Discussion in 'CycleChat Cafe' started by Drago, 10 Nov 2018.
I would also like to know this! My current theory is that my TV defaults to the commercial channel.
Dear Slow but Daft,
Try switching to something other than the Shopping Channel,
Dear Uncle Drago,
I got so angry about all these phone calls what I got all day long from people trying to sell me all kinds of hunting carp that I took a stanley knife out of my drawer and hacked off the cord from my handset to the socket. Now no-one can ring me at all. Seen as how the only calls I ever got were from twits in Calcutta or Milton Keynes wanting me to claim back Payment Protection Insurance or spend two hours answering a twit survey, they can all get lost.
Now all I have to do is work out how to use this mobile phone I got for Christmas in 2000, and I'm sorted.
Dear Uncle Drago
With all the carbon frames I see recently, I can't help wonder that, in a few million years, mankind will be mining for bikes
Do you think such a thing is possible?
Dear Uncle Drago,
I live in the countryside (I hope to move into a house soon) and I feel I must put pen to paper (not that I have a pen, or any paper, but you must humour my whim I fear).
Now I am lost for words. It's all the brackets. That's what stymied me with the algh, the aljibrae, the algiebrar, the maths at school. I got bewildered by brackets. I always reckoned when I wrote my arto, orto, aughto, life story, I would call it "Bewildered By Brackets". That is, until I found out that Barry Lyndon, the 18th century rake and woodworker, had already used that title in a pamphlet explaining why he was giving up the woodwork for a life of European rakery. Well, his pamphlet was actually called "Bewildered by Bracketf" since they used to swap the letter f and the letter s around in those days, but it amounts to the same thing. It didn't do him any harm, because he got a 15-hour film made about him by Stanley Rubrick, the movie-maker and puzzle cube inventor.
Of course, I am aware that Lyndon's weren't the same kind of brackets as mine anyway. But I do think that the fact that Stanley Rubrick invented a cube puzzle is germane, though the story was originally written by Anthony Tolstoy, the novelist and inventor of the satellite which was named "Telstar" after him in a clever play on word-music. Then there was popular beat group The Shadows, who sang an instrumental hymn of praise to the majestic Telstar and combined it with an homage to the noble Apache, in a telling commentary on the march of progress.
Where was I? Ah, yes, being a country dweller I am appalled at the fact that, were I intending to attempt to speak to a young relative about the "birds and the bees", then I should be at a loss.
You can't get the birds, or the bees, these days. They have all been eradicated, be it by the farmer's pesti, inspesti, inspecto, insecta, stuff they spray on crops to kill insects.
You know, soon we will have a nation populated by eggo, eggsent, igorsent, selfish fools. We will be overrun by human parodies of themselves.
The countryside is no longer fit for kings as it indeed was in the day of yore, when Ethelred the Unsteady held sway, and Hereford the Wake carried people's bulls across the River Severn in defiance of King Norman's Magnum Carto which outlawed the transportation of livestock by means of cart without a permit in French (King Norman was something of a wordsmith, or perhaps his barons were, when you look at the way they utilised the French "carte" and the English "cart" in tandem).
Dear Mr Prattler,
The Radio Times have dismissed Bernard Farquhar the IIIIIIIIXVWSAQth after an unfortunate incident outside the ladies changing rooms in New Look. Luckily, the BBC had received a police tip off and were flying a helicopter over at the time and we captured the entire incident on film.
Whilst we cannot possibly comment while the matter is still subject to legal proceedings we would like to say that we are shocked and appalled by what we saw, and would like to confirm that Mr Farquhar, AKA Auntie Drago, AKA Guilty As Hell Filthy Pervert, is unable to reply to any more of his readers deranged witterings.
From the next post onwards Dianne Abbott will be responding to your letters, emails, and bricks with a bit of paper wrapped around them.
The Director General, BBC.
Try listening to the original version of Telstar, it will all become much clearer
Dear Auntie Abbot,
Why are you named after a large self-propelled gun?
