accountantpete
OAP
The Astronomer Royal has announced that Ross Kemp's "star" on the Hollywood Walk Of Fame has been demoted to "dwarf planet" status alongside Pluto The Dog.
True Facts About Ross Kemp
- Thread starter Drago
- Start date
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OP
OP
Drago
Legendary Member
- Location
- Suburban Poshshire
In the remake of the film Deep Impact the comet smashing spaceship will be named the Fist of Kemp.
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DRM
Guru
- Location
- West Yorks
https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/articles/cyvgyr302rqo
In the above article, the BBC are praising a Welsh School for an almost 100% attendance record by it's pupils, what they fail to mention is that they employed Ross Kemp to drive the School Mini Bus, and collect the kids that would play truant, neither the kids or their parents want any hassle, so they just get on the mini bus, as it's just easier that way
In the above article, the BBC are praising a Welsh School for an almost 100% attendance record by it's pupils, what they fail to mention is that they employed Ross Kemp to drive the School Mini Bus, and collect the kids that would play truant, neither the kids or their parents want any hassle, so they just get on the mini bus, as it's just easier that way
DRM
Guru
- Location
- West Yorks
https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/articles/cdxwzwe507ko
Ross Kemp has recently adopted 4 German Shepherd Dogs, however the training hasn't gone too well, they simple seem not to understand English, however they did respond to the Malawian owner of an African Special Groceries shop down the road from the Queen Vice, when he asked Ross to sit, whilst being served, in his native language of Chichewa, the National language of Malawi, all four dogs promptly sat down, he then tried "paw" "lie down" & "walkies" the dogs responded accordingley, Ross now pops down to the African Grocers every evening, and, according to the shop owner his grasp of Chichewa is coming on in leaps & bounds, thanks to the Lessons he has been getting, along with his newly purchased English-Chichewa Dictionary, and the Duolingo App.
Ross Kemp has recently adopted 4 German Shepherd Dogs, however the training hasn't gone too well, they simple seem not to understand English, however they did respond to the Malawian owner of an African Special Groceries shop down the road from the Queen Vice, when he asked Ross to sit, whilst being served, in his native language of Chichewa, the National language of Malawi, all four dogs promptly sat down, he then tried "paw" "lie down" & "walkies" the dogs responded accordingley, Ross now pops down to the African Grocers every evening, and, according to the shop owner his grasp of Chichewa is coming on in leaps & bounds, thanks to the Lessons he has been getting, along with his newly purchased English-Chichewa Dictionary, and the Duolingo App.
OP
OP
Drago
Legendary Member
- Location
- Suburban Poshshire
Ross Kemp is banned from every branch of Waitrose for calling the self service checkout a "ponce" and headbutting the image of his own face on the security display.
Following this incident he was found not guilty of affray in court, when the magistrates agreed that the packet of XXX mints clearly were in the bagging area and the machine was "well out of order."
Following this incident he was found not guilty of affray in court, when the magistrates agreed that the packet of XXX mints clearly were in the bagging area and the machine was "well out of order."
A new stab vest has gone on trial with police forces in London, it's made of a new type of material that's an artificial copy of the skin on Ross Kemp's head.
Only last night a samurai sword snapped in two when struck against a new vest, and the auto rocket launchers deployed to subdue the assailant, there is no truth in the rumour though that the officer leant over the cowering crim and growled, 'ave it you ponce.'
Only last night a samurai sword snapped in two when struck against a new vest, and the auto rocket launchers deployed to subdue the assailant, there is no truth in the rumour though that the officer leant over the cowering crim and growled, 'ave it you ponce.'
matticus
Guru
Dogtrousers
Lefty tighty. Get it righty.
Ross Kemp is disputing his dismissal from the serving staff of the BBC canteen for alleged threatening behaviour.
He says his words were misinterpreted and by "Do you want some? Do you? Let's 'ave it then!" he only intended for the customer to pass their plate so that he could serve some baked beans.
He denies that his face was "contorted with rage" Saying: "That's just my natural look. It's all a big misunderstanding ... You ponce"
He says his words were misinterpreted and by "Do you want some? Do you? Let's 'ave it then!" he only intended for the customer to pass their plate so that he could serve some baked beans.
He denies that his face was "contorted with rage" Saying: "That's just my natural look. It's all a big misunderstanding ... You ponce"
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OP
OP
Drago
Legendary Member
- Location
- Suburban Poshshire
Ross Kemp was Pat Roach's stuntman for the scene in Raiders of the Lost Ark where Jones gets into a fist fight with the hulking great nazzie. For the sake of realism Kemp insisted on actually walking into the spinning propeller of the Horten flying wing aircraft.
OP
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Drago
Legendary Member
- Location
- Suburban Poshshire
There are those that think the appearance of Chris Rea's TURDIS outside the Queen Vice, had the sudden rise to power of a well built bald man in 1930s Italy is nothing than mere coincidence.
When questioned about this Mussolini denied any link between him and Rossi Kempius, adding "its is better to live like a lion for a day than spend a lifetime as a ponce."
When questioned about this Mussolini denied any link between him and Rossi Kempius, adding "its is better to live like a lion for a day than spend a lifetime as a ponce."
accountantpete
OAP
Some of Ross Kemp's schoolmates have gone public about his controversial views on the Relief Of Mafeking.
Ming the Merciless
There is no mercy
- Location
- Inside my skull
Safety kits are being handed out to cyclists in London. It consists of a Ross Kemp look alike kit, making them look bald, plus a leather jacket. It is said to be 100% effective.
Dogtrousers
Lefty tighty. Get it righty.
Branded as 'ard viz Guaranteed respectful behaviour from drivers.
OP
OP
Drago
Legendary Member
- Location
- Suburban Poshshire
In the 70s a certain pilthy fervert DJ promoted road safety with his "clunk, click, every trip" ads.
The idea is being brought up to date for a new campaign, although Ross Kemp's suggested "punch, kick, every twit driver" idea is unlikely to be adopted.
The idea is being brought up to date for a new campaign, although Ross Kemp's suggested "punch, kick, every twit driver" idea is unlikely to be adopted.
Mad Doug Biker
Banned from every bar in the Galaxy
- Location
- Craggy Island
He doesn't like to admit it, but Ross Kemp attended the Charles Hawtrey School Of Acting.
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