Discussion in 'CycleChat Cafe' started by Drago, 10 Nov 2018.
I would also like to know this! My current theory is that my TV defaults to the commercial channel.
Dear Slow but Daft,
Try switching to something other than the Shopping Channel,
Dear Uncle Drago,
I got so angry about all these phone calls what I got all day long from people trying to sell me all kinds of hunting carp that I took a stanley knife out of my drawer and hacked off the cord from my handset to the socket. Now no-one can ring me at all. Seen as how the only calls I ever got were from twits in Calcutta or Milton Keynes wanting me to claim back Payment Protection Insurance or spend two hours answering a twit survey, they can all get lost.
Now all I have to do is work out how to use this mobile phone I got for Christmas in 2000, and I'm sorted.
Dear Uncle Drago
With all the carbon frames I see recently, I can't help wonder that, in a few million years, mankind will be mining for bikes
Do you think such a thing is possible?
Dear Uncle Drago,
I live in the countryside (I hope to move into a house soon) and I feel I must put pen to paper (not that I have a pen, or any paper, but you must humour my whim I fear).
Now I am lost for words. It's all the brackets. That's what stymied me with the algh, the aljibrae, the algiebrar, the maths at school. I got bewildered by brackets. I always reckoned when I wrote my arto, orto, aughto, life story, I would call it "Bewildered By Brackets". That is, until I found out that Barry Lyndon, the 18th century rake and woodworker, had already used that title in a pamphlet explaining why he was giving up the woodwork for a life of European rakery. Well, his pamphlet was actually called "Bewildered by Bracketf" since they used to swap the letter f and the letter s around in those days, but it amounts to the same thing. It didn't do him any harm, because he got a 15-hour film made about him by Stanley Rubrick, the movie-maker and puzzle cube inventor.
Of course, I am aware that Lyndon's weren't the same kind of brackets as mine anyway. But I do think that the fact that Stanley Rubrick invented a cube puzzle is germane, though the story was originally written by Anthony Tolstoy, the novelist and inventor of the satellite which was named "Telstar" after him in a clever play on word-music. Then there was popular beat group The Shadows, who sang an instrumental hymn of praise to the majestic Telstar and combined it with an homage to the noble Apache, in a telling commentary on the march of progress.
Where was I? Ah, yes, being a country dweller I am appalled at the fact that, were I intending to attempt to speak to a young relative about the "birds and the bees", then I should be at a loss.
You can't get the birds, or the bees, these days. They have all been eradicated, be it by the farmer's pesti, inspesti, inspecto, insecta, stuff they spray on crops to kill insects.
You know, soon we will have a nation populated by eggo, eggsent, igorsent, selfish fools. We will be overrun by human parodies of themselves.
The countryside is no longer fit for kings as it indeed was in the day of yore, when Ethelred the Unsteady held sway, and Hereford the Wake carried people's bulls across the River Severn in defiance of King Norman's Magnum Carto which outlawed the transportation of livestock by means of cart without a permit in French (King Norman was something of a wordsmith, or perhaps his barons were, when you look at the way they utilised the French "carte" and the English "cart" in tandem).
Dear Mr Prattler,
The Radio Times have dismissed Bernard Farquhar the IIIIIIIIXVWSAQth after an unfortunate incident outside the ladies changing rooms in New Look. Luckily, the BBC had received a police tip off and were flying a helicopter over at the time and we captured the entire incident on film.
Whilst we cannot possibly comment while the matter is still subject to legal proceedings we would like to say that we are shocked and appalled by what we saw, and would like to confirm that Mr Farquhar, AKA Auntie Drago, AKA Guilty As Hell Filthy Pervert, is unable to reply to any more of his readers deranged witterings.
From the next post onwards Dianne Abbott will be responding to your letters, emails, and bricks with a bit of paper wrapped around them.
The Director General, BBC.
Try listening to the original version of Telstar, it will all become much clearer
Dear Auntie Abbot,
Why are you named after a large self-propelled gun?
Puzzled of Plymouth.
The self propelled gun is named after me, because we both look alike. So alike that Jeremy Corbyn once make a pass at one.
Separate names with a comma.