True Facts About Ross Kemp

[Mad Doug Biker]

Here we go again

With a time machine, we can go over and over again!

 

[Drago]

Ross Kemp has lost the contract to be the face of the Blackpool Tourist Board's latest campaign.

It would seem that a poster with Kemp in a Kitchener pose with the quote, "Don't be a ponce. Come to Blackpool. It's f%@&#£g bloody brilliant" is not quite what they envisaged.

 

[Hover Fly]

So, I was ambling down a street in Grange over Sands, when I espied Ross Kemp coming towards me, I checked my container of orange juice that I always carry for just such occasions, but as I did so Kemp must have spotted me, for he turned and ran off in the opposite direction; I gave chase and was almost on him when he suddenly stopped in his tracks and turned to face me, going down on his knees with his arms in the air, he pleaded for mercy, “Splosh me all you want, just don’t let that feathered horror get me!” he cried. At once I spotted the cause of his distress, a small white pigeon was on the path behind him. I took mercy on him and with a quick wave of my hand the bird was gone, being a sporting type I allowed Ross a 10 second start, however he made a tactical mistake and tried to take sanctuary in the station, which of course was closed, I caught him as he rattled at the door handle and cackling with terrible joy, gave him the sloshing of his life.

And she isn’t taking her “special” tablets now.

 

[DRM]

Ross Kemp has signed a partnership deal with Chris Rea to make use of The Turdis & Time Transit, Chris Rea is pilot & historical event recorder, Ross Kemp is body guard/doorman, the pair of them intend to travel time righting wrongs, however Iron Maiden aren't too pleased as they had to rewrite The Trooper, as Ross Kemp went on to the battlefield at Balaclava, shouting to the Russians "You're going home in a f*#k@%g ambulance" then doing a hard stare at their cannons, this warped the barrels, which misfired, killing most of them, The Light Brigade charged and finished the rest of the Russians off, Chris Rea filmed the whole thing on his iPhone, which will become a documentary, and he will also write/play the theme tune, whilst Ross Kemp is presenter, this will be the new series in "Ross Kemp Goes To...."

 

[Drago]

Ross Kemp has signed on to play Mr Drummond in the British remake of Diff'rent Strokes.

 

[Ming the Merciless]

A poor anaconda took on Ross Kemp, unfortunately he made a balloon dog out of it. The anaconda hasn’t lived it down ever since.

 

[DRM]

The Ross Kemp/Chris Rea TV Production Company are planning even more TV Series, they have just announced that Ross Kemp will play the part of Mr Benn, in kempRea Productions remake of the beloved cartoon of the 1970's, the real life version will see Ross Kemp step into the Turdis in a pinstripe suit & bowler hat, and step out in a suitable attire for the upcoming adventure,somewhere in history, Chris Rea will film the whole thing on his iPhone & write/play/sing the theme tune.

 

[Drago]

Ross Kemp's feud with Benedict Cumberbatch goes back to an awards evening where Cumberbatch won the award for Best Screen Punch. This award had been coveted by Kemp, and he's detested the "hoity toity ponce" ever since.

 

[accountantpete]

Ross Kemp is lined up to be the next Oscars host- if Will Smith tries that sissy slap routine again he'll be leaving on a stretcher.

 

[Drago]

Ivan Drago refused to face Ross Kemp in the ring, adding that killing Apollo Creed was one thing but being battered by the East End Fists of Pub Closing Time Justice was not his idea of fun.

Upon hearing the news Kemp declared Drago to be a "big girls blouse who should have stuck to ballet."

 

[Drago]

Ross Kemp's middle name is 'You Want Some?'