Puzzled of Plymouth.
The self propelled gun is named after me, because we both look alike. So alike that Jeremy Corbyn once make a pass at one.
Dear Auntie Abbot
Find enclosed copies of letter sent following the receipt of "presents" from an admirer. What should I do?
Miss Agnes McHolstein
69 Cash Avenue
Beaver Valley, Colorado
I went to the door today and the postman delivered a partridge in a pear tree. What a thoroughly delightful gift. I couldn't have been more
With deepest love and devotion,
Today the postman brought your very sweet gift. Just imagine two turtle doves. I'm just delighted at your very thoughtful gift. They are just
All my love,
Oh! Aren't you the extravagant one. Now I really must protest. I don't deserve such generosity, Three French hens. They are just darling but I must insist, you've been too kind.
Today the postman delivered 4 calling birds. Now really, they are beautiful but don't you think enough is enough. You're being too romantic.
What a surprise. Today the postman delivered 5 golden rings; one for every finger. You're just impossible, but I love it. Frankly, all those birds squawking were beginning to get on my nerves.
All my love,
When I opened the door there were actually 6 geese a-laying on my front steps. So, you're back to the birds again, huh? Those geese are huge. Where will I ever keep them? The neighbors are complaining and I can't sleep through the racket.
What's with you and those crazy birds? 7 swans a-swimming. What kind of terrible joke is this? There's bird shoot all over the house, and they
never stop with the racket. I can't sleep at night and I'm a nervous wreck. It's not funny.
So stop sending me all these birds!
What are you? Some kind of sadist? Now there's 9 pipers playing. And boy, do they play. They've never stopped chasing those maids since they got here yesterday morning. They cows are getting upset, and they're stepping all over those screeching birds. What am I going to do? The neighbours have started a petition to evict me.
You'll get yours,
You Rotten Sadist,
Now there's 10 ladies dancing. I don't know why I call them ladies though. They've been messing with those pipers all night long. Now the cows can't
sleep and they've got the diarrhea. My living room is full of it. The Commissioner of Buildings has subpoenaed me to give cause why this
building shouldn't be condemned.
I'm sticking the police on you.
One who means it.
What's with the 11 lords a-leaping on those maids and ladies. Some of those broads will never walk again. Those pipers ran through the maids and
have been committing sodomy with the cows. All 23 of the birds are dead. They've been trampled to death. I hope you're satisfied, you rotten, vicious swine.
Your sworn enemy,
Badger, Bender and Cahole
303 Knave Street
This is to acknowledge your latest gift of 12 fiddlers fiddling which you have seen fit to inflict on our client, Miss Agnes McHolstein.
The destruction, of course, was total.
All further correspondence should come to our attention. If you should attempt to reach Miss McHolstein at Happy Dale Sanitarium, the attendants have instructions to shoot you on sight. With this letter please find attached warrant for your arrest.
Badger, Bender and Cahole
Dear Aunty Drago,We have decided to have turkey for Christmas this year.Can you tell me what do turkeys eat and will the poo stain the sofa and carpet.
Dear Aunty Drago
What is it with naming storms after Coronation Street characters ?
First it was Gales and now Storm Deirdre
Dear Uncle Drago.
I thought I had my cycling habit under control because I was just commuting and getting the shopping on a bike, but in recent weeks I found myself looking more and more at cycle touring videos, and even Randonneuring sites.
Now I've started looking at maps and planning longer tours to places that most people would only travel to by car. I've even started taking an interest in training plans.
Is there any hope or should I just give in?
Give in and you'll end up going no-where.
Go against the wind.
My dearest uncle Drago,
I really enjoyed the Christmas festivities this year and woke up in a great mood this morning but when I tried to button my trousers the button shot off and cracked the bedroom window. I feel that the quality of stitching in clothes these days isn't what it used to be, What would you recommend to prevent such accidents happening in future?
Separate names with a comma.