Uncle Drago's agony column

Discussion in 'CycleChat Cafe' started by Drago, 10 Nov 2018.

  1. LeetleGreyCells

    LeetleGreyCells Cycliste en formation

    I would also like to know this! My current theory is that my TV defaults to the commercial channel.
     
    kevin_cambs_uk likes this.
  2. OP
    OP
    Drago

    Drago Flouncing Nobber

    Location:
    Valhalla
    Dear Slow but Daft,

    Try switching to something other than the Shopping Channel,

    Love,

    Auntry Drago.
     
  3. classic33

    classic33 Legendary Member

    Dear Uncle Drago,

    I got so angry about all these phone calls what I got all day long from people trying to sell me all kinds of hunting carp that I took a stanley knife out of my drawer and hacked off the cord from my handset to the socket. Now no-one can ring me at all. Seen as how the only calls I ever got were from twits in Calcutta or Milton Keynes wanting me to claim back Payment Protection Insurance or spend two hours answering a twit survey, they can all get lost.

    Now all I have to do is work out how to use this mobile phone I got for Christmas in 2000, and I'm sorted.


    Carl Embolism
    Staines
     
    postman likes this.
  4. Threevok

    Threevok President of the Not From Brazil party

    Location:
    South Wales
    Dear Uncle Drago

    With all the carbon frames I see recently, I can't help wonder that, in a few million years, mankind will be mining for bikes

    Do you think such a thing is possible?
     
  5. classic33

    classic33 Legendary Member

    Dear Uncle Drago,

    I live in the countryside (I hope to move into a house soon) and I feel I must put pen to paper (not that I have a pen, or any paper, but you must humour my whim I fear).

    Now I am lost for words. It's all the brackets. That's what stymied me with the algh, the aljibrae, the algiebrar, the maths at school. I got bewildered by brackets. I always reckoned when I wrote my arto, orto, aughto, life story, I would call it "Bewildered By Brackets". That is, until I found out that Barry Lyndon, the 18th century rake and woodworker, had already used that title in a pamphlet explaining why he was giving up the woodwork for a life of European rakery. Well, his pamphlet was actually called "Bewildered by Bracketf" since they used to swap the letter f and the letter s around in those days, but it amounts to the same thing. It didn't do him any harm, because he got a 15-hour film made about him by Stanley Rubrick, the movie-maker and puzzle cube inventor.

    Of course, I am aware that Lyndon's weren't the same kind of brackets as mine anyway. But I do think that the fact that Stanley Rubrick invented a cube puzzle is germane, though the story was originally written by Anthony Tolstoy, the novelist and inventor of the satellite which was named "Telstar" after him in a clever play on word-music. Then there was popular beat group The Shadows, who sang an instrumental hymn of praise to the majestic Telstar and combined it with an homage to the noble Apache, in a telling commentary on the march of progress.

    Where was I? Ah, yes, being a country dweller I am appalled at the fact that, were I intending to attempt to speak to a young relative about the "birds and the bees", then I should be at a loss.

    You can't get the birds, or the bees, these days. They have all been eradicated, be it by the farmer's pesti, inspesti, inspecto, insecta, stuff they spray on crops to kill insects.

    You know, soon we will have a nation populated by eggo, eggsent, igorsent, selfish fools. We will be overrun by human parodies of themselves.

    The countryside is no longer fit for kings as it indeed was in the day of yore, when Ethelred the Unsteady held sway, and Hereford the Wake carried people's bulls across the River Severn in defiance of King Norman's Magnum Carto which outlawed the transportation of livestock by means of cart without a permit in French (King Norman was something of a wordsmith, or perhaps his barons were, when you look at the way they utilised the French "carte" and the English "cart" in tandem).

    Blodwyn Rattler
    Cullompton
     
  6. OP
    OP
    Drago

    Drago Flouncing Nobber

    Location:
    Valhalla
    Dear Mr Prattler,

    The Radio Times have dismissed Bernard Farquhar the IIIIIIIIXVWSAQth after an unfortunate incident outside the ladies changing rooms in New Look. Luckily, the BBC had received a police tip off and were flying a helicopter over at the time and we captured the entire incident on film.

    Whilst we cannot possibly comment while the matter is still subject to legal proceedings we would like to say that we are shocked and appalled by what we saw, and would like to confirm that Mr Farquhar, AKA Auntie Drago, AKA Guilty As Hell Filthy Pervert, is unable to reply to any more of his readers deranged witterings.

    From the next post onwards Dianne Abbott will be responding to your letters, emails, and bricks with a bit of paper wrapped around them.

    Kind regards,

    The Director General, BBC.
     
    classic33 and raleighnut like this.
  7. raleighnut

    raleighnut Guru

    Location:
    On 3 Wheels
    Try listening to the original version of Telstar, it will all become much clearer


    View: https://youtu.be/4B7ypA1fSwU
     
    classic33 and Drago like this.
  8. classic33

    classic33 Legendary Member

    Dear Auntie Abbot,

    Why are you named after a large self-propelled gun?

    Puzzled of Plymouth.
     
