Comedy one liners that stick.

[tdr1nka]

'Spoons! Spoons! So many spoons, so little time!'

 

[PaulB]

I'm off to see the Bootleg Beatles...with the bootleg Mark Chapman.

 

[Maizie]

Not so much a one-liner...a very brief Comic Relief sketch, I think.

Jimmy Nail sitting at desk.
Bob Hoskins bursts in with a load of 'heavies': "Right, where's my money"
Jimmy looks at calendar, frowns: "The money's not due until next Easter"
Bob: "Next Easter? Oh..." Flaps at heavies to leave.

Words come up on screen: The Wrong Good Friday.

 

[amnesia]

Cue Blackadder...

"We've progressed about as far as an asthmatic ant with a heavy load of shopping... and a slight limp"


"I'd rather French kiss a skunk"


Percy - "I'd like to see a Spaniard that can get past me"
B.A. - "Well go to Spain - there's millions of them !"

 

[WeeE]

Years ago, in the smoke-filled (as it then was) BBC canteen, no trays left, no tables left, my workmate - a very petite, slim and good-looking girl - was picking her way past a row of legs stretched out between two couches, edging around the coffee tables, balancing a heaped-up breakfast plate, toast, coffee, danish, couple of Mars bars for later. Robbie Coltrane, nearly the same height as her sitting down, paused in his conversation and heaved his feet in to let her pass, eyeing her up appreciatively while she tiptoed by, completely oblivious.
As the giant-full-English passed almost under his nose, he took a drag on his ciggy and muttered, "You'll get fat".
She glanced up just as he exhaled. "You'll stunt your growth."

 

[Over The Hill]

22 minutes late - badger on the line at Bethnal Green.

Reggie Perrin of course.

 

[karen.488walker]

M "You always were a cunning linguist James"

 

[swee'pea99]

Years ago, in the smoke-filled (as it then was) BBC canteen, no trays left, no tables left, my workmate - a very petite, slim and good-looking girl - was picking her way past a row of legs stretched out between two couches, edging around the coffee tables, balancing a heaped-up breakfast plate, toast, coffee, danish, couple of Mars bars for later. Robbie Coltrane, nearly the same height as her sitting down, paused in his conversation and heaved his feet in to let her pass, eyeing her up appreciatively while she tiptoed by, completely oblivious.
As the giant-full-English passed almost under his nose, he took a drag on his ciggy and muttered, "You'll get fat".
She glanced up just as he exhaled. "You'll stunt your growth."

Excellent!

Friend of mine on the tube once thought he recognised the woman opposite, but couldn't bring her name to mind. Just as she got up to leave the train, it came to him. 'Victoria Wood, isn't it?' She shot him a smile: 'Clapham Common', she said, and skipped off.

 

[Speicher]

Two members of parliament about one hundred years ago

Sir, you will die either of syphillis or the hangman's noose.

The reply

That, Sir, depends whether I embrace your Mistress or your principles.

 

[Perfect Virgo]

"She's got a tongue like an electric eel and she likes the taste of a man's tonsils!"
Lord Flasheart, Blackadder.

(Among many.)

 

[mik]

mrs merton talking to bernard manning

so bernard who will you be voting for now that hitlers dead

 

[zacklaws]

Rising Damp

Rigsby tries to extol the virtues of Alan being in the attic room:-


"There's nothing between this house and the Urals. You're breathing the same air as the Tartars, I should charge you extra"


Alan is horrified when Rigsby shows him a coffin stored in a cupboard:-


"Well of course it's a coffin. What did you think it was, a cocktail cabinet?"


New tenant Mr. Gray remarks on the water running down the walls of his room to Rigsby:-


"What did you expect, champagne?
Just don't lean against the wallpaper, unless you want to be covered in Regency stripes."

 

[threebikesmcginty]

Can't remember which radio show, but..

'You never showed any initiative'

'Well you never asked me to'

 

[Browser]

I've got so many that I can't list them.
One, not from a commedian but a Brummie ex-colleague of my late fathers, describing a trainee they were attempting to educate;

"He's as much yause as a wun legged man in a aarse-kicking competition!"

(I've tried to spell certain words phonetically, as it doesn't sound anywhere near as funny if not done in a Brummie accent)

 

[alicat]

Something along the lines:

Eric: My wife says that if I don't give up golf she'll leave me.

Ernie: That's awful!

Eric: I know, I'll really miss her.