Any good jokes ... ?

[Cavalol]

Someone just asked me to sing any line from ‘Don’t Go Breaking My Heart.’

I couldn't if I tried.

 

[CharlesF]

I miss my umbilical cord,

I grew attached to it.

 

[burntoutbanger]

A few years ago I started drinking brake fluid rather frequently, my family were worried I was getting addicted...

...but I knew I could stop at any time.

 

[Cavalol]

Was in the pub last week when these four huge lads started mouthing off at us. 'Quick', my mate said, 'pretend we're the police'.

I got half way through the first verse of 'Roxanne' before they kicked the cr*p out of us.

 

[betty swollocks]

I'm posting this one for its humour value, not its political message and it only really works because of the naughty word used, so/but it may get deleted: never mind.

 

[rikki]

An eight year old girl went to work with her father on "Bring your child to work day".
As they were walking around the office, the young girl started crying and getting cranky.
Her father asked her what was wrong.
As the staff gathered round, the girl sobbed loudly:
"Daddy, where are all the clowns that you said you worked with".

 

[Milzy]

Who won the 1939-40 Tour de France?
“The 7th Panzer division”
Didn’t get a Yellow jersey but the French gave them a white flag.

 

[Cavalol]

For my next trick, I'll conjure up animal feed in a defunct supermarket...

Hay Presto!

 

[Cavalol]

Whoever said cod liver oil is good for joints is badly mistaken. I’ve just smoked one and it was disgusting.

 

[Cavalol]

Our local police sergeant gave a talk on drugs last night.



Couldn't understand a word he said.

 

[Andy in Germany]

One day in Hell, the Devil was looking unusually pleased with himself: cackling and grinning and doing the occasional dance on his trotters. Eventually a junior fiend asked what he was so happy about.
"Well," said the Devil. "I persuaded God, that when he designs humans, they should all have five toes, including a really little one on the corner of their foot."
"Yes, so what?" said the fiend, utterly confused.
"Wait until these humans start inventing furniture." said the Devil. "It'll be hilarious."

 

[Cavalol]

This morning, I did a nude streak in an owl sanctuary. That turned a few heads.

 

[Cavalol]

I do like a working lunch. Today I expect my sandwiches to do the ironing.

 

[Cavalol]

I've been a vegetarian for so long that I've started to lean towards the sunlight.

 

[Dayvo]