    NorthernDave and Threevok like this.
  9. OP
    OP
    Drago

    Drago Flouncing Nobber

    Location:
    Valhalla
    Dear Arthur,

    The self propelled gun is named after me, because we both look alike. So alike that Jeremy Corbyn once make a pass at one.

    Love,

    Dianne.
     
    classic33 likes this.
  10. classic33

    classic33 Legendary Member

    Dear Auntie Abbot

    Find enclosed copies of letter sent following the receipt of "presents" from an admirer. What should I do?

    Miss Agnes McHolstein
    69 Cash Avenue
    Beaver Valley, Colorado


    Dearest John:

    I went to the door today and the postman delivered a partridge in a pear tree. What a thoroughly delightful gift. I couldn't have been more
    surprised.

    With deepest love and devotion,
    Agnes


    Dearest John:

    Today the postman brought your very sweet gift. Just imagine two turtle doves. I'm just delighted at your very thoughtful gift. They are just
    adorable.

    All my love,
    Agnes

    Dearest John:

    Oh! Aren't you the extravagant one. Now I really must protest. I don't deserve such generosity, Three French hens. They are just darling but I must insist, you've been too kind.

    Love,
    Agnes

    Dear John,

    Today the postman delivered 4 calling birds. Now really, they are beautiful but don't you think enough is enough. You're being too romantic.

    Affectionately,
    Agnes

    Dearest John:

    What a surprise. Today the postman delivered 5 golden rings; one for every finger. You're just impossible, but I love it. Frankly, all those birds squawking were beginning to get on my nerves.

    All my love,
    Anges

    Dear John:

    When I opened the door there were actually 6 geese a-laying on my front steps. So, you're back to the birds again, huh? Those geese are huge. Where will I ever keep them? The neighbors are complaining and I can't sleep through the racket.

    Please stop.

    Cordially,
    Agnes

    John:

    What's with you and those crazy birds? 7 swans a-swimming. What kind of terrible joke is this? There's bird shoot all over the house, and they
    never stop with the racket. I can't sleep at night and I'm a nervous wreck. It's not funny.

    So stop sending me all these birds!

    Sincerely,
    Agnes

    Hey! Meathead,

    What are you? Some kind of sadist? Now there's 9 pipers playing. And boy, do they play. They've never stopped chasing those maids since they got here yesterday morning. They cows are getting upset, and they're stepping all over those screeching birds. What am I going to do? The neighbours have started a petition to evict me.

    You'll get yours,
    Agnes

    You Rotten Sadist,

    Now there's 10 ladies dancing. I don't know why I call them ladies though. They've been messing with those pipers all night long. Now the cows can't
    sleep and they've got the diarrhea. My living room is full of it. The Commissioner of Buildings has subpoenaed me to give cause why this
    building shouldn't be condemned.

    I'm sticking the police on you.

    One who means it.

    Listen! Looser,

    What's with the 11 lords a-leaping on those maids and ladies. Some of those broads will never walk again. Those pipers ran through the maids and
    have been committing sodomy with the cows. All 23 of the birds are dead. They've been trampled to death. I hope you're satisfied, you rotten, vicious swine.

    Your sworn enemy,
    Agnes


    Law Offices
    Badger, Bender and Cahole
    303 Knave Street
    Chicago, Illinois

    Dear Sir:

    This is to acknowledge your latest gift of 12 fiddlers fiddling which you have seen fit to inflict on our client, Miss Agnes McHolstein.
    The destruction, of course, was total.

    All further correspondence should come to our attention. If you should attempt to reach Miss McHolstein at Happy Dale Sanitarium, the attendants have instructions to shoot you on sight. With this letter please find attached warrant for your arrest.

    Cordially,
    Badger, Bender and Cahole

    Wits End.
     
  11. postman

    postman Legendary Member

    Location:
    Meanwood ,Leeds
    Dear Aunty Drago,We have decided to have turkey for Christmas this year.Can you tell me what do turkeys eat and will the poo stain the sofa and carpet.
     
  12. Threevok

    Threevok President of the Not From Brazil party

    Location:
    South Wales
    Dear Aunty Drago

    What is it with naming storms after Coronation Street characters ?

    First it was Gales and now Storm Deirdre
     
  13. Dear Uncle Drago.

    I thought I had my cycling habit under control because I was just commuting and getting the shopping on a bike, but in recent weeks I found myself looking more and more at cycle touring videos, and even Randonneuring sites.

    Now I've started looking at maps and planning longer tours to places that most people would only travel to by car. I've even started taking an interest in training plans.

    Is there any hope or should I just give in?
     
    Pat "5mph" and classic33 like this.
  14. classic33

    classic33 Legendary Member

    Give in and you'll end up going no-where.

    Go against the wind.
     
  15. tyred

    tyred Legendary Member

    Location:
    Ireland
    My dearest uncle Drago,

    I really enjoyed the Christmas festivities this year and woke up in a great mood this morning but when I tried to button my trousers the button shot off and cracked the bedroom window. I feel that the quality of stitching in clothes these days isn't what it used to be, What would you recommend to prevent such accidents happening in future?
     
    Pat "5mph" and classic33 like this.
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