True Facts About Ross Kemp

[Drago]

During the war it was Ross Kemp that cracked the Enigma. It had been his job to break the code and after minutes of effort he punched the device in frustration, causing it to crack.

Ironically this gave a view of the internal workings and Kemp's mortal enemy, Benedict Cumberbatch, was able to use this knowledge decipher the code.

 

[Ming the Merciless]

The Kemp test is a measure of a machine’s ability to drink several pints and remain standing and talk bollocks. No AI has passed the Kemp test.

 

[Ming the Merciless]

There are several punch ball machines in orbit, after Ross Kemp visited a few fairs before being banned.

 

[DRM]

Ross Kemp is now barred from using The Queen Vic's pool table, as when he struck the cue ball it shattered into just powder and thousands of small shards, at first it was thought to be a joke shop cue ball, but it was a genuine one, so in the interest of pub-goer safety he has packed in playing pool

 

[Drago]

Ross Kemp has been nominated for a Nobel prize for bringing peace to the East End.

 

[Mad Doug Biker]

'Down the Grand Prix, Ross Kemp got so frustrated that his favourite driver was not winning that he headbutted the car.

The Car was rushed to hospital, where it made a full recovery.

 

[Drago]

Contrary to rumour, Christian Horner has not been sacked by Red Bull.

Ross Kemp is only driver in the World with the skills to match Max Verstappen and Red Bull were quick to sign the East End muscleman.

However, things came to a head at the first race when Kemp refused to remove his leather jacket in favour of race overalls.

This prompted an argument between Kemp, Max Mosley of the FIA, and Christian Horner. Kemp ended up losing his rag when Horner called him a "ponce" and the team principle was nutted and fell into a coma. In order to hide their embarrassment at losing their new talen the RB team circulated a story about Horner being sacked.

Meanwhile, Kemp leaked pictures to the Daily Mail of Mosley tied up naked, hog tied with an apple in his mouth like a tory MP while Barbara Windsor whipped him with a USB cable.

 

[accountantpete]

Ross Kemp was the Psychic Medium who got in touch with Max Mosely "from beyond the grave" to elicit his displeasure with Christian Horner.

Next week he will be communing with Queen Elizabeth II to get the real dirt on Prince Andrew.

 

[Drago]

Ross Kemp dislikes Prince Andrew for being too "hoity toity", although he's a big fan of his liver salts.

 

[Ming the Merciless]

Ross Kemp met Ponce Andrew once. Ross sweated over Andrew’s silverware and instantly dissolved it. He muttered never did like the Ponce as he headed off to the Queen Vic.

 

[Mad Doug Biker]

liver salts.

When Ross Kemp appeared in London's Burning, he declined an offer of developing his character, as he thought the fire service was far too poncey for him.

 

[Drago]

Ross Kemp was fired from London's Burning after season 1.

It seems the leather clad hard man thought the special effects were "too poncey" and had been starting real fires. John Wayne quite his role as Liz the cross dressing tea lady and the production was in danger of losing Burt Reynolds as well, so the producers fired Kemp.

 

[Mad Doug Biker]

Ross Kemp was fired from London's Burning after season 1.

It seems the leather clad hard man thought the special effects were "too poncey" and had been starting real fires. John Wayne quite his role as Liz the cross dressing tea lady and the production was in danger of losing Burt Reynolds as well, so the producers fired Kemp.

Quite!

 

[accountantpete]

Ross Kemp was the star of London's Gurning with his "Blue Steel" gurn.

 

[Ming the Merciless]

Ross Kemp has balls of steel, no he really does!