True Facts About Ross Kemp

[Drago]

Ross Kemp is in trouble. He told the Mafia he lived in Manchester, and the Vatican he lives in Hove, and the Daily Mail have outed him.

This is presumably a tactic to avoid paying protection money on his London grace and favour apartment provided by the Rand Corporation, and hes being accused of hypocrisy because he had previously accused Don Corleone of a similar tax dodge.

Even worse, some observers have suggested he's done a "chicken run", and that hes in danger of losing his daytime TV job in Manchester to Oswald Mosley in 2029, so he's bought a property in a safe seat to ensure he'll have a job on 60s Hits Coffin Dodging Radio AM if this should come to pass.

 

[stephec]

Whilst filming in a particularly ropey Siberian prison Ross Kemp got into a disagreement with a few inmates, he was so incensed that he was allowed to finish the argument that he gave them his address and told them to come round for a straightner when they were released, so far not one of them has taken up the offer.

 

[Drago]

Ross Kemp replaced Robert Llewllyn as Kryten for some episodes of season 5 of Red Dwarf while Llewellyn was being treated for gout.

It takes a keen mind to spot the difference, but the Kemp version of Kryten can be identified by virtue ofnthe fact that he regularly punches people out cold and says, "an excellent suggestion, ponces."

 

[Dogtrousers]

Ross Kemp played The Sun in the original Teletubbies series.

 

[raleighnut]

Ross Kemp played The Sun in the original Teletubbies series.

He tried playing the moon but misunderstood what it involved

 

[Dogtrousers]

The original theme song for Teletubbies was performed by Ross Kemp. Who could forget

"Tinky Winky, Dipsy, Lala, Po. Teletubbies, Teletubbies... 'ave it!"

 

[DRM]

He tried playing the moon but misunderstood what it involved

But it got him the part of "The Moon" in The Mighty Boosh TV series

View: https://youtu.be/V46rGTKkz7A

 

[accountantpete]

The local gym had "before and after" advertising pictures of Charles Hawtrey and Ross Kemp until Chuck Norris swapped them around

 

[Drago]

Ross Kemp challenged Benedict Cumberbatch to a duel, and Ross was most dismayed when his posh antagonist chose combat by chess.

 

[Way-Out-West]

In early trials of the bouncing bomb, Barnes Wallis repeatedly dropped Ross Kemp to save on dwindling munitions.

 

[accountantpete]

Ross Kemp was Keyser Söze

 

[DRM]

On this day in 1977, it was thought that the USSR conducted a nuclear test in Novaya Zemlya, however it was actually Ross Kemp on a cultural school exchange visit ,putting lit matches to his f@rts, showing off to his new Soviet friends.

 

[DRM]

On this day in 1983, it was thought that the USA conducted a nuclear test in Nevada, however it was actually Ross Kemp on his first visit to Las Vegas, putting lit matches to his f@rts, showing off to his new American friends.

 

[Drago]

During rehearsals for Reservoir Dogs, Ross Kemp chopped another actors ear off. Tareantino had no choice but to replace Kemp with the relatively stable Michael Madsen.

 

[accountantpete]

Ross Kemp offered The Matrix the option of a Blue or Red Pill.