OP
OP
Drago
Legendary Member
- Location
- Suburban Poshshire
Ross Kemp doesn't play football. He prefers hardball.
True Facts About Ross Kemp
- Thread starter Drago
- Start date
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accountantpete
OAP
Ross Kemp does the Haka before taking on his kids at football in the back garden.
OP
OP
Drago
Legendary Member
- Location
- Suburban Poshshire
When Playboy printed a full frontal picture of Ross Kemp they had to used 1361 staples in each copy to hide the naughty bit.
DRM
Guru
- Location
- West Yorks
Ross Kemp was once told to deal with "The elephant in the room" so he went to London Zoo & punched an elephant, which was later treated for shock & concussion
OP
OP
Drago
Legendary Member
- Location
- Suburban Poshshire
During the war it was Ross Kemp that cracked the Enigma. It had been his job to break the code and after minutes of effort he punched the device in frustration, causing it to crack.
Ironically this gave a view of the internal workings and Kemp's mortal enemy, Benedict Cumberbatch, was able to use this knowledge decipher the code.
Ironically this gave a view of the internal workings and Kemp's mortal enemy, Benedict Cumberbatch, was able to use this knowledge decipher the code.
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- Location
- Inside my skull
The Kemp test is a measure of a machine’s ability to drink several pints and remain standing and talk bollocks. No AI has passed the Kemp test.
- Location
- Inside my skull
There are several punch ball machines in orbit, after Ross Kemp visited a few fairs before being banned.
DRM
Guru
- Location
- West Yorks
Ross Kemp is now barred from using The Queen Vic's pool table, as when he struck the cue ball it shattered into just powder and thousands of small shards, at first it was thought to be a joke shop cue ball, but it was a genuine one, so in the interest of pub-goer safety he has packed in playing pool
OP
OP
Drago
Legendary Member
- Location
- Suburban Poshshire
Ross Kemp has been nominated for a Nobel prize for bringing peace to the East End.
Mad Doug Biker
Banned from every bar in the Galaxy
- Location
- Craggy Island
'Down the Grand Prix, Ross Kemp got so frustrated that his favourite driver was not winning that he headbutted the car.
The Car was rushed to hospital, where it made a full recovery.
The Car was rushed to hospital, where it made a full recovery.
OP
OP
Drago
Legendary Member
- Location
- Suburban Poshshire
Contrary to rumour, Christian Horner has not been sacked by Red Bull.
Ross Kemp is only driver in the World with the skills to match Max Verstappen and Red Bull were quick to sign the East End muscleman.
However, things came to a head at the first race when Kemp refused to remove his leather jacket in favour of race overalls.
This prompted an argument between Kemp, Max Mosley of the FIA, and Christian Horner. Kemp ended up losing his rag when Horner called him a "ponce" and the team principle was nutted and fell into a coma. In order to hide their embarrassment at losing their new talen the RB team circulated a story about Horner being sacked.
Meanwhile, Kemp leaked pictures to the Daily Mail of Mosley tied up naked, hog tied with an apple in his mouth like a tory MP while Barbara Windsor whipped him with a USB cable.
Ross Kemp is only driver in the World with the skills to match Max Verstappen and Red Bull were quick to sign the East End muscleman.
However, things came to a head at the first race when Kemp refused to remove his leather jacket in favour of race overalls.
This prompted an argument between Kemp, Max Mosley of the FIA, and Christian Horner. Kemp ended up losing his rag when Horner called him a "ponce" and the team principle was nutted and fell into a coma. In order to hide their embarrassment at losing their new talen the RB team circulated a story about Horner being sacked.
Meanwhile, Kemp leaked pictures to the Daily Mail of Mosley tied up naked, hog tied with an apple in his mouth like a tory MP while Barbara Windsor whipped him with a USB cable.
accountantpete
OAP
Ross Kemp was the Psychic Medium who got in touch with Max Mosely "from beyond the grave" to elicit his displeasure with Christian Horner.
Next week he will be communing with Queen Elizabeth II to get the real dirt on Prince Andrew.
Next week he will be communing with Queen Elizabeth II to get the real dirt on Prince Andrew.
OP
OP
Drago
Legendary Member
- Location
- Suburban Poshshire
Ross Kemp dislikes Prince Andrew for being too "hoity toity", although he's a big fan of his liver salts.
- Location
- Inside my skull
Ross Kemp met Ponce Andrew once. Ross sweated over Andrew’s silverware and instantly dissolved it. He muttered never did like the Ponce as he headed off to the Queen Vic.
Mad Doug Biker
Banned from every bar in the Galaxy
- Location
- Craggy Island
When Ross Kemp appeared in London's Burning, he declined an offer of developing his character, as he thought the fire service was far too poncey for him.
