business venture, K.A.D.D (Kemp's Aerobatic Drone Displays) Ltd was responsible for another disaster, as their remote control computer programme went to pot, and instead of performing an aerobatic display, all 91 drones disappeared over the horizon & struck Putin's house in the Novgorod Region of North West Russia, Putin is said to apoplectic with rage, as he is too scared to call out Ross Kemp for wrecking his house & knocking his Christmas Tree over, as well as damaging his favourite Lada Riva Estate, finished in baby poo beige, which was parked in the garage.

 

[Drago]

Ross Kemp has headbutted Anthony Joshua during an argument over an unpaid bar tab at the Queen Vice.

The ex champ is so alarmed at being easily decked by the East End hard man his recently discovered long lost Uncle has staged a car accident in Nigeria to give AJ a credible excuse for his injuries.

 

[Drago]

Another unpaid bar tab has seen Ross Kemp use a cricket bat to trash Vlad Putins gaff. The Ukraine military have been quick to take credit for Kemp's handiwork.