True Facts About Ross Kemp

[Ming the Merciless]

Ross Kemp has installed an anti crap courier device in his garden. Every time a courier lobs a parcel over his fence, the machine lobs a grenade at the courier’s vehicle. Ross doesn’t put up with crap couriers.

 

[Dogtrousers]

The police have withdrawn batons from issue and replaced them with posters of Ross Kemp. All an officer needs to do in order to subdue an unruly ruffian is to show them the poster. In nearly all cases this is sufficient to make them "come quietly, guv". For real hard cases the poster can be rolled up to make a weapon of unmatched lightness and lethality.

 

[Ming the Merciless]

Ross has opened a modem dance school with innovative moves such as “The Gaffer Grapple” and the “Knuckle Sandwich Shuffle”. It’s proving popular with a new generation of “dancers”.

 

[Dogtrousers]

Ross has opened a modem dance school with innovative moves such as “The Gaffer Grapple” and the “Knuckle Sandwich Shuffle”. It’s proving popular with a new generation of “dancers”.

Ross Kemp undertook this project in memory of his late twin brother Lindsay.

 

[DRM]

The Met Office have never named a storm Ross Kemp for fear it might flatten the entire country.

The U.S Met Office were going to name a Hurricane, Hurricane Kemp, however it lost a lot of it's destructive energy, so they called it Hurricane Katrina instead

 

[Drago]

Ross Kemp is so hard Charles Bronson pays him protection money and even elected to remain in prison for his own safety.

 

[accountantpete]

On Christmas Day 1916 in WWI, Ross Kemp insisted they play Murder Ball with the enemy instead of football.

 

[Drago]

While in prison, Ross Kemp took two Iraqi hijackers hostage.

He demanded a fully fueled 747, a pilot, and a Ford Capri 3.0 Ghia in exchange for their release.

The jet and pilot were arranged, but the only Capri available was a measly 2.0S.

 

[Mad Doug Biker]

The Met Office have never named a storm Ross Kemp for fear it might flatten the entire country.

I wish they would, so they can start again with this sh*thole country...


... Said Ross Kemp

 

[Dave7]

Some years ago Ross Kemp landed a part in Coronation Street. He fell out with and had an on-set fight with Ena Sharples.
He lost but it was a close thing.
He walked off in shame and never appeared on it again.

 

[Drago]

Ross Kemp is the only living person licenced to have a crazy frog ringtone,

 

[Drago]

Dwayne Johnson recently lost an arm wrestling match to Ross Kemp, and as a forfeit now has to mow the lawn at the Queen Vice while wearing Sharon's wedding dress.

 

[Ming the Merciless]

Fortunately being the east end the “lawn” is just paving slabs with bodies underneath.

 

[ebikeerwidnes]

Due to the current situation, the Army are looking for a new tank

but don't have the money so they have been looking at how to get better armour at a cheaper price

They have fortunately discovered that having normal steel as a body shell
but with a picture of Kemp on them is impenetrable to all forms of artillery
It is just so 'ard nothing can get through it

 

[Ming the Merciless]

He trains using 40lb Curling stones too!

As part of his ultimate training plan he finishes off with two 140lb Scottish curling stone ladies.